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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL forgets my child’s birthday

127 replies

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:21

My MIL is in another country an hour away. She rarely remembers her sons birthday but has generous re our children over the years. This year on my son’s 5th birthday she didn’t send a card, call or text let alone a present. I was so disappointed and find this strange as she even saw his party pics on Facebook two days before. She would never forget her other grandchild’s bday in a million years. My husband won’t ever say anything to her -even tho I do re my mumif ever need be- so I scan my text saying it was a shame we heard from no one in the family etc her daughter has now reacted saying my message is out of order and her mother has high blood pressure and now I am the bad guy and has caused major issues between us and them and me and husband. He is loyal to me but if he had had quiet word I wouldn’t always be the bad guy. Really stressed and wondering if I should have let it go. I just don’t know any grandparents who would do this. Was not deliberate as she has a lot on but to not even call knowing it was his bday as is same date as her son etc and she is on Facebook. Be kind as I feel pretty bad. Text was a long the lines of ‘shame he didn’t hear from anyone, we must be used to it by now, maybe you had a lot on, he had a good time anyway x’

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/04/2019 00:04

SIL has no kids and nothing better to do.

Honestly, you should consider a hiatus from saying stuff or texting stuff.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:05

Ok. I have hung myself out to dry on here and joe know I was wrong. But there is more to this, too long to write. I won't expect anything of others. I have learnt a harsh lesson.

OP posts:

NC29 · 19/04/2019 00:07

My DH moved away from his mom when he was 14. Since then he has never ever got a happy birthday card/text/.... She has never called, anything. My parents "adopted" him and treat him as their son, so he sees the huge difference. I made it a point for him to take our son to his mom to visit at least once a year after he was born. Gave up after 4 years as it was all one sided. Trying to push a relationship and expecting the other person to care is wrong. Just because of blood it doesn't always happen. Let it go, don't try. She doesn't want to be part of your life than that's it. Your husband will have to come to terms with it, as harsh as it is. After 23 yrs together this is still a subject matter that comes up from time to time in our family as my DH still doesn't understand how a mother can give up on one child and not on the other 4 she had. He will never understand it, but he is not fretting over it any more either.

ps.: my mum has high blood pressure, and millions of other. That is no excuse to anything. Take your pills and that's it.

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:07

Oh, there always is a longer story when it’s not going the op’s way.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 00:07

That was incredibly rude of you.

Forgetting the birthday of your grandchild, is not crime of the century FGS.

This would be my view..if this is the first time she forgot.... I'd not say anything.

If she always forgot... then it's no surprise.

Either way, you were 100% wrong fir sending that message and if my SIL did that...I'd call her out on it or tell my brother to talk to his wife.

Such an immature response and totally unnecessary.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:07

I wrote quickly but didn't mean she has no kids so nothing to do. I mean she may not understand as no kids herself. I have been so kind to her. I just mean she likes drama and getting involved. 2 separate things I meant. No female support on here just attacks.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:09

So we are to agree with you because we are female?

saraclara · 19/04/2019 00:09

Why should we support you just because you're/we're female?

You were wrong.

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/04/2019 00:10

Come on OP. Examine your emotional.responses "I won't expect anything of others". no-one is saying that you should expect nothing. Just chill. That poor me schtick won't bring you happiness.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:10

Geese will never do this again

OP posts:

saraclara · 19/04/2019 00:11

I love it when people post on AIBU, and when told they're U, get all hurt or angry.
You asked a question, we gave you the answer.

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/04/2019 00:11

People are supporting you. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear, but if you hear it you may learn something that will truly help you.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 19/04/2019 00:12

You were absolutely right to call her out on it. I would have been a lot nastier!

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 00:13

owner even though it was unusual and not like her? Would you not worry something was wrong first? I would.

youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:14

Why is it you refer to your children as MY?

It's like you are more upset than your DH! Surely he feels more pain that HIS parents ignore the children?

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:15

It is like her. She rarely remembers our birthdays or sends a card or calls. Never for her first born son my husband.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 00:15

My PILS have 14 GC. My FIL remembers them all, including all his DC and their spouses...but he is rare in that sense.

He sends a card without fail and a gift too,no matter how small.

He writes the dates in a diary so he never forgets. If he did forget, I wouldn't think any less of him.

Some families don't recognise and celebrate birthdays like others do.

As long as you the parents do what you need to, that's enough....but PA messages won't help. Just puts you in a bad light.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:16

My A's my husband says he is not bothered and also that he just withdraws from them and that is why he lives away from them etc

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/04/2019 00:16

Do you honestly think people believe you would be happy to be a surrogate mother for someone who is racist towards you when you are so rude to your MIL who forgot.your sons birthday even though in your words she has a lot going on at the moment.

Seniorschoolmum · 19/04/2019 00:18

People have different values, that’s all. My mum didn’t remember her dgc’s birthdays. I don’t remember my nephews & nieces birthdays - all 12 of them - but I’ll fly to another continent at zero notice and bring them home when they hurt themselves and their parents can’t fly.
Like someone said early on, don’t sweat the small stuff.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/04/2019 00:18

And yet in your opening post you commented hiw she was usually generous to your son.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:19

I think the moral here is don't sweat the small stuff and don't send passive aggressive texts. Ok thanks.

OP posts:

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 19/04/2019 00:19

No @Nicknacky I wouldn't actually as she'd seen photos from his party two days prior to his actual birthday. I'd just think she was being crap

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 00:20

Yes generous re gifts to my kids but has never in 12 years called my husband on his birthday or sent a card to him? Is that not strange?!

OP posts:

youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 00:20

My A's my husband says he is not bothered and also that he just withdraws from them and that is why he lives away from them etc

Well then don't try and change them?

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