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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL forgets my child’s birthday

127 replies

user1498936965 · 18/04/2019 23:21

My MIL is in another country an hour away. She rarely remembers her sons birthday but has generous re our children over the years. This year on my son’s 5th birthday she didn’t send a card, call or text let alone a present. I was so disappointed and find this strange as she even saw his party pics on Facebook two days before. She would never forget her other grandchild’s bday in a million years. My husband won’t ever say anything to her -even tho I do re my mumif ever need be- so I scan my text saying it was a shame we heard from no one in the family etc her daughter has now reacted saying my message is out of order and her mother has high blood pressure and now I am the bad guy and has caused major issues between us and them and me and husband. He is loyal to me but if he had had quiet word I wouldn’t always be the bad guy. Really stressed and wondering if I should have let it go. I just don’t know any grandparents who would do this. Was not deliberate as she has a lot on but to not even call knowing it was his bday as is same date as her son etc and she is on Facebook. Be kind as I feel pretty bad. Text was a long the lines of ‘shame he didn’t hear from anyone, we must be used to it by now, maybe you had a lot on, he had a good time anyway x’

OP posts:

ShinyShoe · 19/04/2019 03:34

Don’t make and send a card!! She’s then getting rewarded for her bad behaviour! I don’t think you are BU at all. It’s pretty shitty to forget your grandkids birthday and I don’t blame you for being upset at all. I don’t actually think she did forget and I think she maybe saw the party pics on Facebook and got annoyed she wasn’t invited? She passively aggressive didn’t say or send anything. She knew it was his birthday. She chose not to make any gesture. High blood pressure doesn’t stop her sending a WhatsApp message to say happy birthday. She’s reacting well enough to the message you sent her right? So she has the energy or is well enough to do that? She could have even moonpigged a card meaning she doesn’t even need to leave her house! She was trying to provoke an argument. You played into her hands sadly. I think you can’t win with people like her. If you are the type of person to not care about your grandkids birthday then there isn’t really much you can do. No amount of angry messages will change it. Your DH has the right approach. He’s learnt over the years to just not bother with her. You have to do the same. Take her off your Facebook, ignore and let her get on with it. Stop trying. It’s down to her to make effort. Make effort with the people who care. Don’t send the card! If it was me I wouldn’t have sent the text but now you have, own it. You were angry on your sons behalf. Good for you. Just act differently on that anger in future. Don’t passive aggressive message, honest angry message “I’m feel really hurt and disappointed that you made no effort on his birthday. Is there a reason that we aren’t aware of that would make you choose to act this way?” Whatever you do don’t mollycoddle her or now make huge efforts to run after her. She acted in a mean way. I’d be going NC and leave it down to your DH to make any future effort or contact.

PregnantSea · 19/04/2019 04:41

It absolutely does matter that she forgot his birthday, especially seeing that this is a recurring theme. Not sure how anyone in their right mind could disagree with that. Mumsnet can be strange.

However you were very unreasonable to send that text. It was passive aggressive and would have pissed me off. Also your DH should be the one texting, not you. I know it's frustrating that he's being a wuss and doesn't want to, but ultimately it's up to him. It's his mother, not yours. You're allowed to get annoyed at him for not mentioning it, but I don't think it's right to contact her yourself.

lboogy · 19/04/2019 04:51

Yeah. You were out of order. You knew she had a lot going on and in that context it's easy to forget. You only needed to ring and find out of your mil was okay and gently ask her to ring your son and wish him happy birthday.

KC225 · 19/04/2019 05:55

I wouldn't send the card either. Its likely to be taken the wrong way. You felt your son was forgotten oroverlooked, felt hurt and lashed out. You have apologised, leave it at that.

We live two and half hours away in an EU country and my elderly mother forgets their birthdays now. As she is less mobile, she doesn't always make it to the post in time. When I am over I suggest choosing some cards and she can sign them and I put them away until the day. She usually gives me the money to get them something these days. Can you do something like that, especially as you have said you have a good time when you are there.

Original poster

user1498936965 · 19/04/2019 08:03

This lady is only 65 and fully mobile and active. The party was a kids party on Facebook. She wouldn't have come over as she always says has no money when have plenty.

OP posts:

zippey · 19/04/2019 08:14

If your MIL is generally good to your child I would leave it. Plus it should be your DH saying stuff to his mum, you shouldn’t have to be involved and then no more bad guy.

If her health isn’t too good it doesn’t sound like she will be around for many more birthdays. I would let it go too because, well it’s just a birthday.

Every grand parent is different.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2019 08:25

Good on your SIL calling you out in the message.

and we have struggled to ever even get one night's babysitting once a year

I never get why people have children then moan they have to parent them. You choose to have them, your responsibility to care for them. No one else's.

Hollowvictory · 19/04/2019 08:35

Seriously my family may or may not call in the day or send a card or presents. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I've never had a parent babysit and my kids are now 12!
These are not major issues. Your text made you look stupid and mean.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2019 08:39

I think you were right, especially if she would never do that to her other grandchildren. How much effort is it to say, happy birthday, nothing.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2019 08:41

Btw my 83 year old mother has high blood pressure, but still comes on the train to visit us 50 miles away, as I don't drive and she prefers to visit and stay. Op you were right to be hurt, and your dh would not say anything, so you should. Hard cheese if they don't like the truth.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2019 08:45

my husband says he is not bothered and also that he just withdraws from them and that is why he lives away from them etc Then you need to follow his lead. Back off.

Stop communicating. Let him lead with how much contact you both have with his family. He has had a whole lifetime to come to tems with this, don't undermine his probably considerable mental effort to detach himself.

I had no idea how hard it was for my DH to cope with my best efforts with his family, until he was so very supporting and unquestioning when I had to deal with mine!

AlwaysCheddar · 19/04/2019 08:47

It seems that she’s just not bothered with your dc and you seem to feel hurt by that (understandably) but you still push her to do more which is not working. Just don’t bother with her.

UserName31456789 · 19/04/2019 08:57

Meh my Mil forgot DS1's birthday once. It wasn't deliberate and I certainly wouldn't have made her feel bad about it. I would be upset if there was favouritism though. I don't think the text was particularly helpful though. If she is showing favouritism it won't be reversed by a PA text.

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 09:19

You wasn’t in the wrong they couldn’t be bothered to wish dg a happy birthday but got defensive at your text? Normal people would apologise and make a fuss of birthday boy not bring high blood pressure in to it. It takes seconds to text a birthday message. I think you now need to let it go, you said what you needed to and they know deep down it was wrong of them but it’s not worth a family rift over. Just let your dh deal with any issues in future.

woollyheart · 19/04/2019 09:20

Hmmm - everyone makes mistakes, and it is a shame that they forgot. You may have been a little rude in how you handled it. But MIL and SIL seem very easily upset. They could have just said how mortified they were to have forgotten.

Does DH keep out of it because he knows how easily things escalate?

If MIL is the queen bee and acts like this often, there is no harm in reminding her that other people exist and grandchildren get upset if they are ignored. I would keep things dignified if this is the case. I wouldn't start sending cards because that just reinforces her belief that she is the only one that matters.

Kel801 · 19/04/2019 09:25

I agree I think you are being unreasonable. Your DCs birthday is just not as important to others as it is to you, and people not prioritising your DC is annoying but I don’t now think it gives you the right to send messages that you know will cause trouble.
Relying on MIL seeing a Facebook post to remind her its your child’s birthday isn’t really foolproof is it, she may not have checked fbook etc.

Tilikum · 19/04/2019 09:34

She's never bothered with your DHs birthday, and doesn't seem to want to be involved in your lives, so why do you keep expecting things from her? The writing was on the wall that she isn't arsed about your family. She's never going to suddenly be the caring and involved grandma you want, so let it go. Have minimal contact with her and no expectations, you'll be happier for it.

Nicknacky · 19/04/2019 09:56

Mitzi incredibly invested in replying to a thread for an hour or two? Not in the slightest. I’m just getting incredibly fucked off with the amount of in law posts this week where in laws (usually the mother) are failing to live up to MN poster standards.

Let’s cut our loved ones some slack.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 19/04/2019 11:40

@Nicknacky - fair enough.

woollyheart · 19/04/2019 11:42

Do you normally send her a birthday card?

Seaweed42 · 19/04/2019 11:58

If you didn't notice your mood in this instance, then there are other times you don't notice how your moods are affecting how you treat others. You only notice your own feelings when you are triggered, and that prevents you from seeing anyone else's point of view.

saraclara · 19/04/2019 12:10

@Tilikum
But she is a caring, kind and generous GM. The OP has said so a few times in this thread. She just seems to have a blind spot about birthdays.
She absolutely didn't deserve that text, and must be really upset.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 19/04/2019 12:19

She was out of order, I can get why you reacted the way you did. However, I think I would have left it to my husband to deal with, it's his mother so it should have come from him, not you. Although I do get why you sent the message, sometimes it's hard not to snap back when we're angry.

Crazycrazylady · 19/04/2019 12:22

I can understand you being disappointed but thinks it's incredibly rude to send a text bemoaning lack of present . They are meant to be optional. If you sent that text to my mom you'd definitely hear about it from me. You should have let it to your dh and now you have probably permanently damaged your relationship with you in-laws .🙄

saraclara · 19/04/2019 12:32

I'm just wondering how all the posters who've said "she deserved it" would react if they got a text like that from their daughter in law.

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