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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this colleague is a knob and to tell her to wind her neck in

129 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 17/04/2019 21:31

I work in a small team so maybe she’s getting on my tits cause there’s nowhere to deflect it to but....

I’m a vegan, I’m not a preachy one, my DP eats meat my lodger eats meat my sister eats meat. I don’t care, I’ll get proper milk in when I’ve got people round, I just choose not to eat it. and it went unnoticed at work until someone arranged a work meal and I had to mention it.
My.fucking.god. You’d think I’d mentioned I only eat live puppies to one woman. She doesn’t like me much anyway but this has weirdly been something for her to sink her claws in about. Everything I do is fussy/something she whinges about, asking for a black coffee on the brew round gets an eye roll, having an apple as a snack “oh that would never fill me,” offered her a slice of toast from the bread I brought in “oh no I bet vegan bread is disgusting” couldn’t be bothered with the argument that most bread is vegan so left it.
Today she had a massive go at me after I perfectly politely turned down a chocolate biscuit she offered me, going on about how I’m being pathetic, I should just eat it it’s not like cows die to make milk. Decided to not mention the problems of the dairy industry and just politely say “no thank you” again.

She also has recently taking to deciding everything I eat is SO unhealthy and having a go about me about everything because I need chicken...
WIBU to tell her I’m not taking diet advice from someone who eats pot noodle and share size bags of crisps for lunch and to wind her fucking neck in?

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 18/04/2019 08:59

She is bullying you. Which means you have two main options -

  1. Report her to management with a log of events and ask for it to be investigated under their bullying&harassment policy or similar;

  2. Stand up to the miserable bitch. Wait until she makes a comment in front of people. Point out that her comments are just making her look petty and unprofessional and you could not care less what someone you don’t like or respect has to say on the topic. Cold, hard stare and show her you won’t tolerate it anymore.

Or secret option 3. Wee in her coffee. Grin

runningintotime · 18/04/2019 10:06

She sounds like a nightmare! Haven't RTFT, but I didn't understand this sentence in your OP:

having a go about me about everything because I need chicken...

Do you mean you eat chicken and she is therefore saying you are not a real vegan? Or was it a typo? Confused

intensiveeveline · 18/04/2019 10:20

Definitely bullying you.

M4J4 · 18/04/2019 10:37

I would send her an email to say that you find her comments about your eating choices very upsetting and that if they don’t stop you will speak to your manager.

And if she still does it, file a grievance with HR.

Don’t make comments about what she eats or her weight, because you can bet your arse she’ll be on to HR the minute you say something. She’s the type who can dish out but she will not take it. I know someone similar.

intensiveeveline · 18/04/2019 10:41

having a go about me about everything because I need chicken...

Also confused by this. Did you mean because you "seem chicken" - as in she thinks she can bully you without repercussions?

CoisNaFarraige · 18/04/2019 10:44

YANBU I"m not even a vegetarian but the abuse vegans get is astonishing imo.

It is cognitive dissonance I suppose.

missteddy · 18/04/2019 10:45

Yanbu I think some people are actually offended when people have strong morals, it probably makes her feel bad about all the crisps and pot noodles and she takes it out on you!
I could never be vegan but I admire those like yourself that are and don't preach about it to everyone.
I'd like to go veggie but I'm so weak and I'm not sure I could handle the grief I'd get about it from everyone I know! Haha one day I'll be brave enough!

thecatsthecats · 18/04/2019 10:45

RosamundDarnley

Similar thing happened with me about the annoying cow who just can't accept that I haven't changed my name on marriage.

Her: "So what's your name now?" (after the wedding)
Me: "Oh, I'm not changing actually."

Another day.

Her: "What would you name be if you changed then?"
Me "Just TheCats HisSurname."
Her: "Oh, that would be nice. Are you sure you don't want to?"
Me: "Not as nice as TheCats MySurname. Nope, not changing."

Another day.

Her: "You haven't changed, have you?"
Me: "Nopitty Nope Nope No."
Her: "You could double barrell"
Me (losing it now): "That certainly is one of the available options. One that my husband and I talked about before we married. I'm not changing it."
Her: "Oh well, you know your own mind."
Colleague, who's been sitting rolloing his eyes at me through all these stupid exchanges: "Yeah, I[m pretty sure she does."

And later...

Her: "Oh, I think it's perfectly good not to change your name these days."

Well thanks for the fucking vote of approval.

M4J4 · 18/04/2019 12:16

having a go about me about everything because I need chicken...

Also confused by this. Did you mean because you "seem chicken" - as in she thinks she can bully you without repercussions?

I suspect 'don't eat' chicken got auto-corrected to 'need' chicken.

kateandme · 18/04/2019 12:23

LordWheresMyShoes this

AnnieMay100 · 18/04/2019 13:06

She’s no better than a fat shamer for commenting on your food choices. I’d be saying similar back to everything she eats when she picks at what you’re eating. ‘Did you know pot noodles are high in calories hardly worth being obese for’ I have a vegan colleague who brags about it at every given moment so we do what we can to avoid bringing it up. Do you have hr you can speak to about this?

downthestrada · 18/04/2019 13:12

OP, you have my sympathies. I would keep it simple and try not to be drawn into making nasty comments about her.

Just simply pointing out that she’s always commenting on your choices might help. Let her know that you’re aware of the frequency of it. If she continues, then you can go to HR.

KickAssAngel · 18/04/2019 13:16

Try no to lose it and shout 'shut up' at her.

Tell her once, clearly & firmly, something like "I feel angry and upset by your comments. What I eat has no effect on you and I need to be able to work without constant criticism of my personal choices. I don't want to hear another comment from you about my food, exercise or any aspect of my personal life. I will make a formal complaint about your behaviour if this continues."

Don't sugar coat. Be blunt but not rude. Don't give her another chance. Even if it's a week before she pipes up again, go to whoever you need to about reporting bullying in the workplace. Quite frankly, someone else should have stepped in by now, as they're allowing a toxic environment to develop.

KickAssAngel · 18/04/2019 13:18

I think the "need chicken" comment is the other worker telling OP that she needs (to eat) chicken. e.g "You're so skinny and unhealthy. You need chicken to make you look better."

BiscuitDrama · 18/04/2019 13:30

I read it that way too.

intensiveeveline · 18/04/2019 13:35

"You're so skinny and unhealthy. You need chicken to make you look better."

Chicken seems so specific. Why not meat in general? Mind you, the colleague sounds illogical at best anyway...

5LeafClover · 18/04/2019 13:36

She would do love for you to join in with a snappy comment back. Don't give her the satisfaction.

  1. Where her sentence has an 'I think' in it have a stock set of close down comments e.g

Her: an apple wouldn't fill me up/ i think vegan bread is horrible
You: Good to know/ thanks for clarifying that one/ well, ummm, ok/ thanks for sharing/ fascinating perspective etc

  1. When what she says has a you in it...then refuse to engage
her: you are too fussy/should eat chicken/ You: I'm perfectly happy as I am, thanks.
  1. When its negative commentary to the group, you need to make a stop comment, straight away, and loud enough for everyone to hear.

She sounds flipping tedious.

LordWheresMyShoes · 18/04/2019 18:25

Am I the only person who thinks they understood the statement "having a go at me about everything because I need chicken..."...?

I presume it means the gobshite colleague is having a go at OP about her food choices including telling her she needs to eat chicken [because vegans "don't get enough protein"].

Graphista · 18/04/2019 18:39

I had this with a bullying colleague almost 20 years ago.

It wasn't the only issue but it's what it started with as the office we were in had a tradition of bacon butties on a fri afternoon from the nearby greasy spoon. All I did was ask for a fried egg one instead as I'm veggie (free range eggs too I'd checked)

She then kept trying to "catch me out" "isn't that belt leather?" No "those sweets you're eating have gelatine in" no they don't I checked "but you eat eggs" yes vegetarians eat eggs.

From there it escalated, she then found out certain things about me (this was pre sm people barely had internet so how the hell she found these out I dread to think!) like the religion I'd been raised in, that I was of Irish descent etc and started making some really nasty sectarian comments, then she got really personal as she somehow found out then husband and I were considering ttc and made some comments about I'd need to become more attractive & "less uptight" first so he'd want to have sex!

She was very careful not to make the worst comments in front of anyone else.

It all got me very low I reported the issues to our boss (who was her drinking buddy and encouraged "banter" as its now called) who handled it very poorly and to my shame I didn't take it higher and instead quit just to get away!

I moved to a different part of the organisation well away from her and that boss but she then took it too far with another victim, was unaware that boss's boss was nearby and overheard and ended up sacked!

Boss was disciplined too because as it turned out she was doing this to most colleagues and the boss had received numerous complaints which had been basically not dealt with. How the boss didn't get sacked I don't know.

Horrible time and I wish I'd stood up for myself better but that can be bloody hard to do.

Even after I left there were some odd incidents which suggest she was following/watching me (she lived in next street too), at first I thought I was being paranoid but my then husband and closest friend also noticed she seemed to just always be around and in places she basically had no reason to be in - all very weird!

If I came across someone like that now I hope I would have the strength and sense to make an official complaint and to recognise them for the nasty bullying gits they are!

Definitely consider having a word but I would say to protect yourself keep it calm, assertive and unapologetic but public!

Maybe

"I would appreciate it if you don't make unwarranted and unsolicited comments on my life/dietary choices. I don't comment on other peoples. It's unnecessarily critical" other mners may have better suggestions but I would avoid being passive or in any way apologetic, you've done nothing wrong.

If she does it again, you can basically repeat that but add if she doesn't quit you'll have no choice but to report the issue.

Then if she still continues after you've made it clear and others know this too then you're in a stronger position to take it further.

Fun though the suggestions are I wouldn't stoop to her level as you then lose any leverage. If she's the only one that's said anything out of order you're in a better position to complain about her if it becomes necessary. If you say anything out of turn to her she can then use that against you.

"She’s the type who can dish out but she will not take it." Totally agree. The second you step out of line she'll use it against you.

The fat shaming crap pisses me off, I'm fat I know why and I know it's my own fault. My dd is very very slim, largely to do with her disability, which is invisible, yet she often gets appallingly derogatory comments about her figure, mainly from strangers and all over things like sm there's nonsense like "real women have curves" (I'll lay odds this woman shares this kind of bullshit!)

No! Real women have a wide variety of different body shapes and sizes THAT is what should be acknowledged/celebrated. Being either end of the spectrum because of eating too much or not enough is unhealthy of course, but shaming people for their figures is known to be counterproductive.

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2019 18:57

i would absolitely report her.

and comment on everything she eats...

wow youve got such great determination! id never be able to eat that much food in one go!

i love how you can eat such a large bag of crisps. id just get anxiety about the heath of my heart!

Gosh i love how easy your lunches must be to prepare.

or...

nobody asked you, fatty.

Yabbers · 18/04/2019 21:24

i would absolitely report her.

To whom? You mean like going to tell teacher?

nobody asked you, fatty.

I’m sure that would be entirely uncalled for.

intensiveeveline · 19/04/2019 10:07

Boss was disciplined too because as it turned out she was doing this to most colleagues and the boss had received numerous complaints which had been basically not dealt with. How the boss didn't get sacked I don't know

I've never worked anywhere where I have seen a manager deal effectively with a bully. The victims invariably leave and the staff turnover is high.

LimeKiwi · 19/04/2019 12:09

Yep, take in a pack of Oreos or something similar, I would.
Watch her mind explode lol

Weezol · 19/04/2019 13:05

'That's nice. Do you also have an opinion on the poor placement of artillery at the siege of Mafeking too?' or variations are my go to with people like this. I have been underweight for years (Crohn's) and the amount of people who feel they must comment on my food intake is incredible. A special shout out to the complete strangers in restaurants and cafés who like to tell me I should 'get that plate cleared' and advise me to order double dessert.

It's harder with colleagues, but if you don't want to pursue this with HR, I'd be inclined to either have a quiet word or openly ask her the nutritional value of her own lunch - answer her comments/queries with one of your own.
Take a massive interest, ask her why she chooses it and how it benefits her. When I've done this the 'problem' person has changed the subject pretty quickly to last night's telly or weekend plans.

Graphista · 19/04/2019 14:58

"I've never worked anywhere where I have seen a manager deal effectively with a bully. The victims invariably leave and the staff turnover is high." That's been my experience too but this office was particularly bad.

The high staff turnover could be explained away due to most employees were army wives and young married mum's who left when having their children.

But I understand once the situation was better known the boss had a closer eye kept on her in terms of recruitment and resignations.

But yea I've worked loads of places due to moving around a lot myself and most places are pretty crap at dealing with bullying in the workplace. It's a big part of why I left my last job too - the difficulty there was it was the boss who was the bully! That's a whole other thread in itself!