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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

247 replies

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:00

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

OP posts:
Unicornshopkeeper · 18/04/2019 11:11

sandy I think your imagination is running away with you there

higgyhog all perfectly reasonable unless you'd also use emotional blackmail to force your son to do a 2 hour round trip on top of a long work day, purely so you could see him on the day

Yabbers · 18/04/2019 11:11

I wonder how your mum would react if you went for dinner with your in laws rather than her in your birthday. It’s easy to paint in laws as controlling people but often I think they just want to be included

I go out with my in-laws all the time. My parents are happy enough with that, because they are grown ups and understand people have relationships with other people. In this situation they are all living together and so have decided to have a meal out. It’s hardly like they’ve hired the local hall and are throwing a catered do.

Cranky17 · 18/04/2019 11:11

Cranky if he really didn't want to do anything I'm sure he would have turned down the offer of dinner at the local pub. So yes, it is up to him that he accepted an invitation to dinner from his in-laws.

But he has.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

Is he not allowed to change his mind?

MrsFassy · 18/04/2019 11:15

But he has

Has what? Turned down the invitation? Only after his parents gave him grief and guilted him into doing so.

Do you not see the difference between popping to the local for a meal, and driving two hours after a 13 hour day?

Cranky17 · 18/04/2019 11:16

They simply want their own way, otherwise they'd accept the invitation, join him at the pub then have their family celebration at the weekend.
I agree that they are being silly and should join them, but my point is I can understand why his parent feel upset.

Cranky17 · 18/04/2019 11:19

Do you not see the difference between popping to the local for a meal, and driving two hours after a 13 hour day?
of course I do, but can you not see why his parents and dh might be a little bit upset, is it that unreasonable for a mum to be a little upset that her child (32) is spending his birthday with his in laws who he lives with every week? It’s just a bit of compassion towards someone.

titchy · 18/04/2019 11:27

I find all the dynamics here really odd tbh. Even your parents feeling they had to suggest something to mark the occasion because you/he hadn't arranged anything. I don't know why your parents didn't just assume you'd be making your own arrangements to do something, and any lack of arrangements was because neither of you wanted to go out mid-week.

Notonthestairs · 18/04/2019 11:28

Getting upset and then asking him to drive an hour each way after work is not putting your child first.

Sometimes things we want aren't as practical as we'd like. That's life.

DarlingNikita · 18/04/2019 11:31

can you not see why his parents and dh might be a little bit upset
Honestly, no. It's an hour's travel each way after a long day at work versus a laid-back arrangement for dinner at a local pub and then a quick journey home to bed. And they're seeing him at the weekend, when they can have their birthday celebration for him.

his in laws who he lives with every week? He lives with THEM at the weekends. Arguably they have the better 'deal' as they see him when (presumably) he's not at work, is less tired, more relaxed and they can all do nice weekend things together.

DarlingNikita · 18/04/2019 11:31

can you not see why his parents and dh might be a little bit upset
Honestly, no. It's an hour's travel each way after a long day at work versus a laid-back arrangement for dinner at a local pub and then a quick journey home to bed. And they're seeing him at the weekend, when they can have their birthday celebration for him.

his in laws who he lives with every week? He lives with THEM at the weekends. Arguably they have the better 'deal' as they see him when (presumably) he's not at work, is less tired, more relaxed and they can all do nice weekend things together.

DarlingNikita · 18/04/2019 11:32

Sorry for double post!

Romax · 18/04/2019 11:34

I’m 38

What I would give to spend my birthday with my mother (she died 13 years ago)

multiplemum3 · 18/04/2019 11:35

Why have people always got to bring deceased relatives into it? It's absolutely not the same thing, he doesn't routinely spend birthdays with them, its too much hassle on a work night and they're being ridiculous.

Romax · 18/04/2019 11:38

I would have spent my birthday with my mother (and my two children) every year! Regardless of whether I’m looking back with hindsight as to when she was alive

thecatsthecats · 18/04/2019 11:40

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you.

Well, since when last I checked the world doesn't revolve around me, I'd be good with that.

Weirdly enough, my birthdays have moved on a bit since it was opening presents and having cake with my parents and siblings when I was a kid.

It is quite funny though that you think you're magically turning the tables on people by presenting it this way - people who aren't precious about these things also are unlikely to pass on precious attitudes to their own children!

Yabbers · 18/04/2019 11:44

I also hate dad’s doing the “you’ve upset your mother” thing.

My dad did it all the time. My mum is more than capable of telling me she’s upset and what he really meant was that he was pissed off.

Roussette · 18/04/2019 11:47

Good grief, some posters are very precious! No, YANBU.

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you

How would I feel?
Happy they've got a life! I want my now adult DCs to do exactly what they want on their birthday and not feel obliged or a sense of duty to see me. I would be very surprised, in fact, if they did see me on their birthday, they've got friends, partners, things to do. If it so happened I did see them on their special day... great. But really don't expect them to.

OP's DH is seeing them at the weekend after all! It makes sense to go to the local pub with his in laws than do a 2 hour round trip to see his parents when he's seeing them anyway a couple of days later.

rollonoctober · 18/04/2019 11:55

Who wants to eat a roast dinner at 9pm?! Your PIL are unreasonable, if seeing their DS on the actual day of his birthday is so important let them make the 2 hr round trip.

MudCity · 18/04/2019 12:06

YANBU. It is ridiculous that his parents are making an issue out of this. Celebrating a birthday mid-week when you work long hours is often impractical. They sound bizarre.

LittleChristmasMouse · 18/04/2019 12:08

Why are the dh and PIL being slated but not the OP and her parents?

She has said dh doesn't want to do anything but her mum has arranged a meal out - why is that ok then? Why can't the dh actually do what he wants to do ie nothing?

Poor sod. He is caught in the middle here between trying to please his wife and in laws and his own parents and no one actually seems to care about what he wants to do.

lazyarse123 · 18/04/2019 12:08

His parents are being ridiculous. Do They expect him to spend every birthday with them even when he has kids?

JenniferJareau · 18/04/2019 12:13

Sounds like MIL is feeling pushed out as you are spending the evening with your parents and they were not included in the arrangements.

MrsFassy · 18/04/2019 12:21

LittleChristmas No, the OP's mother asked her SiL if he wanted to go to their local pub for a meal, he agreed. She didn't book the table and demand they be there. If he really didn't want to go I'm going to assume (based on the evidence of him being willing to cancel on them now his parents have kicked off) if it really wasn't something he fancied he would have said so.

Thecoffee · 18/04/2019 12:24

7 pages? Seriously? I cant imagine any parent getting worked up about an adult son/daughter' s birthday (and I do have adult DC myself). His birthday, his mother, let him sort it out.

LittleChristmasMouse · 18/04/2019 12:32

I don't know MrsFassy. Just going off of what the OP said.

I think tbh he was quite happy to do nothing on his actual bday as he won’t be home till 7.30 and has to be up at 6

If the husband was quite happy to do nothing then I wonder how the pub meal came to be booked?