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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children Sitting on laps

54 replies

Dogsrule13 · 19/04/2019 22:17

Have NC

At what age do you think is deemed not appropriate for children to sit on laps? Be it same or different gender?

I just had my sister ask me this as niece sitting on uncles lap and I was horrified that she could be implying anything weird. There is absolutely no concerns regarding brothers actions (he works with children and has all checks etc) plus just a super great guy!

My niece is very comfortable with him (she is under 10) I kept my cool and said didn’t think anything to worry about but when do you think this should stop? If ever?

OP posts:
wellhelloyou · 19/04/2019 23:58

She’s being ridiculous

NunoGoncalves · 20/04/2019 00:04

One thing I have noticed is that men who have grandaughters and nieces come sit on their laps beyond the normal age never do it with boys. Why not? If it's already weird at that age why isn't it for girls?

Men often think that boys deserve/want/should be given less affection than girls. Machismo, basically.

Bahhhhhumbug · 20/04/2019 00:20

I don't understand. Surely your brother is your sisters brother? Also if your dh is the one being 'climbed' on and is her brother then she is your dsil surely?

Orangeballon · 20/04/2019 00:56

As a child I never sat on any uncles knee and would not encourage it if I had a daughter. Some men have told me they feel uncomfortable with the attentions of a female child and really don’t want it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/04/2019 01:29

I remember plonking myself down on my Dad's lap when I was in my teens because I loved him and he was my Dad...and he said "I think you're a bit old for that now" and shoved me off. I was very upset and it still pops into my head occasionally even though I am nearly 50 and my Dad is 80. I'd be devastated if anybody tried to "read" anything into that or his reaction. He was and is a loving, amazing, supportive Dad without an abusive bone in his body.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/04/2019 01:32

DS sometimes will perch on my knee, particularly if there are no other chairs free. He's a strapping 6' 18 year old with a rugby players build and is way too heavy for it!

Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 20/04/2019 07:30

@Bahhhhhumbug talking of two different people.

Gave example that when me and DH babysit the kids climb on my DH all the time.

We are not with my Sister this weekend they are visiting my mum.

OP posts:
PiggoSuperstar · 20/04/2019 07:36

I was at a friend’s party the other week and my DS1 sat on my lap for a while while we were chatting to someone. He’s 13 and gigantic but it was cute and I was happy!

Ghanagirl · 20/04/2019 07:41

@EKGEMS
Seriously?

Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 20/04/2019 07:48

Thank you everyone- having slept on it and looking back at the messages, I think was more that my Niece is getting older to be sitting on anyone’s lap rather than specifically my brother being a concern, which I don’t think would have crossed my sisters mind but it would her Ex and maybe it is something to be mindful of but I don’t think in the circumstances she was asking was anything inappropriate.

It was the child’s choice, I will feed back constructive advice today that as long as child’s choice don’t see a problem.

Last night I just saw red as thought my Sister was making out specifically my DBro was dodgy!

OP posts:
Nairobe · 20/04/2019 07:50

Don't you think you should be calmer and more open minded and ask her? She genuinely may have concerns about someone's behaviours, not necessarily your brother's. It could be she's very anxious, abused and paranoid after being abused or it could be something more.

While i appreciate you love your brother you could be letting down dsis and dn by not probing deeper. And while your brother probably isnt a paedophile, your sister could have concerns unaddressed from her own childhood that again shouldn't be dismissed (from any man associated with your family). If it turns out she's saying it for no reason, or to strike debate alone, then dismiss it but not before.

Nairobe · 20/04/2019 07:51

Xposted. Good plan OP. Perhaps ask why she asked first?

WeeDangerousSpike · 20/04/2019 07:55

Bloody hell. I'm 35 and have been known to sit on my dad's knee on occasion!

My DGM was banned from sitting on her adored father's knee from the moment she got her first period (which she didn't know was coming, thought she was dying in the middle of the night, and was thrown out of her parents bedroom with no explanation when she ran in panicking about it.)

Trust me, my abusive GGM is not a parenting model that should be emulated...

MummyCool19 · 20/04/2019 08:07

My Dd is 11 and sits on her step dads knee. He also washes her hair for her 🤷🏻‍♀️ Have absolutely no worries at all. She’s a “daddies” girl. He’s been in her life longer than her real dad. Plus we have a Dd together and he treats them both the same.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/04/2019 08:10

@EKGEMS I assume then that your DH is never in se charge of your kids? That you're a light sleeper and wake up of he goes to the loo etc to check where he's going? I mean, why risk it??

Oakmaiden · 20/04/2019 08:13

My 15 year old daughter still climbs into her father (and my) laps when she feels like it. In fact she likes to curl up with me in bed for 10 minutes or so before bedtime, and chat about her day. My 14 year old son occasionally comes and sits on my lap for a hug too. Despite being completely enormous.

I can't imagine them sitting on anyone else's laps though, as they are not that close to our extended family and it just wouldn't come naturally to them. However, I guess if they saw family members regularly and had always had that sort of relationship then there would be nothing odd about them continuing to do it.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/04/2019 08:15

God my dd would sit on us if she could. But as she's 6 inches taller than me and Dhs belly gets in the way she makes do with a snuggle. She's 21 next week.

DistanceCall · 20/04/2019 08:18

I'm 42 and I still sometimes sit (somehow) in my uncle's lap.

Never been weird, never been sexual. Because he's a good, non-creepy man and I've never felt remotely uncomfortable about it.

Icequeen01 · 20/04/2019 08:26

This post makes me so sad. The people who are questioning the Op whether she is “sure” her brother is really OK makes my blood boil. Why is there always this assumption that there is a paedophile around every corner - you know what, there isn’t! The Op’s niece was obviously very comfortable sitting on her uncle’s knee. Don’t try and turn this into something it isn’t!

Sarahjconnor · 20/04/2019 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/04/2019 08:34

One thing I have noticed is that men who have grandaughters and nieces come sit kn their laps beyond the normal age never do it with boys but people do give boys and girls affection differently. People are more likely to play fight with boys than girls, it's socially acceptable for girls / women to be kissy and huggy far longer than men although it's changing slightly.

The people who are questioning the Op whether she is “sure” her brother is really OK makes my blood boil or, you know, recognising that someone who starts questioning what her children should or shouldn't do MIGHT be questioning what happened in her own childhood.

kateandme · 20/04/2019 08:40

30 year old still sits on dad lap when she comes home to annoy the hell out of him.
it stop when you want it too.or when you parents keep fidgeting due to your weight giving them dead-legs!
goodness me your poor niece if she brings her up likes this.

Cannyhandleit · 20/04/2019 08:44

@EKGEMS wow

Original poster
Dogsrule13 · 20/04/2019 09:33

Have had proper chat with sister - no secret concerns from own experience more she was thinking DNiece to old more from the media concerns and Ex thinking everyone is dodgy, rather than specifically this situation.

She is not concerned my DBro going to abuse her in anyway- which I agree with but she said it without me prompting. I didn’t go mad at her last night either for clarity, I just said didn’t see an issue and then was mad at home and came on here to ask!

I have given her advice of as they have always had that relationship so I wouldn’t see it as a concern. If it was a sudden change then yes red flags.

As long as child’s choice I wouldn’t be overly concerned but if she is feeling that way maybe just do it more as a teaching to sit next to rather than on someone as a growing up tool rather than it’s creepy!

OP posts:
Empra123 · 20/04/2019 09:59

My DS20 still sits on my lap sometimes. I can't move afterwards mind!