to not understand why I can't fucking drive?!

[Floatingfancy]

I've had 20 lessons and I cannot get the hang of it. What is wrong with me?! I am thirty years old. I have two degrees. There are teenagers out there happily passing without a second thought.

I still have not got the hang of gears. I stall constantly. I can't do all my checks while trying to sort the cocking gears. I live in SE London so it's very intimidating with a lot of fast and aggressive drivers.

I'm considering switching to automatic lessons but will that even be better?!?!

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to do this.

I felt the same way. Failed seven times. Had never failed an exam but the nerves just got me. I should have learned on an automatic from the start.

Failed 4 times passed on 5th. Thousands of pounds on lessons.... the more tests you do the more nervous you get and thus more likely to fail! Viscous circle. I consider myself a good driver by the way (20 years on!)

I genuinely don't think the hire car will be an issue. We have never hired a car on holiday in Europe.

Oh, you're an academic? That explains it. We're shit at learning to drive. Most of my male colleagues can't drive, and I passed on the fifth attempt. Doing my PhD was a piece of piss compared to learning to drive.

Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear . . .

Right, 20 lessons is not much really.

Go for an automatic, so much more easier to drive. After 24 years of driving a manual I now drive an auto and I won’t ever look back. So much easier and relaxing to drive.

I passed 7th time, and am a fab driver. I wouldn’t worry too much so early on.

Change to an auto, its so much easier. Some people aren’t good at multitasking. Maybe that’s your issue?

I averaged three lessons a month for ten months. I’d say 40 lessons including test practises. I didn’t drive with anyone else in that time. I passed first go. I kept wanting to switch to automatic regularly because I thought I was rubbish. But my dh reminded me that EVERYBODY stalls sometimes. Even after decades of driving.

I’ve been driving independently over a year now and now longer worry about gears at all, and drive a manual happily.

I was the same. I passed the other day. Mid 30s, years of lessons, 3 different instructors, 2 different test centres.

For me, it was finding the right instructor. I didn't realise the first 2 were just not compatible with me. The third one recognised:

I'm a perfectionist
I'm an overthinker
I'm a nervous driver

And tailored the lessons to get me confident with it. 20 hours with him was better than the previous 50 hours combined. It was the key to everything.

Now I'm on the other side, I would ask the instructor exactly how many 30+ year olds they have taught, how they'd suggest helping an overthinker etc. I'd listen to their answers like a job interview because 30 year olds and teenagers can't be taught in the same way.

17 year olds are learning new skills daily, don't have to worry about the same shit we do daily... do I have enough milk at home, will the commute be a nightmare tomorrow, are the kids OK at school, did I leave the oven on, whatever. They also don't have the same sense of mortality quite frankly. Often they aren't paying either! Another stress.

An instructor needs to approach teaching you differently and I sooo get that now thanks to mine.

If you live in Kent, PM me for my instructor!!

Best of luck. Still with a manual too, I'd say.

Hadn't rtft and noticed a PP saying you're an academic. My instructor also said that people who have to analyse as part of their roles, are the hardest to teach. I'm an analyst and it made so much sense to me. I think you are in the same category.

People keep bringing up hire cars as a reason not to switch to automatic. That's a red herring, of course you can hire autos, if you couldn't no American would ever be able to hire a car.

There will be less available and they are a little more expensive but can definitely hire autos if you plan ahead!

I was exactly the same! Eventually passed after years of stopping and starting and now it's like the easiest thing ever. I think the problem was I over thought and then put too much pressure on myself for not being able to do it. You will get the hang of it it just takes time.

I think the problem as well is that once you have got the hang of it it's easy. So when you are in the car with others driving you think "well this doesn't look hard"

SE London is a hard place to drive. I live, and drive here. I learned in E London, which is even worse.
My driving instructor used to say, in a Zen voice, of stupid, impatient, dangerous drivers: 'no blue light. So, not an ambulance. Ignore.'
I'm talking being overtaken (in the oncoming traffic lane) at lights which were red, being nudged on the back bumper when not immediately pulling out at a junction, stuff like that.

Other drivers are mainly fine, but there are enough cunts around to make it scary. Zone them out. They'll buzz off and crash soon enough.
You can do this, OP.

Please don't be discouraged. I failed my test the first time but passed the second time (by the skin of my teeth).

I would ask the instructor to keep you in the industrial estate for another while, until you're fully capable of the driving element.

You've too much going on in your head to be in traffic yet.

It's like a surgeon in training, having only watched an operation once, then being let loose with a scalpel on a critical patient for an extremely complicated procedure. They haven't even learned how to cut such and such yet.

The physical driving needs to be second nature to you before you go on the main roads. Just keep practising the same things over and over and over again. Keep it really simple. Just taking off, increasing speed, shifting up gears and stop. Repeat, repeat, repeat. When you get good at that, try more complicated things.

I’m also an academic in the humanities, in my mid 40s, had a few disastrous lessons a few years back, which I felt sick before. and now really need to get on and do it.

Is it possible to take regular driving lessons (when you’re nervous and really don’t want to, but know you have to) without feeling sick with nerves before every lesson?

I've got a manual licence but my first car was an automatic, it was too good a deal to pass up (ex mobility car very well looked after, low mileage blah blah), I've actively chosen an automatic for every car since. I used to live in London and an auto is great for city driving and I've recently been in a role with lots of national driving, unknown cities, motorway etc and it was all so easy with an auto, don't think I'll ever go back to manual, when I drive DHs I get irritated by having to change gear around town all the time. It's definitely worth a go in an auto, you can focus on driving of you don't have to think about gears which seems to be the challenge for you.

Oh and I've had hire cars and company cars for work and on lots of holidays and requesting an auto has never been a problem

Is it possible to take regular driving lessons (when you’re nervous and really don’t want to, but know you have to) without feeling sick with nerves before every lesson?

Try reassuring yourself that you're safe because the instructor is there to take over at any point. Think of it like a game. You do your best, but if something goes wrong, the instructor will take over. Nothing can happen to you.

It takes longer than 20 lessons to learn how to drive. It's complicated. Give yourself another 15 and you'll see a big difference. It took me 8 months to pass with a lesson most weeks. I'm a good driver. Very safe. I've been driving about 20 years now and never had any points.

I dont think 20 lessons is that many OP?

I did start learning to drive when I was 17 but it took me a year of once a week lessons so I had at least 50, and it took me 2 go's to pass

I'd stick with it a bit longer if I were you.

I do think that the older you get the harder it is, as well as taking longer to learn new skills in general I also think that at the age of 30 youre much more aware and conscious of the dangers of being on the road compared to a 17 year old which may also slow you down a bit?

@MollyYouInDangerGirl

I think you're right about age being a factor. My sister learned to drive very young and passed her test first time at 18. Every single one of my cousins passed first time when they were young. I was 28, just coming out of PND and was as nervous as hell. I think if you're older, you're certainly more risk averse.

The other thing I used to find comforting was saying to my self, 'look if so and so can drive, surely I can too'. Everyone can learn. But practise the basics over and over and over and over again. Only move onto a new challenge when you're completely au fait with whatever you're learning. Don't let the instructor push you too hard or fast into progressing onto new things.

OP I took a year of lessons (2-3 a week!) and passed at 38 years old. I have a gazillion degrees 🤣 sadly they mean bugger all when you're learning to drive! 2 years on and I love driving, best thing I ever did although definitely one of the hardest. I now drive an automatic... much easier, so maybe give that a go. Good luck!! 🚗

@molly @flying my instructor said, as a rule of thumb, older learners are much more risk averse than young uns who think they're bomb proof!

It's very hard to learn tricky things once you're older, op. No offense!
Automatics are really easy.

Took me years and 4 failed tests to pass in my early 20s. I was a nervous driver and struggled with co--ordination, particularly gears. I think once I'd mastered the physical driving part I could the concentrate on the actually driving, planning routes and being aware of surroundings. When you are still finding your feet with the hands on stuff it's too much multitasking!

I was always aware if I made a mistake it could have serious consequences and that made me nervous

I think I drove my instructors mental. I had three different ones. First one was only a few lessons to actually learn how to drive. Second one was to get me to pass the test. Third one was to get me to pass the test as I'd failed first test.

What I did, and needed, was to know WHY? I'm sure they thought I was a pain in the hole.

E.g. Instructor: now clutch and into third. Me: WHY? Lol
Once I understood the WHY of what I needed to do, it was easier if you get me?
I'm also not technically minded, but the theory of what was happening in the car, helped me to understand what I needed to do and then be able to do it.