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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL forgets my child’s birthday

127 replies

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:21

My MIL is in another country an hour away. She rarely remembers her sons birthday but has generous re our children over the years. This year on my son’s 5th birthday she didn’t send a card, call or text let alone a present. I was so disappointed and find this strange as she even saw his party pics on Facebook two days before. She would never forget her other grandchild’s bday in a million years. My husband won’t ever say anything to her -even tho I do re my mumif ever need be- so I scan my text saying it was a shame we heard from no one in the family etc her daughter has now reacted saying my message is out of order and her mother has high blood pressure and now I am the bad guy and has caused major issues between us and them and me and husband. He is loyal to me but if he had had quiet word I wouldn’t always be the bad guy. Really stressed and wondering if I should have let it go. I just don’t know any grandparents who would do this. Was not deliberate as she has a lot on but to not even call knowing it was his bday as is same date as her son etc and she is on Facebook. Be kind as I feel pretty bad. Text was a long the lines of ‘shame he didn’t hear from anyone, we must be used to it by now, maybe you had a lot on, he had a good time anyway x’

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 18/04/2019 23:22

Does it matter? Don't sweat the small stuff.

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:25

When you say you scanned a message, do you mean you sent it to your mil in a text or was it a Facebook status?

Isitweekendyet · 18/04/2019 23:27

Of course it matters! Only on mumsnet is a grandparent forgetting their grandchild’s birthday not an issue. You did the right thing OP, for no one to have contacted him is disgusting - he’s old enough to realise grandma didn’t call.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:27

Yes I know is insignificant and she has high blood pressure so I don't want to stress her out. She had a few things happen recently so had other stuff on mind but has happened before and is running theme. That was a typo I mean I sent her a WhatsApp message not status.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:28

What did she reply?

saraclara · 18/04/2019 23:28

Well that was a shitty passive aggressive text to send. Was it just sent to your MIL, or was it open to others too?

Of course it's a shame that she doesn't remember it, but that text was a huge mistake which has put them all on the defensive. So they're never going to focus on the point you were hoping to make.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:30

Thank you, it is disgusting but now I am the bad guy for just not accepting this abnormal behaviour. I am surrounded by doting grandparents and we have struggled to ever even get one night's babysitting once a year despite visiting them always. I think I should just remove self now. She loves my children. But effort on one side gets on your nerves.

OP posts:

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 23:30

you were really rude!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/04/2019 23:31

You dont want to stress her out because she has things on her mind yet you send a text like that? Wtf would you have sent if you did want to stress her out.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:32

Yes it was a passive aggressive text. As I am fed up of making all the effort. She didn't reply and her daughter who I am very close to said not to message. Was not abusive and was not bad. I am just fed up of it all. So some history.

OP posts:

NCforthis2019 · 18/04/2019 23:32

You were very passive aggressive in your text. It’s shitty. Don’t be like that.

Just come out and ask if she forgot or ask if anything was wrong - maybe she was ill. Maybe she had a stressful day. Maybe something. The world will not end because she forgot your sons birthday once. Your making too much of a big deal over this.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 23:33

and we have struggled to ever even get one night's babysitting once a year

people don't owe you any babysitting, do you realise how entitled you sound? Your side of the family might be more of your liking but you don't get to decide how others react.

Half of MN is angry if they feel their in-laws are intrusive and trying to babysit, the other half is pissed off if the in-laws don't babysit enough! It's ridiculous.

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:33

You shouldn’t have sent that message. It was up to her son to send it.

MODGNIK · 18/04/2019 23:33

You were unacceptably rude.

saraclara · 18/04/2019 23:34

shame he didn’t hear from anyone, we must be used to it by now, maybe you had a lot on, he had a good time anyway x

And you're surprised that you're in their bad books?
(Loving the passive aggressive kiss on the ens, btw)

Sheesh.

TBDO · 18/04/2019 23:34

You sound like hard work, tbh. That was a very passive aggressive text - what did you expect to achieve by sending it other than making her feel shitty?

If this is the first time she’s forgotten and she’s not well, I’d have cut her some slack.

AnyoneButAnton · 18/04/2019 23:34

Are you saying that your son has the same birthday as your husband, and your DMIL, having previously ignored her son’s birthday has sent presents for her grandson’s birthday for the past 4 years but now forgotten again? Strange.

However your passive aggressive public attack was always going to cause ill-feeling - presumably you did want to upset her, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it? I think a quick warning to your DH “I’m upset by your mother’s behaviour so I’m going to call her on it on FB in order to make her feel ashamed of herself.” would have been appropriate.

timeisnotaline · 18/04/2019 23:34

Are you 100% sure it would never have happened to any others of her grandchildren ie yours are less important? If so fuck it. Who cares if they are upset.
However I always give people a pass, as I’m not good with dates myself. I need to think before getting my own children’s birthday right and they were both within the last few years and I remember the actual births quite well... so I do accept it’s not everyone’s forte!

Shmithecat2 · 18/04/2019 23:35

So you acknowledge that she's been generous to your kids over the years, and that she's got a lot going on right now, but you still send a shitty, passive aggressive message? YABU and bloody childish.

Raggerty54 · 18/04/2019 23:35

High blood pressure isn’t an excuse for ignoring your grandchild’s birthday...my gran has been through hell and she’d never do that

peachgreen · 18/04/2019 23:35

If my MIL forgot my child's birthday for the first time I'd be worried about her and checking she was okay, not sending passive aggressive texts. Even if she did forget it's really not worth making a fuss over.

7yo7yo · 18/04/2019 23:36

Ah well it’s done.
It was passive aggressive but you know what? She forgot her grandchild’s birthday.
Lots of people will come on and say you shouldn’t have sent the message it was up to your DH, it’s not their responsibility to babysit, you shouldn’t have said anything etc but good for you.
And perhaps you should ask the Sil how she would feel if her child’s birthday was forgotten.
Now breathe, take a step back and relax. What’s done is done.

NCforthis2019 · 18/04/2019 23:36

I am surrounded by doting grandparents and we have struggled to ever even get one night's babysitting once a year despite visiting them always.

Your grandparents are not going to necessarily be the norm for everyone - you do know this? Also, is the reason you visit them so you can get a few nights of free babysitting?

I think I should just remove self now. She loves my children. But effort on one side gets on your nerves.

Yes - if you truly feel like this then it’s best to step back because it seems you’re getting wound up over not very much

Neolara · 18/04/2019 23:37

I think your text was very rude. I'm not surprised your sil has called you on it.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:37

Ok thanks everyone. No need to reply any more. I now know I was out of order and right to send a message of apology and tell her how much she does mean to us. I have felt bad for days so please don't put the boot in. I feel awful. I have always visited and made such an effort. I get on with everyone else's mother in law. We just very different.

OP posts:

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