To ask those who have high earning partners......

[Hollypies]

I’m shocked by the amount of women on MN with very high earning DP/DHs and I wonder, how did you meet and what is your life like? I can appreciate this is a little nosey, but after years of dating/being in relationships with men who are very low earners and with no ambitions in terms of their career....I’m very curious. I’ve always assumed that highly successful men/women usually mix with their own kind and meet an equally high earning spouse through their work or social circle... but thought it’d be interesting to ask!

We were normal when we met at 23.. he has worked for his company for 25 years and is now a director .. I knew he was focused but never expected too much . Life is good , we have a son with sn though so not perfect but not worrying about money is good ..
I grew up with money so honestly I've never know much different although I looked for personality traits in a dh and would never date someone who showed signs of being bad with money.. basically because I find it very unattractive.

But I think that it is true that living the dream for many men means earning a lot of money. While for many women it is having a lovely life as a SAHM.

^ I don't think you can assume things like this.

DH is the caring, nurturing, broody one. I'm the driven, slightly ruthless, focused one.

I've never ever wanted to be a SAHM, it would be my idea of hell.

DH has never ever wanted to do anything but the job he does (personal trainer) irrespective of money because he loves it.

Meanwhile I'd do anything for £££.

windygallows. By saying that the SAHM life choices are depressing you are (IMO) contributing to the patriarchal and capitalist myth that only high paying roles outside the home are worthwhile or of value.

Sorry but whyohwhyowhydididoit are you saying it's a privilege to enable a man in a high paying role so in return he gives you money and freedom to do what you want in return. Hmmm.

Is that what we should be striving for? Being paid for by a man -- and the spoils of this lifestyle being called 'a privilege.' I sure hope not.

Haven't read the full thread, but enough to get me quite depressed at the repetitive "we started out earning the same, then his earnings outstripped mine, when we had DC we made a joint decision that I would stay at home..."

There's your gender/sex pay gap right there

But some women want to be at home; they enjoy being with their children and dislike the idea of childcare. I think it’s a valid choice. I had much more fun with my kids than I ever did at my reasonably successful job. And I raised really happy kids.

Why are we expected to be ashamed of that choice? DH treats me as a total equal, always has done. Every bank account we have is joint. Our company, which is built on his expertise, is owned 50/50 by us. Our children are all doing well in life; the older ones are making really sensible decisions about long term partners.

I’m 54, I’m comfortably retired with a close and loving family. I think my choices have worked out well.

If you want to be at the top of your game career wise then great. That’s how my best mate lives her life. She loves her job and the money and is happy to do it until she drops. But her very stressy life is not for me, not at all.

Of course you shouldn’t be ashamed of your choices tinkly just as women who choose to be career focussed shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed for those choices either.

Is that what we should be striving for? Being paid for by a man -- and the spoils of this lifestyle being called 'a privilege.' I sure hope not

The privilege isn’t the lifestyle. The privilege is the ability to make a choice, that’s what we should be striving for.

Teddybear45

@NotFatTransslender - software jobs tend to come and go in waves. The minute his job becomes unfashionable or can be done remotely by an offshore team he’ll struggle again

He’s been there for 20 years so far, so not really coming and going in waves so far! Athough his company is a software company, his role within it is very transferable so I think he’ll be fine, but thanks for your concern.

We met at the resort she worked at while I was on holiday. I couldn't do my job, couldn't have the family and family life without her support! We are extremely fortunate and made the decision together to live our lives this way.
We always have said the money is a tool to reach our goals - not the goal itself. The reality was my job was always going to offer a better grade of tool so she supported me in my career. Now that the kids are almost all off to uni she is thinking about what career she would like to have and I will support it/her.

we both earn six figures. we met in our thirties when we both had established careers and at the top of our game.

in my twenties i kissed my share of no hope frogs.

we never take our comfortable life for granted.

We met via OLD in our thirties also, second marriage for both of us. I do pretty well, but he has a rather senior postilion in IT management where the salaries are just higher. My first husband and his first wife were both lower earners, so it was a change for both of us. He's also very responsible with money.

I date men who made more than he does but never liked any of them enough to fancy a serious relationship with them, so it's not like his earnings was a deciding factor.

@TinklyLittleLaugh, absolutely not saying you should be ashamed of your choice to be a SAHM (although I would say that your experience of it, including ending up having a 50/50 share of your DH's company is probably not the norm)

But the fact that SO many women on this thread have had careers that have been easily eclipsed by their partners' careers, particularly when you add DC into the mix, says a lot about the career paths many women are choosing (that they don't offer the same progression as the ones men seem to choose), and the continued prevailing view that it's acceptable for this to be so. I just find it depressing - the choice to SAHM is not made in a vacuum, it's not a level playing field to begin with.

But perhaps MissSue this thread says that many women are quite happy to trade career progression for being at home with their kids and it works well for their families as a team. Presumably no one is holding a gun to anyone’s head.

says a lot about the career paths many women are choosing (that they don't offer the same progression as the ones men seem to choose), and the continued prevailing view that it's acceptable for this to be so.

You could look at it as women choosing the less lucrative careers or that careers which women traditionally tend to do are less well paid, even when they are highly skilled and require years of training.

I have to say that if our roles were reversed (I earn c.£200k, DH c£90k) I would choose to stay at home. DH chooses to work.

We met on the second day of university. Took a while to get rid of other partners, be single at the same time, but we had an instant connection, and were very good friends, before we got into a more intimate relationship.

He was doing a computer science degree, I was doing law, but stuffed that up, and completed a degree in history.

He's always worked in IT, I did admin and secretarial.

What's our life like? I'm a trailing spouse, his company relocated us to the UK - we had a choice of here, Denver, or Toronto. I'm currently a SAHP, settling our girls and ourselves into our new life and country. Once they're sorted, and I'm sufficiently bored, I'll go temping.

Was my dream to be a SAHP? No. But pragmatically, this is best for our family right now. And I do prioritise my family and my children over myself. I also know that DH understands and respects that, and appreciates it.

Definitely @CupOhTea, there's a lot of evidence that shows the work that is mostly done by women is undervalued. In the film Hidden Figures, the women were 'computers' - highly intelligent and educated mathematicians doing really important work on rocket trajectories etc. They were about the same as the secretaries status-wise. Then the IBM computer came along, the men got involved, it became all technical and turned into the male-dominated and much better paid IT sector. That we're now having to encourage girls to consider as a career....

Why people, particularly women, choose (or are directed to) the careers they do is hugely complex and something which that pay gap info is beginning to shine a light on and question. Which is a good thing IMO.

@TinklyLittleLaugh, I wonder how many men would really be 'quite happy to trade career progression for being at home with their kids and it works well for their families as a team' in order to facilitate their partner's career. It's not something that's expected of them in quite the same way though, is it? I find the thread depressing because of how easy and unchallenged it is in 2019 that this is still the norm.

says a lot about the career paths many women are choosing (that they don't offer the same progression as the ones men seem to choose)

I was a solicitor so fairly decent career progression. However by the time I had my child, work weren’t flexible enough and my then husband was a high earner because he ran his own business.

When we split he maintained me for 2 years to allow me to set up my business in acknowledgment for the support I gave him. I’m now on the path to being a lucrative earner in a career that wasn’t around when I started out

We met in a pub, he was a high earner then & I was a "mature" student. We complement each other v v well, we fell in love, got married, are having kids & ive decided not to return to work. Entirely my choice & I've been supported by my husband to do what is right for me.

During the years he has grown extremely successful in his field & I'm sure, will continue to do so. I do the lionshare of parenting, domestic chores however he is an equal player when he's not working. Our life works for us. We are lucky to not worry about paying for basics & live in a v safe area. But we both work v hard to achieve this. My husband credits us both with his work successes & I feel v valued in our family! Don't get me wrong, sometimes life is monotonous & tough but overall, i love being able to be a SAHP.

MissSue. I have a friend whose husband has done the SAHP role all their working lives. I’m sure he’s not the only one. But it seems to be something women want to do more than men. I earned more than my DH when we were young but it was me, not him, who really wanted to be at home with the baby.

Men and women are equal, but not necessarily the same.

These posts make me laugh. It’s statistically unlikely that 80% of MN users are high earners.

The average UK salary is £24k.

People earning 35 - 50k are in the top 10% of earners. People earning over £100k are in the top 1%.

DH would have been more than happy to be a SAHP. He certainly didn't 'expect' me to do so - in fact he supported me through doing a professional degree while pregnant and the children were young, that I did with a view to, and the hope, of having a career. For various reasons, that didn't happen. Life often gets in the way for many, if not most, people.

I find the only people that really seem to have a problem with me being a SAHP are other women. Some of them are jealous, some of them reek of condescending 'pity' or judgment.

I had a temp job at the firm he worked for. We were sat next to each other and became friends as we had a lot of shared interests. He asked if he could stay at my flat for the Christmas night out as it was central, I said okay. I went home for Christmas, came back and we had our first proper date after which without discussing it, he just moved in with me. Got a bit of a shock when I fell over his suitcase in my hall. Told me he knew he was going to marry me the second he laid eyes on me, it was just a matter of time. His confidence (arrogance) was attractive then and it still is 20 years later.

I'm a sahm (our youngest is 10 months) and he works in STEM but also has quite a lot of family money.

women were 'computers' - highly intelligent and educated mathematicians doing really important work on rocket trajectories etc. They were about the same as the secretaries status-wise. Then the IBM computer came along, the men got involved, it became all technical and turned into the male-dominated and much better paid IT sector. That we're now having to encourage girls to consider as a career....

And then women are blamed, sometimes by other women, for not making the ‘right’, (often meaning more masculine), career choices. It’s a bit tricky when this^^ sort of thing happens.

I was reading an article in one of the broadsheets a few weeks ago about one of the UK’s best (female) netball players and how poor she is. It compared her work and living conditions to the top (male) footballers and their families and it did make me angry. I read it and just thought, if finances and general comfort are the measure of success, technically I shouldn’t be encouraging my dd to work hard at school etc. I should be encouraging her to marry a footballer*! Work your arse off and be the best at something in the whole country and that’s the thanks you might get harrumph.

*I’m not going to!