Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have no funeral arrangements

118 replies

NG68 · 16/04/2019 20:59

PIL have no funeral plans and I fear that this will cause problems for me and DW later on.

They have no money and do not own their house. They're both retired so that situation isn't going to change. BIL never has any money either so it will all come back to us.

Me and DW have discussed this situation a few times and it's not really a conversation you like to have. She has talked to them as well but they don't seem to care. Last year they acquired a decent sum of money that could've taken care of this. They said they were going to put something in place but they didn't and the money has gone. I find them quite selfish to be honest. I couldn't imagine putting our DS in this position when we are older and we will make sure that never happens. They won't sign up to any plan because they say they can't afford the monthly payments.

That day will obviously come when one of them dies and we probably won't have the funds available to afford a funeral. I've told my DW that we shouldn't be getting into debt to fund anything and although she agrees now, I don't know how she will feel at that time.

It's unlikely they'll both die at the same time so one of them is going to be in a situation where they've got to make the arrangements and we're going to have to tell them we're not paying.

They've never really had any money but they did last year and could have sorted this last year but chose not to.

AIBU to refuse to pay for my PIL funerals when they've made no effort to arrange something themselves? What are we supposed to do? Take out a loan to pay for one funeral and then do the same again when the other one dies?

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 16/04/2019 23:40

They don't have any money, and they never have. That's terribly sad. Why would the FIRST thing they put money toward be their damned funerals? How depressing! As they say, funerals are for the living. Why should they care about what happens to their bodies after they die if they have so little comfort for their bodies when they are alive?

youknowmedontyou · 17/04/2019 02:36

can understand them wanting to enjoy the money they have while they're still alive to be honest - the funeral isn't really for their benefit

So WTF does OP do about disposing of the body? It needs to be paid for! They can't just dig a hole in the garden.

Personally OP I think they're totally unreasonable!

BitOfFun · 17/04/2019 04:03

"...the rising cost of funerals"

Somebody has been watching too much daytime TV Grin

PregnantSea · 17/04/2019 06:58

It sounds like they don't care about this. In which case, just go for the council option. It's not cold if it's what they wanted.

LakieLady · 17/04/2019 07:35

Someone I know had a dreadful father (violent alcoholic, stabbed their mother). As his NoK, she and her brother were responsible for his funeral.

Her brother made a coffin out of MDF, which they transported from Sussex to Wales on the roof of his van. They had no service, no wake and the only bit that cost was the cremation fee, the transport from the mortuary to the crem, which was done in the "private ambulance" that undertakers use to collect bodies, and the £10 for the certificate that the body can be cremated (ie, no pacemaker fitted).

She said they wouldn't have bothered going, but they wanted to make sure he was dead.

megrichardson · 17/04/2019 07:44

@LakieLady sorry I know I shouldn't and of course it's dreadful but your post made me laugh - the thought of the brother making a DIY coffin!

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 07:49

Would they consider donating their bodies to Medical Research?
This could benefit many people, including the training of young doctors.
There would be no funeral costs at all.

This always comes up on funeral threads, but in reality they have really strict criteria and the chances of them both being accepted are tiny.

Plus depending on the medical facility you can get a call down the line letting you know they are done with the body and you get to sort the funeral then.

ivykaty44 · 17/04/2019 07:56

If the estate of the deceased cannot cover the funeral costs and there are no friends or family willing or able to arrange this, then the council will pay for a simple cremation ceremony, but no funeral service will be held

You are then releasing the body and there will not be a funeral or service of any kind. Op perhaps explain this to in-laws as unlikely they won’t die together. So how would they feel about this situation?

Rachie1973 · 17/04/2019 08:03

My parents are awfully rubbish with money. But I can’t imagine my DH turning to me whilst they’re still alive and advance warning me that ‘I’m not paying for the funerals’.

HBStowe · 17/04/2019 08:06

I understand your frustration but if you know the situation isn’t going to change, in your shoes I would pay for a funeral plan for them. It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to, but I would take that option a million times over than waiting for them to die and then having a miserable family fight over who pays for the funeral. They should have planned but they haven’t and if they won’t, all you can do is take steps now to protect yourself as much as possible from the fallout.

Widowodiw · 17/04/2019 08:11

You need to ask them
What they want though.
Perhaps they don’t want a funeral as such- I mean with all the cars and services etc. Ask them what their expectation is and go from there.

ivykaty44 · 17/04/2019 08:14

Rachie most people don’t have the conversation until the person dies, then in a rush the amounts tot up and before you know it £4K has been spent.

You don’t turn to your spouse and declare “I’m not paying for their funeral” you sit down and have a family conversation about it, talk about all the options and what you are all wanting to do and what you can afford to do.

Rachie1973 · 17/04/2019 08:17

I know they can be expensive. I’ve organised both my PIL in the last few years. They were forward thinking and all paid for.

I agree though. It’s got to be discussed. Not a unilateral ‘we’re not paying’

AuntieCJ · 17/04/2019 08:22

So who do you think should pay? I'm not sure I, as a taxpayer should.

They probably paid for their parents' funerals, so it falls to you to pay for theirs.

ginghamtablecloths · 17/04/2019 08:28

Many people don't have funeral plans as they either don't want to think about it or they have no preferences.
Mother and FIL didn't prepare as their deaths were sudden and in their mid-70s. The surviving spouse paid.

MIL's was paid for out of her 'estate'. Only my father's was pre-paid, again out of his money by sister/BIL who managed his money for him. None of these funerals were particularly OTT. Tell the funeral director you're on a tight budget.

nettie434 · 17/04/2019 08:28

It sounds like you have already recognised that your wife might feel differently when her parents actually die, NG68. There was a post earlier from frippit about claiming for a funeral grant and the stress of having to do this at a time of bereavement. You might not feel sad but it is likely the surviving partner will. It’s worth adding that funeral grants are harder to get now and don’t cover the full cost. Councils are paying for increasing numbers of ‘public health funerals’ and I think that if there are surviving family they have to explain why they can’t/won’t pay.

Your BIL and other family members are likely to criticise you if they don’t think you have done your best. You are right that your PIL should have given some thought to this but you may hurt your wife by being so adamant. In your position, I would do my best to try and save something for their funeral. Sorry if that is absolutely not possible.

On a lighter note, loved your post LakieLady. A friend of mine working in the NHS kept on having to contact a wife and daughter who would not remove their father from the hospital mortuary for similar reasons. Eventually they arrived and took him away in a van. Not sure what happened next.

ooooohbetty · 17/04/2019 08:32

I paid for my mums funeral partly on a credit card, partly from some cash she had left. She left no other money. I didn't resent paying for it. It was my mum and I loved her and miss her every day.

Lifeover · 17/04/2019 08:34

Really? Parents who brought up the person you presumably love so much, you have birth, changed her nappies, taught her to walk, to speak. Helped her through school, paid for food, clothing, etc. Who now struggle with money, finally got a bit and decided to do something to make their lives a bit easier or bring a bit of joy??? These are the people you are thinking you’re not spending a few thousand on as a final goodbye? Fuck me! Yes some one is selfish but it’s not your PIL.

rookiemere · 17/04/2019 08:46

Funerals are really expensive. We paid for the basic cremation service for BIL ( not married no DCs) and it cost more than £2k a few years ago. I've just checked and there is a real budget option for £1k but it involves doing a lot of the work yourself including transportation of the body, which I guess most folk would baulk at.

I don't think it's unreasonable that the OP would resent paying this when they aren't well off themselves. After all the person is dead, they won't be aware of what has happened. But in the case where its a DP and their spouse is still alive then why should the DCs pick up the tab.

PrimalLass · 17/04/2019 08:51

This is a useful thread. I really hate funerals and want absolutely no service etc - but a direct cremation then a walk on the beach to scatter my ashes sounds as ok as it could be.

Home77 · 17/04/2019 08:54

I have the same with my own parents. They expected me and my brother to pay towards my granny's funeral when I was 18 also. So I'm expecting the same. It's not easy and you have my sympathies. It is very frustrating.

smallereveryday · 17/04/2019 08:54

Nope, not bothered. Food for worms. Funeral grant or council paupers funeral.
Either way don't want to spend money on the dead. (Even myself)

Spiritinabody2 · 17/04/2019 09:07

I do think it's irresponsible to let the worry of funeral costs fall to family. Yes, there are many lowly paid people but taking out a Whole Life assurance policy when starting work is an extremely low cost way to provide for your own funeral costs.

My PIL didn't have Life Assurance but had an account they saved in throughout their lives for funeral costs. They were poor. My father had Life Assurance. My mother has pre-paid for her funeral despite being on Income Support.

Sometimes it is a matter of priorities. Death is something that everyone will experience and, if you can help family by removing the addirional financial burden on them at the time of your death, then why wouldn't you?

Hotpinkangel19 · 17/04/2019 09:11

Both of my parents died in 2017 - just 11 weeks apart. I was an only child and pregnant at the time. I hadn't really thought about funeral costs - let alone 2 so close together but all I can say is thank god my parents were so organised, or I have no idea how I would have coped.

ChiaraRimini · 17/04/2019 09:17

I'm amazed at the cost of funerals that people have paid. My DDad died a few years ago and it was only about £1500 for the undertaker who was recommended by the vicar-we didn't "shop around". Also they didn't even send the bill in for a couple of months afterwards, so you don't have to worry about paying immediately.
Headstones can be expensive but can't be put up immediately anyway so there is time to save.
I think my DMum got a bereavement payment of £2k as DDad didn't live to draw his pension, sadly.
If you are flat broke you can get an LA funeral as PP said.
Honestly OP I don't know why you are making such an issue of this while your PIL are still alive and in good health, are you just picking a fight for the hell of it?