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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be suspicious of my DH

141 replies

twattingtwattytwatster · 17/04/2019 22:41

On Saturday my DH fell asleep with his phone on, I tried to shut it down and the tab for WhatsApp was opened, it’s password protected so I couldn’t get into it, but the last messages he sent that night were to let’s call him Bob Smith, now Bob has a cute fluffy dog as his profile pic and the last message sent to him contained a kiss emoji.

I’m not naive, you don’t message random blokes and use the kiss emoji unless you are gay or actually messaging a woman whose name you have changed.

I’ve just asked DH about it, I finally got him to admit it’s a woman, but he won’t tell me who she is, why he’s sending her kiss emojis or why she is hidden under a mans name. He said it’s nothing...my fucking arse!!

He had a five month affair ten years ago so I know perfectly well what he’s capable of. For the past two years he has treated me like shit, told me I’m not good enough for him because I won’t wear lipstick to pop to the shop, accused me of disrespecting him because I wanted to buy some Doc boots and told me he has women coming on to him all the time and because I don’t give him enough sex he’s going to take them up on their offers.

His absolute classic had to be six months ago when I was waiting for biopsy results after having a tumour removed from my eye and he told me ‘if you were a good wife, I’d be on my knees in tears at what your going through...but I’m not’.

So given he is a total an utter cunt, am I being unreasonable to think there is something going on with the emoji woman.

OP posts:
twattingtwattytwatster · 18/04/2019 12:38

Sorry for the delay in coming back, I’ve had a little wallow in self pity this morning, but fuck that I’m back! In answer to some of your questions, if we were to rent the house out, we would get less than half of the mortgage so that’s not really an option. I’ve stayed for so long because life sort of swept me along...children, terminally ill Dad and then random eye tumour. I have to hold everything together for everyone else and somehow I’ve got lost.

So leaving plan it is, he’s going away next week so I have eight days of peace where I can get off my arse and actually do something.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 18/04/2019 13:08

It’s so easy just to go along with day to day life. And then poof. Ten years is gone and you’ve mainly been unhappy. Not miserable but not happy.

If you’d have got rid 10 years ago you’re life would probably be much happier

Don’t sit around and be thinking the same in another 10 years

Justaboy · 18/04/2019 13:09

So leaving plan it is, he’s going away next week so I have eight days of peace where I can get off my arse and actually do something.

Right, can I suggest a something that will help to get you out of this mess and thats to ask your friends of are there any good Solicitiors around as thats what you need right now.

As there are still dependant children around their needs and provision are important. I think you may well have a good case there even if neg equity is around if he's earning then he can pay for their upkeep.

Also he'll be asked if he has any other hidden assets that you may not know of if he fails to come clean with the courts then he'll be in serious shit but keep a cool level head about you.

Moorfields · 18/04/2019 15:41

O.k. just read your update, here's what you need to do next week:

*Photocopy all his wage slips, bank statements, savings, mortgage & insurance details & hide them.

*photocopy & hide birth certificates & passports for you & your kids. Maybe with a trusted friend or family member.

*Book & see a solicitor re divorce, custody & maintenance. Take copies of your husband's documents to show the solicitor.

  • keep any nasty texts or emails he's sent you. Print them to show solicitor.

  • speak to women's aid for advice
    www.womensaid.org.uk

Moorfields · 18/04/2019 15:43

Also delete your browser history on your laptop etc. Don't give him any clues about what you're planning.

Moorfields · 18/04/2019 15:50

Can you get an estate agent round to give you an actual valuation regarding property value & rental estimation. Best to have concrete figures rather than relying on guess work.

serenawren · 18/04/2019 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandAndSea · 18/04/2019 20:01

If you do get an estate agent round, be very careful. Ime, they are not the most discreet people - you will need to let them know only to contact you.

twattingtwattytwatster · 22/04/2019 14:18

Quick update, today I’ve found emoji woman, she’s probably twenty years younger than me, all fake eyelashes and angular eyebrows. She possess a smashing cleavage and is probably a foot or so taller than me, not to mention the glossy locks which are coiffured to within an inch of her life. All his Christmases must have come at once, I am short, flat chested, I have unruly curly hair and eyebrows that can only be described as pubebrows. She also knows/knew he is married which makes her as much of a twat as he is. He’s adamant that nothing went on, it was only a few messages...so my question is you marvellous nest of vipers, do I message her myself and ask her what the fucking he’ll she’s been up to with my husband.

OP posts:
OrdinaryGirl · 22/04/2019 14:26

Nooooo don't message her! It's beneath you and you have too much to do in starting on the first step to a lovely new life which WILL be yours eventually once you get out range from this total horror show of a husband.
Focus on YOU, you marvellous creature! You sound like you have a plan to make a proper plan to get out. We are all here waving our pom-poms for you. 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️👯‍♀️👯‍♀️👯‍♀️

iano · 22/04/2019 14:26

It really doesn't matter why and what she did.
Keep your cards close to your chest and get things in order and lined up for you to leave. Don't tip him off in any way.

Chilver · 22/04/2019 14:27

Nope, leave her alone, she's welcome to him. Carry on with your leaving plan and grt the hell out of dodge!

snowqu33n · 22/04/2019 15:00

If she’s that amazing I would be double-checking the finances because that type don’t come cheap.
You need to focus on YOUR future independence and don’t look back for a second. Get going and keep going. It may be tough for a year or two but you have already toughed out plenty so you have got this.

ConfCall · 22/04/2019 15:03

I don’t think that this would be a wise move, strategically.

RSAcre · 22/04/2019 16:17

Your charming man lost me at the point "accused me of disrespecting him because I wanted to buy some Doc boots"

Why haven't you already left him?
Also, why do you give a fuck if he's shagging Bob Smith?
He really is a prize cunt. The biopsy comment is so shocking. Why did you stay after that? You know he's not going to change, don't you?

Please get in touch with Woman's Aid to ensure you have the support you need while you plan how your are going to lose this jerk.

Shrewbie · 22/04/2019 16:19

Why have you not divorced?!?!

QueenBeex · 22/04/2019 16:21

but he won’t tell me who she is, why he’s sending her kiss emojis or why she is hidden under a mans name. He said it’s nothing

That's way too secretive for me personally. Leave.

QueenBeex · 22/04/2019 16:23

Just read the update.

Honestly op I don't think it matters what she looks like, I think he would of went with anyone, sounds like he just cannot be faithful. Move on without him.

BananaFace5 · 22/04/2019 16:30

Personally Id leave her to him, he's an ahole and she is just as bad, theyre a perfect couple. Id rather be on welfare than stay with that twat tbh, walk away and have a clean slate, work myself back up again with my head held high

SunshineCake · 22/04/2019 16:50

Would you want to be asked over and over why you've not left your husband ? Leave her alone.

Good luck OP. You've got so much more going for you than this idiot you're currently married too.

Babooshkar · 22/04/2019 16:59

Hate to coin a mumsnet phrase, but it’s deffo time to get your ducks in a row. Pack his shite, change the locks and boot the slimy cunt out.

Thetruthwillout80 · 22/04/2019 17:17

Why do you stay. Are you frightened of being lonely?

Queenunikitty · 22/04/2019 17:19

She may well be a working girl so don’t bother messaging her. Just thrown him out and be done with it. He isn’t worth your emotional energy.

Aria999 · 22/04/2019 20:56

OP, just seen the update. Sounds like you're still a much more attractive person than she is!

You said you were thinking of LTB. Are you still? Why do you care what DH is doing if you don't really like him or want to be with him?

I would have said she's welcome to him but it sounds like you're not quite there yet.

Emily1091 · 22/04/2019 23:34

Get shut of him! That last one really is disgusting!! I wouldn’t bother competing with other women for him because what’s the win really?

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