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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children Sitting on laps

54 replies

Dogsrule13 · 19/04/2019 22:17

Have NC

At what age do you think is deemed not appropriate for children to sit on laps? Be it same or different gender?

I just had my sister ask me this as niece sitting on uncles lap and I was horrified that she could be implying anything weird. There is absolutely no concerns regarding brothers actions (he works with children and has all checks etc) plus just a super great guy!

My niece is very comfortable with him (she is under 10) I kept my cool and said didn’t think anything to worry about but when do you think this should stop? If ever?

OP posts:
Hermagsjesty · 19/04/2019 22:18

Personally, I just think it stops naturally when the child is too shy/ uncomfortable to do it.

Nogodsnomasters · 19/04/2019 22:20

I don't think there is a given age, it depends on the child's maturity level and their comfortableness with the adult. I used to climb onto my mums lap when I was about 12 or 13 tbh but I was a mummy's girl. I don't really have any uncles (that I saw frequently enough) and didn't have a grandad so in terms of opposite gender I have no comparison.

FindYourCentre · 19/04/2019 22:20

WTAF?!! Your sister said this about her own brother?! Is there something she knows that shes not telling you?

Halo1234 · 19/04/2019 22:33

Yeah it stops when the child stops doing it. Strange your sister thought it was weird. Children need human physical contact. Great she has a loving uncle.

Ribbonsonabox · 19/04/2019 22:38

What?!?! Theres no age limit... it's just when the child is no longer happy with it.
I certainly would never say to a child of 10 who was sitting on her relatives lap to stop it because she was too old now.... I think that would lead to psychological problems tbh!! It would never even occur to me to think it was my right to tell a NT child that they were too old to sit on someones lap if they wanted to!!

Ohyesiam · 19/04/2019 22:41

She said this about her brother? Talk to her seriously about this, because she made get know something you don’t. Or is she a shit stirrer? Because either way that is quite something to say about her own brother.

delilahbucket · 19/04/2019 22:42

Definitely no age limit. My 11 year old ds will still sit on my knee or dp's but he's getting a bit heavy to do it now!

HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 22:45

Like PP it stops when the child is no longer comfortable or when they get too heavy whichever comes first!

Topseyt · 19/04/2019 22:47

There is no age limit, surely. She is being silly.

It just fizzles out naturally as the child grows.

iolaus · 19/04/2019 22:51

I think if the adult is the one suggesting it when they get older it does have a slightly different ring to it than if it's initiated by the child

That said my 8 year old still comes and sits on my lap, can't remember when the older ones stopped but I'll be sad when it stops completely

Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 19/04/2019 22:57

Thankyou as I got very mad! But I also don’t have children so didn’t want to be unreasonable.

I can assure absolutely no concerns regards my brother he tutors children and lives and cares for my mum. He is an all round fabulous man.

My DSis has recently split with controlling man who my Brother called out for his abusive actions so I think my DSis has had him in her head so long he made her question.

It just made me think when is not appropriate? unfortunately we cannot have children but my husband is climbed on and sat on regularly by nieces, nephews, friends kids etc never thought twice about it!

OP posts:
JemSynergy · 19/04/2019 22:57

When they get too heavy? Sometimes my 11 year old son comes over has a chat and sits on my lap I have to ask him to get up sometimes because he's making my legs numb! Grin

Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 19/04/2019 22:58

She was in the room with several people and was child’s choice just for clarity

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 19/04/2019 23:08

It sounds as though her controlling ex might be giving her grief about your DB's relationship with the children (probably to get back at him).
As PPs have said, there's no age limit. My DC is 10 an still sits on my knee. I remember sitting on my adult brother's knee up until I was about 9.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2019 23:09

My dd is 10. She sits on my lap every day. Wouldn’t have an issue with her sitting on a male relatives lap. I occasionally sat on my dad’s lap until shortly before he died. I was in my teens.

whatsnewchoochoo · 19/04/2019 23:14

I sat on my dads lap until he died when I was 17.

I'd still sit on my mums lap if she wasn't pretty much half my height and weight Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2019 23:23

So your sister is uncomfortable about her child sitting on your brother's lap? Are you absolutely sure she has nothing to be worried about? Being a "nice guy" doesn't preclude him from anything, unfortunately.

But beyond that, i think as long as the child is happy and the adult is happy, there isn't an age. An uncle isn'y going to start thinking of his niece sexually at any age unless there's already something wrong with him. It's not like its normal for a family member to get to 16 and you think pwahhh yeah

Weathermonger · 19/04/2019 23:30

My 17 yo 6' 3" son still sits on my lap - more to annoy the hell out of me than any other reason, but still.

Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 19/04/2019 23:32

They live two hours away my brother sees her at most 5 times a year has always been good with her in front of people never even babysat alone and these ‘concerns’ did not exist until my sister left her DH who has been emotionally abusive for last few years.

So I am sure it’s his influence, just shocked this seems to be becoming the mindset these days ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 19/04/2019 23:34

Although your responses make me feel not the mindset of the many which is good!

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 19/04/2019 23:39

Interesting topic to start with op. As I'm sure you know , sex is defined by biology, gender is a social construct so I'd say if the child feels comfortable with it then ok, but if they don't, then they'll let you know

EKGEMS · 19/04/2019 23:43

I saw my 13-year old niece doing it on her Father's lap recently and I spoke to my DH that this would raise alarms if it continues-I know it's innocent and my BIL would never abuse his child but in this day and age why risk it?

Raggerty54 · 19/04/2019 23:47

EKGEMS

Seriously??

Guyliner · 19/04/2019 23:54

Actually op while your brother may be 'fabulous' and work with children you have no way of knowing if he is a pedophile. That's how they get away with it. They don't wear tshirts. People think they are nice so they leave children with them. They often DO work woth children.

As for when is too old, when the child wants to stop. And I think any contact should come from the child not the other way around. I don't think it would be appropriate for an uncle to ask his 12 year old neice to come sit on his lap.

Guyliner · 19/04/2019 23:57

One thing I have noticed is that men who have grandaughters and nieces come sit kn their laps beyond the normal age never do it with boys. Why not? If it's already weird at that age why isn't it for girls?

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