PILs

[NCwhatevs]

NC for this

DH’s brother had an affair & left DSIL for his mistress a while back, they are now divorcing. BIL is now shacked up with his mistress. We do not have good relationship with him and he is openly hostile via messages to DH who has kindly tried to keep in touch generally without being positive about his choices, as frankly they have been poor. We are not at this point at all interested in meeting with him and especially not with the OW and therefore certainly didn’t envision DD to do so either.

We have not discussed with our DD why we don’t see her uncle these days because she is young enough (7) to not talk about it specifically.

Today however, after having DD overnight during Easter break (at their request) on the way home, PIL (who have welcomed the mistress already) chose to take DD to BIL’s mistress’s home where she saw BIL for the first time in a long time and met the mistress properly for the very first time.

This was done without us being consulted or present and without context for her as she didn’t know about her uncle and a new partner.

We found out as soon as dd was home as DD spilled all the beans about meeting the OW.

She knows her auntie and uncle are living apart but not any reason why.

We had a massive argument with PILs tonight as we felt they overstepped massively by taking her there and acted completely inappropriately without consulting us as we would definitely have not done that ourselves and are incredibly shocked they chose to do this. It was not their call to make.

They were incredibly hurt by us calling them out on this & we have had a massive argument with them this evening. They have been told from both of us- this is unacceptable - DH has said that he will explain the situation with BIL and the mistress to DD tomorrow in a context she can understand but they have forced us into having to have this conversation with her and we are both so angry.

MiL was unfortunately mean about DSIL tonight who has done nothing and was in no way the cause of the split, and then tried to deflect all their actions today on supporting their other son and instead of taking any culpability in making the introduction to the mistress, told me what a terrible DIL I’ve been to her and how she’s “always wanted a closer relationship” and how hurt she is I never invite her to do things.

Anyway this is a tangent. She was deflecting and trying to place blame elsewhere from herself. I think they knew they messed up.

AIBU - surely not? I don’t feel like I’m overreacting. They should not have taken it into their own hands and held a meeting with her uncle and an introduction to their uncle’s mistress without our knowledge. The other stuff I can ignore from MIL as it was a baseless attack.

She’s sent me a conciliatory text earlier. I haven’t responded as of yet.

@ohfourfoxache has it - she is lashing out because she doesn’t want to be wrong. She is putting you on the back foot by being so nasty - It’s what children do!

I’d just say you are sad she feels that way about you (do not say sorry so she can have it in her head and tells others you have apologised) and that you need some space to process that the friendship you thought you had is a sham, I would struggle to trust her again. Hope your DH has your back.

I'm less interested in the BIL issue and more in how your MIL treats you!

She sounds like an entitled bitch! How on earth do you put up with her?

I would stop inviting her on holidays (and definitely stop paying for he), stop taking her to her sports events, stop inviting her over for every major holiday and generally stop facilitating the relationship, and leave DH to it!

The fact that she scapegoats you and doesn't say a word about your DH or your BIL would be enough for me not to give a shit about her.

Does your DH financially support his parents?

@LongTermHold

Fix it.

For your DH. For your DD. For being the bigger person.

Fix what? I HATE this sexist bullshit that tells a woman to put up and shut up for the sake of her and her husband. Are you a submitted wife or something?

*for the sake of her DC and her husband

The holidays away won’t ever happen again. And the event / gathering invites too.

DH doesn’t support them financially, no. They are retired comfortably. We have been generous with sharing our holidays as they enjoy time with dd.

I am looking to reduce the frequency of them picking up dd - DH is at work till later I don’t want to be here alone with them and have to play nicely.

I just feel like I can’t win.

Even if I let it all go and make a huge effort to address all her complaints, and ”fix it” she’ll still complain I’m only doing things as she mentioned them and feel justified AND be able to accurately say I’m being fake. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, I don’t know how else to put that.

DH has been clear he is fine for me not to engage them but he doesn’t want to be petty. How that works in practice idk as he isn’t here as much as I am & if nothing changes I will have to avoid my own home. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that you can't win here OP. Whatever you do MIL will find fault. I would quietly go very LC and DH can make an effort with them and take DD if he wants to. You are not awful. MIL has hit out at you because she knows you are right and she is embarrassed by her behaviour. She sounds just as entitled as BIL.

You're right, I can't win.

Thankfully DH has backed me 100% and has spoken to them to tell them I need space given what was said and that means their regular contact ceases.

We've said it's not about the contact with BIL and OW as we understand that was an ill thought out scenario and not one that they apparently pre-planned. They were just really, really thoughtless in doing it.

DH has however been very clear that I am (we both are are) deeply hurt by the petty laundry list of unfair stuff thrown at me and therefore normal contact will cease.

They are upset and quite sad and remorseful. DH has said, you can't expect to put the genie back in the bottle once you've said what you have.

I feel pity for them, as I think they realise how monumentally they've f'd up, rather than anger now, but not enough to pretend everything is normal and fine and as it should be.

If it were me I'd reply back to their points.
We feel like staff at your house, please let dh know if you'd still like to collect dd from school but as you feel uncomfortable with me, take her back to your house and dh will collect her.
If you want photos please ask dh.
I regularly speak to my mum to update her, please let dh know that you'd like to do the same with him.
Etc, completely accept all her issues and turn them around to suit you.
And yes she was BU taking your dd to see someone you were specifically or in contact with, regardless of your reasoning.

They live an hour’s drive away so taking DD to theirs wouldn’t be feasible on a school night. When we have gone out, we are back by 9/9:30 or so latest as we are always thoughtful about the drive they have ahead. Sometimes they have chosen to stay over, in which case they have also been catered for the next day.

They sound horrendous and have massive issues. YANBU. I have a 7 year old and would be furious in this situation.

Then I'd say they could take her out for tea then drop her back off, or you decide they're not capable of having her unsupervised as they can't follow your family decisions.

Yep, basically DH has said to them when we do resume contact it’ll be on a day where he’s personally at home and I will be out, and he will directly handle the interaction with them. I will be out pursuing my hobby until they leave........ he’s wonderful.

There are obviously vast differences in personality between you and your MIL. It may be that you are introverted but your posts sound very considered and careful. This is not necessarily a fault but it comes across as lacking spontaneity. You talk about 'hosting' and 'catering' which is very formal. Your MIL may be horribly manipulative or she may genuinely be struggling because she feels you don't like her and only interact out of a sense of duty. Your DH probably does not contact his parents as frequently as you do your parents. Does your DH have a similar personality to you? You have done a lot for them but you haven't said you enjoyed doing it.

I don't know how you can move on from all that has been said. It has been very personal and hurtful. I'm not blaming you, just trying to explain why MIL might feel unwelcomed. She also feels inferior to you intellectually and is blaming you for that rather then own it is down to her insecurity.

There are members of my extended family that I don't particularly click with, I do my best and probably am guilty of hiding in the kitchen to avoid awkward conversations.
But we don't complain about each other, especially when there's a grandchild who they want to see. She just chucked her toys out of the pram big style and unless you have a burning need to reestablish contact, I'd go very quiet on the hosting front.