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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL forgets my child’s birthday

127 replies

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:21

My MIL is in another country an hour away. She rarely remembers her sons birthday but has generous re our children over the years. This year on my son’s 5th birthday she didn’t send a card, call or text let alone a present. I was so disappointed and find this strange as she even saw his party pics on Facebook two days before. She would never forget her other grandchild’s bday in a million years. My husband won’t ever say anything to her -even tho I do re my mumif ever need be- so I scan my text saying it was a shame we heard from no one in the family etc her daughter has now reacted saying my message is out of order and her mother has high blood pressure and now I am the bad guy and has caused major issues between us and them and me and husband. He is loyal to me but if he had had quiet word I wouldn’t always be the bad guy. Really stressed and wondering if I should have let it go. I just don’t know any grandparents who would do this. Was not deliberate as she has a lot on but to not even call knowing it was his bday as is same date as her son etc and she is on Facebook. Be kind as I feel pretty bad. Text was a long the lines of ‘shame he didn’t hear from anyone, we must be used to it by now, maybe you had a lot on, he had a good time anyway x’

OP posts:
Babuchak · 18/04/2019 23:37

I make a huge fuss of birthdays, mine included, but Christ, this is over the top. People forget, people remember at the wrong time and forget to contact you, people don't think about the date... It's so not a big deal when it's someone in another country!

It would be beyond shitty if the parents forgot, but a delay from the grand-parents is nothing.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 23:38

I get on with everyone else's mother in law.
how many husbands have you got?!

Chickychoccyegg · 18/04/2019 23:39

How is it rude to bring up forgetting/not bothering about dc birthday but not rude to ignore the birthday ?
i think you did the right thing , she was rude and theres nothing wrong with mentioning it.

Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:40

Sil has no kids and nothing better to do. I have not ever visited for babysitting. I just wanted us to have one night out with the other parents on holiday. Once MIL babysat other grandchild and not ours. So I stayed home. And no she would never ever forget the other grandchild and this has happened before. I will now step back and move on. I have apologised.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:41

Thank you for supportive messages. Exactly how can I be rude when this is not normal and happens a lot etc my husband is one of four and not one card or text or message is strange.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:41

What so you mean, your SIL has nothing better to do? Do you think because she doesn’t have kids she should babysit?

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:42

Why didn’t you say “hi are you ok, it was x’s birthday yesterday and we didn’t hear from you so we are worried?”

Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:43

7yo7yo thank you. Your message means a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:44

Nickynacky I am not saying SIL should babysit at all. You are getting mixed up.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:45

So what are you saying about SIL?

SylvanianFrenemies · 18/04/2019 23:46

Sil has no kids and nothing better to do

Sheesh, know when to stop. What your SIL does with her time is her business. Having kids doesn't make your life more worthy, interesting or important (I have 2 btw).

Singlenotsingle · 18/04/2019 23:47

Look, there's nothing wrong with reminding people about DC's birthday! I've got 2 dgc and I always remember the older one's, but would easily forget the little one if my ddil didn't warn me! My dp has got eleven dgc!!! How could he remember if no one reminded him?

It's too late now though. The damage is done. A heartfelt apology is required, and maybe flowers? Flowers

Vehivle · 18/04/2019 23:49

Sorry but your text message was super passive aggressive. No wonder her daughter got offended on her behalf. You ARE the bad guy for sending that message. You should have just ignored the lack of contact and not said anything to your son. If he asked about not hearing from grandma, I'd have offered to let him call her directly if he so wanted. But I doubt he did that and expect you were just getting worked up on his behalf.

FWIW my parents in law are also in a different country. They are getting older and I don't expect them to remember or know when my kids birthdays are. Nor do I expect them to send cards or gifts as postage is expensive. I will always WhatsApp them photos of the birthday celebrations we have. Primarily to include them and let them see the photos of their son and grandkids- but also as a gentle reminder of the birthday itself and usually they will WhatsApp a response of "say happy birthday from me!" Which I duly pass on or they will try to arrange a time to call the child directly and sometimes will ask if I can buy something on their behalf for the kid and they will reimburse the money etc. They are the grandparents - not the parents. The relationship is supposed to be light and flexible and enjoyable. Not like that of a parent and child. Don't fuss if they forget, what matters is that you the parents remember the kids birthdays.

Genuinely I feel a bit sorry for your mother in law. You say she's been generous with your kids up til now - even though normally she rarely even remembers her own sons birthday but she has up to now remembered her grandkids. Then she forgets this year for whatever reason - getting older/ personal health concern - and you send some bullshit text saying "we're used to this now anyways". You sound like hard work. No wonder your husband didn't back you on that text. I'd be mortified if my husband sent anything as petty as that to my parents or his.

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 23:51

How is it rude to bring up forgetting/not bothering about dc birthday but not rude to ignore the birthday ?

since when is it rude to forget something?

With family, just a friendly reminder would be enough, no need for so much drama and such a rude message, unless you want to ensure complete silence for all the future birthdays!

GPatz · 18/04/2019 23:51

Why is your SIL even getting involved? I'm sure MIL could have dealt with this herself

Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:51

Ok I was wrong and have apologised. Can we stop now I feel bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:53

Exactly MIL is queen bee who gets SIL to act on her behalf. She is very powerful in subtle way. I have suffered racism from them and lots of shit not mentioned here.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:53

What do you mean about your SIL?

Babuchak · 18/04/2019 23:53

Why is your SIL even getting involved? I'm sure MIL could have dealt with this herself

in the real world, you could imagine a very upset MIL not wanting to rock the boat and a very pissed off SIL putting her foot down directly. I could see myself doing similar if someone was so rude to my mother.

Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:55

Racism against English people I mean .

OP posts:
Original poster
user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:57

What is so rude about saying ' it is disappointing we didn't hear from you' this is a grandma who doesn't Skype or call from one month to the next and only sees the children when we visit them?!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 23:57

So you are happy to talk about the racism against you but not what you mean about your SIL having no kids?

Original poster
user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:00

Omg my point was re my SIL that she doesn't have kids so maybe doesn't understand how it feels! That is all. I have been the most supportive person to her wanting her to be a mother and would even be a surrogate for her as she is born to be a mother. Is not about that ffs!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:02

You were rude to her mum. Her lack of children is irrelevant to that.

If it’s not about that then don’t mention it.

saraclara · 19/04/2019 00:02

What is so rude about saying ' it is disappointing we didn't hear from *

That isn't what you said though. Your text was obnoxious. You could easily have put your point across in terms that would have been accepted, but instead you sent a snippy and passive aggressive message with a fake kiss on the end.