To ask those who have high earning partners......

[Hollypies]

I’m shocked by the amount of women on MN with very high earning DP/DHs and I wonder, how did you meet and what is your life like? I can appreciate this is a little nosey, but after years of dating/being in relationships with men who are very low earners and with no ambitions in terms of their career....I’m very curious. I’ve always assumed that highly successful men/women usually mix with their own kind and meet an equally high earning spouse through their work or social circle... but thought it’d be interesting to ask!

We met at uni, both studying medicine. I now work 2 days a week whilst dh is a consultant. We have 2 dc, animals and a large house and garden in Cornwall which keeps me busy when not doing paid work. We spoke before marriage how we wanted to raise a family and with medicine, it was clear that one of us would have to reduce hours and job progress to do it the way we wished. No regrets at all!

I earned 10x what he did. We both have always worked full time. We met when I joined his choir when I was studying - post grad so I suppose the middle class choral singing thing was what meant we met up. I earned more eventually as I am a lawyer and his is an organist/teacher but many was never anythign we ever argued over as both had similar views - quite careful with it etc. and we always had joint accounts. When we met I was a student albeit with a good London job already in the bag and he was in that first year earning more than I was but we knew before we married I wuold earn more and agreed if either would have to give up career for babies it would be he. In the end we found childcare okay so both worked full time.

Polar the OP is asking for the experiences of people with high earning partners. Therefore the vast majority of the replies on this thread are likely to be from a self selecting group of those people, regardless of what percentage of mumsnetters are in the group overall.

When we met I was on 150k and he was on 125ish. I now am a SaHM and he makes about 200. We met at work. It means we could afford buckets of private intervention for our ASD son when he was small and pay for private school now that he's school age. We were able to choice an environment that suits him right down to the ground and he's thriving. We have a nice comfortable lifestyle but are on the poorer end of our friends.

But perhaps MissSue this thread says that many women are quite happy to trade career progression for being at home with their kids and it works well for their families as a team. Presumably no one is holding a gun to anyone’s head

The career development of women is far more nuanced and multi faceted than this. As previously mentioned it is not a level playing field to begin with.

@mbosnz, not jealous, pitying or judging. I'm not looking at the individual situations - for every SAHM someone will produce a SAHD.

It's the massive societal imbalance, the lack of a level playing field, right from the word go that sets women up, in countless subtle and not-so-subtle ways, to be the ones making those choices, and sometimes even steering the choice. Hence you get the high-earning DH and the PT/SAH partner being the normal.

However by the time I had my child, work weren’t flexible enough and my then husband was a high earner - sums it up and I think it's sad because that's another educated and capable woman who is making a 'choice' that a man doesn't really have to.

I haven't RTFT but from my perspective, with a high earning spouse (we both earn 6 figures but he out earns me by about 2 to one.) generally as your income increases, the amount of tax you pay increases (obviously) so by the time you subtract 45% in tax/NI, large mortgage fees, school fees, savings, holiday fund etc, it doesn't leave as much as you'd think. I have always worried about money despite never being short of it, even when growing up, I think I worry more about losing it and am quite frugal, I'm in H&M more than Gucci, let's say.
Also, we are probably among the least well off of our groups of friends and neighbours so there is an element of Keeping up with the Jones' at most salary levels, I imagine.

I am a professional too so was in the same category.

@CamillafromCobham

Exactly re tax! You get taxed so much over a certain amount that the actual take home pay isn’t as much as you’d imagine. So you’re not as far apart as your peers would like to believe!

These posts make me laugh. It’s statistically unlikely that 80% of MN users are high earners

Well no. But 80% of MN users haven’t replied to this thread. Just the minority who are high earners.

However by the time I had my child, work weren’t flexible enough and my then husband was a high earner - sums it up and I think it's sad because that's another educated and capable woman who is making a 'choice' that a man doesn't really have to.

^^ this completely. I am in this position. Although I get it’s a nice position to be in it feels like is only me who has to make that scarifice. Who knows what life holds and it worries me that I will miss out on salary rises and career progression. Our relationship is solid, but what if DH falls ill etc? Or heaven forbid we did divorce?

To the OP, it's assortative mating. You hang out with, and marry, people who are roughly the same demographic.

I was the high earner in our marriage, now he is. I'm frankly not that interested in working anymore, blessedly he likes it.

Well no. But 80% of MN users haven’t replied to this thread. Just the minority who are high earners

Absolutely

I wouldnt go on a thread asking for single mums to reply, or high earning women, or women whose husband earns minimum wage

As none of them apply to me

DH is a high earner – mid £100k plus returns on investment in the company which will vest over the years, probably about another 30k a year when it gets going with potential for occasional windfalls.

We met at law school (drunken night out through mutual friends); both from pretty lower middle class, non-wealthy backgrounds, state school (although grammar schools for us both) and decent unis.

But despite having 3 kids in close succession, I’ve managed to maintain my career. Not earning as much as DH but I work part time (and if I went back full time would be on about the same as him) and have been promoted recently so not stagnating. I’ll go back full time when the time is right – whether due to moving job or pushing on to the next level where I am

TBH we could probably have the same level of post-tax income if DH had stuck with the partnership route and I’d been a SAHM living in the home counties with probably overall less stress but I want to work and DH has been very supportive, taking a ‘lower’ paid (I know it’s not low!) but more flexible role so that there is space in our lives for both of us to work. We also spend ££££ on childcare and live in an £££££ but only okay house in a convenient location for our jobs to reduce commuting time and increase flexibility as much as possible.

We are happy if stressed at times, one old car, no carpets in some rooms, ancient bathroom, very few foreign holidays but some of this is choice as we are prioritising building up savings after mat leave and investing in DH’s company rather than spending all our income.

Looking forward to a drop in childcare costs when all the kids are at (state) school so that we can save more and give ourselves some more options in the future

I agree with whoever is laughing at these posts.

I think a lot of women on here make up a persona for Mumsnet to be married to high earning spouses, etc etc.

I work with a lot of people. I have never met anyone who earns as much as the women's husbands on Mumsnet.

It's entertaining to read the fantasies.

But those who reply may be bored stay at home wives that need fantasies to survive.

I am not a troll but this is my observation on here and may other 'how much do you earn' type threads

These posts make me laugh. It’s statistically unlikely that 80% of MN users are high earners

This. I agree whoever posted it!

@harajukubabe
Nobody but me and my husband (and his employer of course) know how much we both earn. I’m on mat leave. Hence my ability to post on Mumsnet.

I’m neither a high earner nor married to a high earner, but I’m still posting on here as it’s an interesting discussion 🤷‍♀️.

I earn in the hundreds of thousands - met Dp in a pub when I was 19, years later we are still together but our interests are vastly different. I've grown up around people with similar career aspirations and similar interests. He still has a very workshop mentality - that's what he did. Sometimes it's hard to be honest.

Good Lord. Why would anyone care enough to make shit like this up?!

You can work with a lot of people, but if you're not in a high paid profession, then, no, you're not going to meet the people who are making these kinds of money.

(My fantasy is so much less mundane than this, lol. . .)

I’m the high earning partner. we met in the office (big company). Husband doesn’t deal well with stress, so changed back to academia, i stayed in business. There is a big salary gap, but working at a university means he can stay at home if the kids are sick etc , so life is a lot easier!

Why would you not believe it?

Do all your friends disclose earnings.

No one in real life knows what my dh earns nor do I tell them. I don’t know there’s either??

We met at work, his leaving do. He earns in the 250k-500k range. I know lots of people who earn that kind of money. But that is because I know them all through work. Doesn't mean I think it is normal. Just that people mix with people like them.

I am a SAHM now to young kids. Life is very normal really. State school, two bed house, toddler groups etc. We have lots of holidays, although self catering now we have the kids. The main difference is that the capital is allowing us to take on a large property development project which will mean we will live somewhere large. Also means I get to keep using my brain.

I doubt I will go back to what he does/I used to do. I would prefer to set up my own business doing something. I didn't really like a lot of the people I worked with in my 20's (majority male) and getting the family work/life balance right would be tricky.

It depends on ages as well. When I started dating dh I was 19, and he was 24. He had been in the RN since he was 18, so well on his career path, whilst I was doing low grade civil service jobs. He has always outearned me, and quite frankly, I never wanted to go to sea in nuclear submarines like he did.

I knew that probably I'd be the one making the career sacrifices, as I was a Naval kid, so I'd grown up with the trade off.

In his current job you need to be have very specific experience in the defence sphere, which I will never have; nor have I the energy to work at the tempo he works at, or to do the back to back travelling and meetings he does.

I was fortunate in that his salary as a Naval Officer allowed me to go part time when ds was born, and to retrain as a teacher so that holidays were mostly covered, which offset the lower salary that I earned, as we didn't have to fork put for childcare in the holidays.

The current salary allows me to not work, we live abroad, and I do have a nice life.

I am a high earner working in a high paying STEM career. My husband is also a STEM professional. I earn upwards of 400k, husband is on something lower.
I meet a lot of high earners and also general earners in my professions as I oversee massive construction projects, working with lawyers, doctors, construction workers, highly skilled and low paid individuals.

I do not see salaries as described here and I am an anomaly who currently earns this much.