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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL have no funeral arrangements

118 replies

NG68 · 16/04/2019 20:59

PIL have no funeral plans and I fear that this will cause problems for me and DW later on.

They have no money and do not own their house. They're both retired so that situation isn't going to change. BIL never has any money either so it will all come back to us.

Me and DW have discussed this situation a few times and it's not really a conversation you like to have. She has talked to them as well but they don't seem to care. Last year they acquired a decent sum of money that could've taken care of this. They said they were going to put something in place but they didn't and the money has gone. I find them quite selfish to be honest. I couldn't imagine putting our DS in this position when we are older and we will make sure that never happens. They won't sign up to any plan because they say they can't afford the monthly payments.

That day will obviously come when one of them dies and we probably won't have the funds available to afford a funeral. I've told my DW that we shouldn't be getting into debt to fund anything and although she agrees now, I don't know how she will feel at that time.

It's unlikely they'll both die at the same time so one of them is going to be in a situation where they've got to make the arrangements and we're going to have to tell them we're not paying.

They've never really had any money but they did last year and could have sorted this last year but chose not to.

AIBU to refuse to pay for my PIL funerals when they've made no effort to arrange something themselves? What are we supposed to do? Take out a loan to pay for one funeral and then do the same again when the other one dies?

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 16/04/2019 22:07

They don’t seem that bothered about their funerals. Why should you be then? I don’t really get the insistence. Let it be their choice.

Inapickle230 · 16/04/2019 22:08

I would never mention this to my elderly father, I know it’s the done thing on here but I find it really insensitive. The council will provide one if you can’t. I thing people should arrange things like this, and I know I’d leave enough to pay for mine but I wouldn’t bring it up.

martinidry · 16/04/2019 22:08

Dyrne, what is the point of explaining that funerals can cost upwards of £2k if the parents in law don't have the funds?
If they're happy to have a basic, council funded funeral and they're not expecting family to pay for it there's no problem. It's not your decision, NG68, it's theirs.

BarbarianMum · 16/04/2019 22:10

Why is it "irresponsible"? Maybe they have thought about it and decided it's not their problem because they'll be dead, or, if one does, that the survivor will deal with it when the time comes. It's only irresponsible if you care about what happens to your remains.

Davros · 16/04/2019 22:13

It isn't essential to have a funeral, you can do direct burial or cremation with no service. This is what we did when my not-D mum died. Even if someone has a plan, such as what music they like etc, you don't have to do it if they have not funded it. I know this isn't the answer for everyone as they want some sort of service, we didn't and it was fine

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 16/04/2019 22:27

PIL have paid for their funerals my DM doesn’t have a penny so there is no way she could possibly pay. No way could I afford to pay it either so it will be a case of applying to the council.

It is a bit mean to go on to your wife about how you aren’t going to be paying for her parents funerals. When the first one dies the remaining one will have to organise with the council and when the remaining one dies you sort it with the council.

Would they consider donating their bodies to Medical Research?

DGM wanted to donate her body to medical science- they declined. She was quite miffed. She is still alive btw. I imagine their strict criteria is to stop people dumping their relatives bodies with them instead of paying for a funeral.

sockatoe · 16/04/2019 22:28

You don't actually have to have a funeral. Apparently the thing to do is ring the crematorium to ask if they have a 9am slot (first of the day is usually free!!) which is not very expensive at all. No need for cars, coffins or egg sandwiches at all.

Dyrne · 16/04/2019 22:33

martinidry Yes, sorry, I didn’t explain myself very well. My thinking was more that if it’s explained to them that funerals are much more expensive than they may realise; they may we’ll agree that they’re happy to have the cheapest burial/cremation possible. (Pie for by a grant, if necessary).

That at least would alleviate some potential guilt from the children when the time comes.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 16/04/2019 22:41

If I die ...

CloudRusting, got to admire your optimism Grin

Fairylea · 16/04/2019 22:45

We had a direct cremation for my Mum. No service etc. Ashes returned to us to do our own private thing with. Cost £1300 through the co-op funeral people.

We paid for it ourselves on credit as mum didn’t have any money in her bank account or any savings. I think you can claim back costs from the government if they don’t have an estate etc, or something towards it anyway. In our case it wasn’t worth doing that as Mums house will be sold and they money will come to us anyway so we will use that to pay off what we borrowed.

I think people generally don’t realise how expensive funerals are. But it’s a funny thing to talk about whilst someone is alive!

AestheticPerfection · 16/04/2019 22:46

I think it's incredibly irresponsible and selfish not to at least have it in writing that you want a paupers burial, if not leave just the simplest of funeral plans.

I don't have anything planned but I'm also well aware that right now, if I went, there would be the means to send me off.

In fact, I might make plans to specify straight to the crem. Sounds good. I don't expect anyone to bother to see me off to why waste the money!

A note on the council/ paupers funerals - two friends of mine lost a friend who had no family to pay and none of the friends could afford to pay for it. Quite a few of them managed to turn up from various places to see their friend off but they were treated really rudely by the people doing the funeral and weren't allowed to say a few words or anything at all, and were herded out very quickly so they could get the next person in.

My friend was in bits about it.

Right, I'm going to see about making a will this week. This thread has got me thinking.

TheInvestigator · 16/04/2019 22:49

Funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living.

They don't care about it. You can have a family gathering and remember them and say some words without paying for a funeral and just have the bare minimum for the council. But if the family all want a funeral then you'd need to pay for it.

martinidry · 16/04/2019 23:02

Dyrne, it's my lack of understanding, not your inability to express yourself. Smile
Fiddlesticks GrinGrinGrinGrin

Sakura7 · 16/04/2019 23:05

No real advice OP but I have the same situation with my parents. No house and no savings, and no plans made, other than to tell us they want a burial. Where I live a funeral like that costs close to five figures if you don't have a plot already, and there's very little state support. It's shit, and a real worry.

mondaylisasmile · 16/04/2019 23:06

Op, if their estate cannot fund a funeral, and friends/relatives cannot or will not be able to cover it, it's simple - the local council will cover the cost of a very basic cremation (no service, no other services), that's it.

I'm sitting here agog at the previous poster that suggested you sell a car to cover your PIL funerals X2... What an idiotic suggestion, for something that their estate, financial planning or (last resort) local council would be expected to cover... You don't come into money then expect your adult daughter to sell her car to pay for your funeral, that's insane. Future generations should not be expected to bail out piss poor money management by parents for this entirely predictable, foreseeable cost.

If they don't like the Idea of a bargain basement pauper funeral... That's on them. They should have chosen alternative options with their estate.

mondaylisasmile · 16/04/2019 23:09

other than to tell us they want a burial. Where I live a funeral like that costs close to five figures the reality is then, that if they want it, they need to plan for it. Just because they want it doesn't mean it's likely to be realistic or doable.

Most people I know couldn't conjure up thousands for funeral costs at short notice, despite all the desire in the world to fulfill the deceased's wishes... It's moot what they want if the funds simply aren't secured.shrug

ivykaty44 · 16/04/2019 23:14

You can get a no frills no attendance funeral for about £1000 - just do that. If they aren’t worried then it’ll be fine

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/04/2019 23:16

They don’t seem that bothered about their funerals. Why should you be then? I don’t really get the insistence. Let it be their choice

I agree. They can have a direct cremation.

IShouldBeSoLurky · 16/04/2019 23:18

The funeral industry strikes me as the most exploitative racket ever. Dispose of the body appropriately then remember the person as you wish, whether that's a mention in church, a piss-up down the pub or egg sandwiches at home. The sooner more people stop buying into the nonsense of funeral plans and more relatives feel able to say, "Can't afford this so not doing it," the sooner the whole ridiculous, wasteful nonsense of coffins and flowers and hearses will stop. We are not in ancient Egypt ffs. If you want to remember someone and/or celebrate their life, you can do so without spending thousands of pounds.

bridgetreilly · 16/04/2019 23:22

To a PP, I don't think anyone was suggesting that the OP's wife sell her car. But if the PILs have a car, that might be sold to pay for a funeral as and when needed.

powershowerforanhour · 16/04/2019 23:24

I was buying groceries in the Co-op last week and chatting with the person on the till about the points- she said somebody had recently come with a couple of hundred pounds' worth of points on their card- he explained that he'd recently paid for a funeral via co-op. I think the co-op is an admirable organisation anyway and fair dues to them for making funerals eligible for points!

ivykaty44 · 16/04/2019 23:26

Direct funerals are a simple way of having a cremation without a funeral. The deceased is collected from the mortuary and then delivered back as ashes. At this time you can have a wake with the ashes in an urn instead of a coffin costing £1500

A good wake and a send of can be just as good with an urn of ashes

£1000 is still a lot of money, but cheaper than £4/5k for a full blown funeral

ivykaty44 · 16/04/2019 23:30

Ask your in-laws if they want to donate their body to medical science- then just have a wake

nojust · 16/04/2019 23:32

Yanbu. My Pils were always really bad with money, loads of debt - mainly caused by taking a LOT of holidays and no assets. When Fil died we ended up with a £5k bill. It's a bit difficult to tell your recently widowed mil that she can't have any flowers and to please ask the funeral director for the cheapest coffin they do. She applied for the grant, which was about £1k. DH and I are both on low salaries, we managed to scrape together £1k and dbil had to pay the rest. We are now saving a bit every month for the next one.

Davros · 16/04/2019 23:39

Someone up thread said this has reminded them to write a Will but a Will has nothing to do with funeral plans. Whatever someone says they want at their funeral, the living family do not have to follow it, it is not binding at all. My vile mother talked plenty about her funeral and particularly what music she wanted, we did none of it. The direct burial costs came out of her estate. My beloved Dad's funeral however was wonderful and moving.