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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Rant - so know I probably am not being unreasonable

59 replies

LieselVentouse · 14/07/2007 22:32

Im booked in for elective section on Friday 0730hrs - they said theyre coming in to see me at lunchtime and I said no theyre not - they fail to see what the problem is - problem is Ive been told I wont be in ward until late afternoon but they want to see the baby not me

OP posts:

DobbyMOO · 16/07/2007 10:43

Tell them your CS has been rescheduled to Saturday

jellybeans · 16/07/2007 10:49

No YANBU. I had a complicated crash section and was very ill and MIL asked DH if she could come in and 'see babies' (not a thought for me who was back in theatre) and DH said no. When I was coming round the nurse said ,' MIL is here' I was livid that she just came anyway! A nurse told her to go away. She came the next day (as usual all over babies and ignored me!) but then she had to wait till we got home.

Original poster

LieselVentouse · 16/07/2007 10:51

Well I wasnt going to tell them the date at all but my DD let it slip. Greebos thats a v. good point. Im going to say that they wont allow other kids in under 12.

OP posts:

fedupwasherwoman · 16/07/2007 10:52

Would it be very bad to stretch the truth ?

OK then how about a big fat lie.

Get dh to 'phone them as soon as you get to the hospital or to nip out whilst you are waiting(I very much doubt the op will be started before about 9.00 am). All he has to say is that you're there with 2 other couples waiting for the CS list and you have been placed last on the list for reasons best known to the surgical staff only and what's more they also currently have a back-log of 2 "emergency" ladies admitted in the night who are now in front of you in the queue. (Emergency c-sections don't generally mean a frantic dash from delivery room to theatre !) Imply that you don't know when the op will take place if at all that day and that he'll 'phone later to let them know what is happening.

If you are on a morning list I think you might well be on the ward by mid afternoon and dd/your mum can come as planned leaving PIL's to set off only when they get the call.

Ask the ward staff not to give out any information to anyone who telephones, due to a "difficult family situation".

BandofMuggles · 16/07/2007 10:54

Has your MIL forgotten what it's like to have a baby.
I loved people visiting, but they all asked if it was okay first and I would've been really peed off with any one telling me when they were going to visit. It's your baby, your body and you call the shots.

Good Luck btw, and enjoy your new lo

potoroo · 16/07/2007 10:57

YANBU

As cargirl said, you are just as likely to get bumped down the list for emergency c-sections.

The hospital I was in had to buzz people into the maternity ward and no children were allowed except baby's siblings so it wasn't an option.

If all else fails, tell DH to lie and say doctors orders are no visiting until next day.

Also check visiting hours - at the hospital I was in visiting hours were very limited and early afternoon was rest time for patients (only fathers allowed).

Thankfully all my ILs are in another country...

Original poster

LieselVentouse · 16/07/2007 10:59

They dont see it as coming to see me though and theyve actually said that they are aware I will be in recovery but will be coming in to see the baby. Im assuming the baby will be with me the whole time and cant be taken away.

OP posts:

BandofMuggles · 16/07/2007 10:59

Also other kids apart form siblings weren't allowed in to me, except my friends bought there 1 yo in. Then a couple mths later the same mw's wouldn't let me in to see my sister and her lo.

One of them even pointed at dD2 who was then 10 weeks old, and said is that your sisters baby?? I was like, NO, that's my baby. Had just sadi that too, and really she should've been able to tell, no???

BandofMuggles · 16/07/2007 11:00

If you wn the baby with you then it should be left with you. I would be furious if they took it away and you'd said not to.
Make all your wishes very clear, and have it written down and leave it where they can see it.

DangerousBeans · 16/07/2007 11:01

I think your DH needs to have a very clear conversation with your MIL, and impress upon her how you want your DD to be the first visitor.
This is a completely reasonable request, and if she does not think it is, that really is her problem, not yours.
Your feelings about this situation should take precedence to hers, and if she is determined to be awkward, that is up to her.
You shouldn't have to be worrying about this in the last few days of your pregnancy.
I hope all goes perfectly on Friday.

fedupwasherwoman · 16/07/2007 11:02

If they have a white board near the nursing station with patients names allocated to bay numbers/rooms etc, get them to write "no visitors/no information to be given without checking with patient" by your name - or get dh to do it to ensure your privacy and wishes are respected. Ar you going to breastfeed ? This is a brilliant excuse for wanting to block/delay unwanted visitors.

choosyfloosy · 16/07/2007 11:03

bloomin eck, why are people so unbelievably heavy-footed about this? don't care how eager they are to see the baby!

liesel, what happened with your first child? no wonder you are worried if it happened before?

BandofMuggles · 16/07/2007 11:03

Or have them write it in your notes that baby is to stay with you, esp if you plan to nbf then you'll need it to stay with you.
Wierd saying it, do you know what it'll be???

BandofMuggles · 16/07/2007 11:05

excuse shite typing that should of course say if you're planning to bf.

Tell her if she doesn't respect your wishes you wont let her see it at all

(that was a joke before people get outraged)

messydrawers · 16/07/2007 11:17

poor you, I had the same situation with a scheduled c section, where the PILs arrived the night before and planned to set up camp in the hospital. I got in a right stress but got dh to tell them NOT to come to hospital until they were told to! Mine was a first baby, so really wanted to see my parents first.

Also, was in recovery for 3 hrs as well as c sec being delayed so it would have been stupid for them to have done a "stake out"!

I regretted getting so stressed about it, but wished they hadb't put so much pressure on. Scheduled c sec felt odd enough without having to coordinate visitors!

Good luck on Friday, just let dh/dp handle it for you!

MarshaBrady · 16/07/2007 11:17

Yanbu.
They can wait. Your dh needs to let them know that you would llike your dd to see the baby first. I find it incredible that they can't just bloody wait a day or so tbh.

MarshaBrady · 16/07/2007 11:25

Also its fabulous you wish to treasure your dd seeing her sibling first (i definitely would too). Could you make this clear to dh? otherwise it will make you feel even more stressed.

LoveAngel · 16/07/2007 11:31

No reasons to add other than what has already beens aid, but YANBU in any way, shape or form. Stick to your guns.

mouseman · 16/07/2007 11:35

Because she hadn't heard if the baby had arrived yet or not, my Mil actually came into the ante room and I could see her from where I was lying in theatre, mid C section!!! I was livid and the nurses had to ask her to leave.

KTNoo · 16/07/2007 12:05

This is one of the times in your life that you can have things the way you want imo. Forget about upsetting people - it's you who's going through the c-section. Just wait and see how you feel afterwards and have vistors when you feel ready. When I had my ds by c-section I thought I'd miss my dd terribly, but actually when it came to it I knew she was quite happy with her dad and I really enjoyed having time alone with the new baby with short visits from dh and dd. It would have been horrible if that had all be spoilt by constant visitors. As soon as you are home life will be busy so I would advise you to get some peace and quiet in hospital.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!

cornsilk · 16/07/2007 12:07

I didn't have a c-section but can't believe that pil's or even parents assume it's ok to visit uninvited.

Guitargirl · 16/07/2007 12:24

Where do they think the baby is going to be whilst you are in recovery? It's my understanding that unless there are complications the baby will be with you the whole time. I had an emergency CS and DD was never out of my sight even whilst I was in recovery.

I wouldn't rely on the midwives on the ward to keep visitors away. It depends on how the ward is set up. Where I was the doors were open during visiting hours which was all afternoon and visitors could come and go as they wanted, the midwives were too busy to patrol who was coming in, the only thing they were strict about was not too many to a bed. They did also enforce the 'no children unless the patient's' rule though.

Good luck in sorting it out, it's so difficult isn't it and definitely not what you need at the end of your pregnancy.

evenhope · 16/07/2007 12:48

When I was in Recovery after my section the baby was on the ward with DH (he said it felt like forever!). May be as well to check what your hospital's procedure is?

alicet · 16/07/2007 13:27

Put in your birth plan that if your baby has to be separated from you (for example if you unexpectedly need a general anaesthetic which can happen even with an elective section) that the only person they are allowed to see before you is dh (and dd if you would like that). It is important that your dh knows this too so that he can make sure this happens.

My mil is also very 'now you have ds we're not interested in seeing you - only him' attitude which is all very well but the 2 of you come as a package and you will have had major surgery.

As long as dh agrees with you (which it sounds like he does) then let him talk to your mil - whether he wants to be honest and tell her you don't want to see her till the next day or make up an excuse thats up to him (as long as he tells you the excuse so you can go along with it!!)

It really annoys me that people think they can dictate when they will see you - I would personally never even dream of going to visit a new mum without first checking that it was OK. I had an emergency section with ds and although my recovery was pretty straightforward I was knackered and hormonal and although visiting for anyone other than partners and your children was limited to 1 and a half hours twice a day it was exhausting. I think this time I will say no visitors apart from immediate family until we get home. If I have a elective this time (undecided yet) then I will chat to dh about who we tell the date to first!

helenhismadwife · 16/07/2007 13:31

guitargirl it is very unusual for a hospital to leave doors open even at visiting times this is a huge security issue, at all the places I have worked the visitors have to buzz to get in and say who they are visiting

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