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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have no funeral arrangements

118 replies

NG68 · 16/04/2019 20:59

PIL have no funeral plans and I fear that this will cause problems for me and DW later on.

They have no money and do not own their house. They're both retired so that situation isn't going to change. BIL never has any money either so it will all come back to us.

Me and DW have discussed this situation a few times and it's not really a conversation you like to have. She has talked to them as well but they don't seem to care. Last year they acquired a decent sum of money that could've taken care of this. They said they were going to put something in place but they didn't and the money has gone. I find them quite selfish to be honest. I couldn't imagine putting our DS in this position when we are older and we will make sure that never happens. They won't sign up to any plan because they say they can't afford the monthly payments.

That day will obviously come when one of them dies and we probably won't have the funds available to afford a funeral. I've told my DW that we shouldn't be getting into debt to fund anything and although she agrees now, I don't know how she will feel at that time.

It's unlikely they'll both die at the same time so one of them is going to be in a situation where they've got to make the arrangements and we're going to have to tell them we're not paying.

They've never really had any money but they did last year and could have sorted this last year but chose not to.

AIBU to refuse to pay for my PIL funerals when they've made no effort to arrange something themselves? What are we supposed to do? Take out a loan to pay for one funeral and then do the same again when the other one dies?

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 16/04/2019 21:00

Absolutely not!

RupertStJohnPoo · 16/04/2019 21:00
Biscuit
TitianaTitsling · 16/04/2019 21:01

Why the biscuit?

NoSauce · 16/04/2019 21:01

There’s some strange threads on here today.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 16/04/2019 21:03

The council will do a paupers funeral .

Or you could do a little Michael Parkinson policy to cover it.

Purplejay · 16/04/2019 21:03

Most people don’t have a funeral
plan. Do they have anything which could be sold to fund it? Maybe a car?

CloudRusting · 16/04/2019 21:08

I can see why this is a concern. People badly under estimate how much funerals cost.

If there are no assets and nobody will pay then the council can be forced but they will often resist and you will get no choice on anything.

If I die I would like “straight to crem” which is a lot cheaper, with a church service without my body.

I can understand why you want to look at it now as when a parent has died it is hard to be ruthless about costs.

Grandadwasthatyou · 16/04/2019 21:11

I would hate to think that my dc would have to struggle to fund my funeral when they'll be dealing with so much emotion as well so I have set aside an amount of money. ( a long time off I hope). It's a topic nobody likes to discuss but makes it so much easier for those left behind. And I speak with experience.
A friend's mother recently died and sadly her remains had to lie in the mortuary for several weeks while the family struggled to get the money together for her funeral.

BrokenWing · 16/04/2019 21:13

None of our grandparents or parents had funeral plans and I didnt expect or think they would. The council will pay for a simple cremation with no service of there are no funds in the estate and no family willing to pay. If you or your wife want a service you need to pay for it.

Floralnomad · 16/04/2019 21:13

Well if you think it’s going to be down to you why not take out a minimum funeral plan for them now . We recently lost my mum and the undertaker we used offered funerals from £1995 all in - we didn’t have one so I’m not sure what you get .

Cryalot2 · 16/04/2019 21:14

Most people here don't have such. The cost tends to come out of their estate.
You could speak to a local undertaker who could advise best .
There is always a possibility of discussing funerals and saying how important it is for them to choose the sort of send off which might lead to them putting something away.
Don't take out a loan .

LL83 · 16/04/2019 21:15

Your PIL are being disorganised. You can foresee this. Why not save now? Your wife will be the one who suffers if you don't, your marriage will also so suffer as if you refuse/grudge paying while she is grieving it appears very cold.

Can you take out a plan in their name? To save your wife and children the hurt/drama later. Yes it is PIL fault, but wont be them who suffer.

Twickerhun · 16/04/2019 21:16

My parents and grandparents didn’t have funeral plans. We paid because we wanted to say goodbye to them.

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2019 21:17

I dont think either they or you are being unreasonable. If they don't have much money I can see why they wouldn't want to waste what they do have on a funeral. I also see no reason why you should pick up the tab. They can have the council special when they go.

Flyingaddict · 16/04/2019 21:22

I have my funeral planned, with my wishes written to the letter.
I don’t know anyone else who has, not even my own parents.
You can get a very basic cremation, no service or anything afterwards.
My estate will pay for mine. I don’t want a lot of money spent on it and I don’t want loved ones in a time of grief having to guess what I would have wanted. Pardon the pun but people bury their heads in the sand when it comes to things like this.

frippit · 16/04/2019 21:25

If they have a low income and very little savings then if one of them dies the other can apply for a funeral grant. This covers the cost of a basic funeral from some funeral companies. You have to shop around to get the cheapest one which is hard to do when you are upset.
I had a simliar situation in my family and I did a bit of research before anyone died. It felt a bit mercenary somehow but I found out about the funeral grant and that some funeral providers offer a basic package that is covered by the grant. It put my mind at rest as we would have struggled financially trying to cover costs ourselves.

whittingtonmum · 16/04/2019 21:27

I think it is a bit harsh to expect PILs who clearly have very little to pay for their own funeral. They will be dead and might not care what happens after they are gone. In their shoes I might also want to spend what little I have while I am still alive for a little bit of comfort. You don't have to get yourselves into debt if they pass away though. When the time comes just accept this obviously difficult situation and accept that it was their choice.

oneforthepain · 16/04/2019 21:33

If they've never really had money except as a one off last year, then I can see why they wouldn't have wanted to waste it on their own funerals rather than living their lives. That's pretty selfish of you to expect otherwise. "You can't enjoy the life you have now, because it will make your death inconvenient for me."

It's not relevant whether or not you will take out a plan for yourself (have you already?) they still don't have to and it doesn't make them selfish.

Dyrne · 16/04/2019 21:34

Agree with PP that people tend to underestimate the cost of funerals. I remember being surprised at the cost of my grandfather’s; and we went decidedly “no frills”.

Have they really got absolutely no money whatsoever? Maybe gently explain to them that even a very simple funeral will cost in the region of £2-3K by the time you factor in transport and cremation costs.

Iloveacurry · 16/04/2019 21:35

Quick question, if it was your parents, what would you do?

Original poster
NG68 · 16/04/2019 21:39

My parents own their house and have some money so it's not the same. But if it were I'd feel the same.

OP posts:
IvysMum12 · 16/04/2019 21:57

Would they consider donating their bodies to Medical Research?
This could benefit many people, including the training of young doctors.
There would be no funeral costs at all.

CripsSandwiches · 16/04/2019 22:00

I can understand them wanting to enjoy the money they have while they're still alive to be honest - the funeral isn't really for their benefit.

Chanandlersbong · 16/04/2019 22:02

I think you have a decent point OP. I think these days with the rising cost of funerals every parent should aim to have one if they can afford to. We sadly lost my DM suddenly and unexpectedly earlier this year. She had done a funeral plan. She was on benefits due to illness but still managed to do it. DH and I could have covered the cost no problem but DSis's wouldn't have been able. It made a sad time a little easier as we didn't have to worry about money so much and with it she'd sorted out what she'd like too. I admire her stoicism as she'd even picked out her own coffin! We still had to pay an amount as she hadn't completed her payments by the time she passed but her having it definitely helped. Me and DH are now in process of sorting one too to give our DC's peace of mind moneywise when the time comes.

Lungelady · 16/04/2019 22:05

A direct cremation is about £1000.
Irresponsible for adults not to think about their funeral. Mine is all sorted.