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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have no funeral arrangements

118 replies

NG68 · 16/04/2019 20:59

PIL have no funeral plans and I fear that this will cause problems for me and DW later on.

They have no money and do not own their house. They're both retired so that situation isn't going to change. BIL never has any money either so it will all come back to us.

Me and DW have discussed this situation a few times and it's not really a conversation you like to have. She has talked to them as well but they don't seem to care. Last year they acquired a decent sum of money that could've taken care of this. They said they were going to put something in place but they didn't and the money has gone. I find them quite selfish to be honest. I couldn't imagine putting our DS in this position when we are older and we will make sure that never happens. They won't sign up to any plan because they say they can't afford the monthly payments.

That day will obviously come when one of them dies and we probably won't have the funds available to afford a funeral. I've told my DW that we shouldn't be getting into debt to fund anything and although she agrees now, I don't know how she will feel at that time.

It's unlikely they'll both die at the same time so one of them is going to be in a situation where they've got to make the arrangements and we're going to have to tell them we're not paying.

They've never really had any money but they did last year and could have sorted this last year but chose not to.

AIBU to refuse to pay for my PIL funerals when they've made no effort to arrange something themselves? What are we supposed to do? Take out a loan to pay for one funeral and then do the same again when the other one dies?

OP posts:
twinkletoedelephant · 17/04/2019 09:28

My aunt (was like a mum to me after my mum died) had hers planed for years. She had a box in the bottom of her wardrobe...inside was the funeral plan. Invite list including phone mumbers and addresses of friends. she had written her own obituary, included a poem and music CD she wanted playing and decided on where the wake was to be - with cash to pay for it.... I loved her so much for the effort she put in so we didn't have too worry about money or what she would have wanted.

nettie434 · 17/04/2019 09:39

Flowers hotpinkangel. That must have been so hard for you.

ivykaty44 · 17/04/2019 11:08

Many people don’t write a will, let alone talk about cremation or burial plans.

Thing is you need to shop around to get a good deal price yet people are vulnerable so often don’t

Tunnocks34 · 17/04/2019 11:13

Mil is the same. She has these ‘plans’ for a horse drawn carriage at her funeral and a massive send off. But she has no money, no life insurance, no funeral cover, council house so no money there either.

OH has tried to talk to her gently but she just shrugs and says ‘it will sort out’

SIL has no money at all so it will be expected of OH and I to pay for it all.

bingoitsadingo · 17/04/2019 11:32

Maybe they don't care? A funeral is for the living, not the dead. I wouldn't expect my parents to sacrifice anything whilst they were alive to save for a funeral. That sounds like absolute madness to me!

scaryteacher · 17/04/2019 11:49

My DM says we can pay it out of our inheritance from her!!

TheInvestigator · 17/04/2019 11:51

@scaryteacher

What's so wrong with that? That's normal!!

Funeral costs come out of the estate then you get the rest. Her will should say that but even if it doesn't, kids inheriting money would do that anyway.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 11:58

Funeral costs coming out of the estate before inheritance is pretty standard surely?

The costs vary so much between funeral directors it's shocking. We had to organise a funeral recently for a relative of DH's (MIL wasn't capable of it) and they had a part plan with a big national company. The difference in cost between them and another smaller company was almost 3k!! For the same thing with no frills. So many people default to big well known companies as well.

NoCauseRebel · 17/04/2019 12:04

Would they consider donating their bodies to Medical Research? I had a relative who did this years ago. So when he died there was no funeral etc, except that about four weeks later it transpired his body had actually been rejected and was returned to the family who then had to arrange a funeral after all.

longearedbat · 17/04/2019 12:13

It's not unheard of for parents to die close together. My mother died, and then six months later to the day we were cremating my father. The two funerals cost in excess of £9000 in total. Fortunately the cost came out of their estate. Speaking to people, couples who have been together a long time (61 years married for my parents) regularly die within weeks or months of each other. Very sad.
Op, if they won't put something in place, your only option would be to go for a paupers funeral if you don't want to, or can't, pay yourself.

scaryteacher · 17/04/2019 12:13

Theinvestigator That presumes we have the money to pay before probate is granted and the house is sold. As she wants a requiem mass with smells, bells and choir; fancies a wicker coffin, and wants to be cremated in a different county to her parish, plus for us to provide a suitable funeral tea at a fairly pricy hotel, then I will need to have at least £7k set aside to cover all contingencies.

She could pay for a funeral plan, but won't hear of doing so, even though she has the money to do it.

User59720gpwn82210 · 17/04/2019 12:17

Does no-one have Life assurance anymore? My policy, which was set up years ago, costs £1.44 per month which I no longer pay. It is now deemed to be a fully paid up policy as it is too expensive for the insurance company to collect. It will still pay out but I no longer have to pay in. It has kept up with costs so will more than cover the costs of a decent funeral and wake.

Fairylea · 17/04/2019 12:20

@scaryteacher if you say she has the money to pay for it (I’m guessing you mean savings / bank accounts) the bank will allow you to bill them directly for the funeral and they will pay the funds from the account. (I’ve literally just been through this three weeks ago). If there are no funds, then yes you have to borrow money to pay upfront and then these are repaid from the inheritance, which is fair enough. That’s what someone’s left over money is for after all...!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/04/2019 12:33

My Ils spent all their money on holidays and cars and made no arrangements for their futures. They both died owing lots of money. It was awful having to deal with it all - I ended up feeling angry as well as sad. I thought it was selfish to just leave DH with all this mess. Thankfully my dad helped us out loads and lent me money to deal with initial costs and helped me deal with all the people they owed money to. It's not fair to just leave it all to your kids to sort.

Whitney168 · 17/04/2019 12:50

@scaryteacher - funeral costs can usually be paid out of the estate and can be paid before probate is granted.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 17/04/2019 12:51

Not read the full thread but I would not take out a funeral plan. The issue is that you get sold something that you think covers everything, but they turn out to be quite basic and then your loved ones end up having to spend more if they have more than basic flowers, or an extra car or whatever. I actually think they are a bit of a scam.

Also, in many cases you don't have to pay for a funeral right away, you can pay out of the estate when you get it.

I told my mum not to bother with a funeral plan. She updated her will last year and said what music she would like played at it, and that's enough.

The point about donating bodies to medical research is a good one. My father had Parkinsons and it could have been so useful but only the person can choose before they die, I could not do it for him after death and I only found out after he died that it could have been an option. If I had a condition like that I would definitely donate my body.

louisvootin · 17/04/2019 12:55

paupers funeral thats a horrible term to use surely theres a more appropriate term to use one that isnt so degrading. after all not everyone can afford a funeral some people cant afford to feed and warm themselves and would never be called a pauper whilst alive so why call them that after they have deid. thats a horrible way yo say that.

huntinghighandlow · 17/04/2019 12:58

My Dad is the same. He's late 60s with not much income. He could easily afford a small monthly payment for a funeral plan but chooses not to. I said lightheartedly 'That'll cost me and DSis a fair bit' A few weeks later, he told me he has organised to donate his body to science! All I have to do is ring the hospital who will collect him and they will also arrange a service in their chapel. We get his ashes back when they've finished with him. He says it's for a good cause but we know he's just too tight to part with his money 😂

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 13:04

@huntinghighandlow I wouldn't count on the donation part. Places are really particular and if the person isn't the right age or dies in a way that means they can't be used for what they need at that time then the body will be rejected.

madderthenaboxofffrogs · 17/04/2019 13:06

Don't they have life insurance? I've just done a direct cremation for my mum, as she didn't want a funeral, cost £1450. Mum had insurance so that covered it.

You can get help from dwp if there's nothing in the estate to pay for it if on certain benefits.

You (or your partner) must get one or more of the following:
• Income Support
• income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance
• income-related Employment and Support Allowance
• Pension Credit
• Housing Benefit
• the disability or severe disability element of Working Tax Credit
• Child Tax Credit
• Universal Credit

scaryteacher · 17/04/2019 13:08

User Mum stopped her life assurance when she paid off her mortgage, as there was no need for it.

Whitney Fairylea It depends on how much she has left in the bank/ISAs when she dies, if she has had to have care etc. It just irks me that she says db and I can deal with and pay for it all.

I will be making sure that there is ring fenced money for ds to deal with both our funerals, depending on if we pop our clogs together or not. Why make it harder for your kids? As dh will retire this year, then we have to make sure money is ring fenced for her funeral, and who knows if db will still be working or retired when she dies.

madderthenaboxofffrogs · 17/04/2019 13:13

Longearedbat It's not unheard of for parents to die close together. My mother died, and then six months later to the day we were cremating my father. The two funerals cost in excess of £9000 in total. Fortunately the cost came out of their estate. Speaking to people, couples who have been together a long time (61 years married for my parents) regularly die within weeks or months of each other. Very sad.

Sadly this was true for me too, 62 years married and both died within 6 months off each other

nettie434 · 17/04/2019 13:18

paupers funeral thats a horrible term to use surely theres a more appropriate term to use one that isnt so degrading.

The official term now is public health funeral louisvootin because of the duty on the council to arrange burial or cremation for people who could not afford a funeral. In earlier times there was a lot of stigma about having one - hence all those insurance schemes mentioned by User59720.

youknowmedontyou · 17/04/2019 13:25

Not read the full thread but I would not take out a funeral plan. The issue is that you get sold something that you think covers everything, but they turn out to be quite basic and then your loved ones end up having to spend more if they have more than basic flowers, or an extra car or whatever. I actually think they are a bit of a scam.

Totally disagree, they come on various types, you deject at outset you pay for basic you get basic. I don't think any of them cover flowers.... not everyone had flowers that would be a ridiculous thing to cover. They cover cars, cemetery or cremation fees, that type of thing. If you want more than the hearse don't choose basic.

My brother had one of these, when he died it worked perfectly.
*
Also, in many cases you don't have to pay for a funeral right away, you can pay out of the estate when you get it.*

But the OPs PIL have no estate. Nothing to pay the bill.

Notonthestairs · 17/04/2019 14:00

I think it's a massive kindness to your family to make plans. Those plans might be donate me/council funeral/massive party but it should be set out somewhere and funds set up where needed. It's not about not caring what happens to you, it's all about putting the people you love first.

I imagine the Op is concerned that when the time comes the bereaved parent will want to mark the occasion and won't have the funds. When the second parent dies then the same amount will be needed - because who would want to treat their parents differently?

We've buried my mum (unexpected death, no plans and terrible family discussions made under stress) and my grandmother (anticipated death and plans in place but not paid for). It was very hard both times. I will aim to make life a bit easier for my family (a cheap and cheerful plan!!!).