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Original poster

MIL forgets my child’s birthday

127 replies

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:21

My MIL is in another country an hour away. She rarely remembers her sons birthday but has generous re our children over the years. This year on my son’s 5th birthday she didn’t send a card, call or text let alone a present. I was so disappointed and find this strange as she even saw his party pics on Facebook two days before. She would never forget her other grandchild’s bday in a million years. My husband won’t ever say anything to her -even tho I do re my mumif ever need be- so I scan my text saying it was a shame we heard from no one in the family etc her daughter has now reacted saying my message is out of order and her mother has high blood pressure and now I am the bad guy and has caused major issues between us and them and me and husband. He is loyal to me but if he had had quiet word I wouldn’t always be the bad guy. Really stressed and wondering if I should have let it go. I just don’t know any grandparents who would do this. Was not deliberate as she has a lot on but to not even call knowing it was his bday as is same date as her son etc and she is on Facebook. Be kind as I feel pretty bad. Text was a long the lines of ‘shame he didn’t hear from anyone, we must be used to it by now, maybe you had a lot on, he had a good time anyway x’

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 00:20

You were absolutely right to call her out on it. I would have been a lot nastier!

My word.

Talk about dramatic.

Getting nasty over something like this, is more a reflection on you and I'd be thinking there were some MH issues.

Sadly, common sense isn't always that common.

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:21

Yes Owner you got it! So she saw the pics 2 days before and commented on them. And then didn't call or text all day!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:21

Op, you said she had been generous to your kids in the past. So it’s clearly out of character.

youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:22

Yes generous re gifts to my kids but has never in 12 years called my husband on his birthday or sent a card to him? Is that not strange?!

It's strange for time but not them! They've not sent a card in 12 years to your husband both you and he realise that, so why do you think they'll treat their DGC any differently?

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:23

But you just moaned at her. You didnt ask if she was ok.

youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:24

@OwnerOfThatChocolateBar then you'd lose contact no doubt, they're generous with gusts but poor with cards 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:25

I guess some people don't make a big deal re birthdays. Just wanted to have contact really. She loves the children and very caring when sees them. Doesn't it show how much I want her in our lives. And that I am not possessive and keeping her out.

OP posts:
youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:27

Sorry posted too soon and @OwnerOfThatChocolateBar and @user1498936965 it was tvOPs place to do anything, including OA texts! It's. The DHs issue to deal with his parents not IP to dictate their behaviour. And if OP doesn't want to then that's it, leave it!

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:27

So why send her a shitty message? I would go nuts if my husband sent that to my dad

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:27

They age big family and I threw myself into them and just to hear nothing hurt. Have visited them recently and had good time etc

OP posts:
Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:28

Yes it was my husband's job to speak to his mum. But he won't say anything to her. Ever. So I do and I am bad.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:29

Well, you have made your feelings clear and now you need to accept they aren’t happy.

youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:29

Yes it was my husband's job to speak to his mum. But he won't say anything to her. Ever. So I do and I am bad.

Yes you are, so stop! You've no business telling your PILs off!

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:29

Yes. You didn’t need to say anything. It’s his mother. Would you like it if he was so rude to your family?

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 00:29

but has never in 12 years called my husband on his birthday or sent a card to him? Is that not strange?

That's how they are. Every family is different and you can't or shouldn't impose your ways on them.

My family is incredibly close.

I speak to my Dsis every day... often more than once a day. My DH finds this strange. He can go over 6 months without speaking to his siblings... I find that strange.

I do a lot of practical stuff for my parents...he doesn't.

Every family has their individual ways...it's not for you to call them out on things you disagree with.

The way we are as individuals has a lot to do with how we were raised. You don't know how your MIL was raised.

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:35

So I made a mistake. I apologised. Will just lie low. I have bought a card and plan to make a card with the children to send. Not sure what else I can do but is affecting me now.

OP posts:
youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:38

So I made a mistake. I apologised. Will just lie low. I have bought a card and plan to make a card with the children to send. Not sure what else I can do but is affecting me now.

Just 18 minutes ago you were thanking a PP who said you were right she would've been nastier....

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:41

Well it just didn't make me feel so bad and the worst person in the world

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 00:42

I threw myself into them and just to hear nothing hurt.

This is your issue OP.

Something you could do with exploring further.

You're trying to get right in there and it's like you want approval from them so badly...but have messed up with your actions.

My H is from a big family. I would have liked to be closer to them..but we're different characters. Moreover and fundamentally... I can only be so close to them...if my DH is very close to them.

I had to pull back, because it wasn't happening. One thing I said recently to my BIL was that it's very bad that my DC and his would walk passed each other on the street and that's because he, DH and the rest are not close.

I was very clear in saying my DC could never not recognise their cousins on my side of the family... but there was nothing PA about it... I spoke politely and he agreed with me.

My point being, you don't always agree with how your inlaws operate...but you never get nasty about it.

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:48

Ok thanks everyone. I have learnt a lot and gained some self awareness. Will heed this advice and try to be better. I am a nice and kind person, I guess we can all turn into a lioness for our kids sometimes. This prob wasn't the time to do it.

OP posts:
poglets · 19/04/2019 00:59

OP, relax. You have reflected on some of it and perhaps would do it differently next time. In some quarters, what you said wouldn't have caused any upset at all.

Care less. If they miss the bday, their loss. And take a step back from the in laws. SIL/MIL combo is a hard one for many DIL. You're not alone.

Just care less. Leave it to your DH. And don't feel so bad about posters. It's ok.

poglets · 19/04/2019 01:01

Just seen your post here:

'My A's my husband says he is not bothered and also that he just withdraws from them and that is why he lives away from them '

Problem solved. 👏🏻

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 19/04/2019 01:21

@Nicknacky - do you know (and loath) the OP from another thread or something? You seem INCREDIBLY invested in this issue. You're coming back over and over to castigate her. She's saying repeatedly she feels bad. And STILL you're giving her a hard time. Is there a reason for that?

OP - I also thought your message was quite Pass Agg. BUT, my DM is a FANTASTIC grandmother, but she hates children's b.days (and esp their parties). So she ignores them. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, and my DD always adored (and continues, age 17) to adore her GM.
A 5 yr old just cares about a huge mound of presents. They don't care what came from Auntie Doreen or that best friend from school didn't send anything. They just care about the gifts. So you can easily distract your child away from the hurt.

It sounds like there's other issues going on here between DH and his mother, and that's something you can maybe work on/discuss with him.

But regardless, I think you went a bit rogue on this one. And, as has been said upthread - pick your battles!

Ihatehashtags · 19/04/2019 01:45

High BP?!! Big deal! She sounds self absorbed as anything

TheSerenDipitY · 19/04/2019 03:01

weird i dont think sending a to the point text message is rude, you were hurt and you said so... i think the reaction is out of order myself, millions of people have high blood pressure and get along just fine, some even work Shock at jobs Shock IKR!!!! and to be honest if her blood pressure is that bad the a simple "we were disappointed not to hear from you on xyz's bday" is enough to kill her then maybe its time for her to be in a hospital on stronger drugs and constant monitoring, cause that isnt that bad a text really!!!
i think the blood pressure guilt is a handy way of shutting everyone up and stop them from calling her out