...to think friend's daughter ought to take a taxi

[NotOnTheBench]

Been asked to take my friend's 20 Yr old daughter to work tomorrow. I've said yes as there's no real reason not to - except that I will have to drive across town in rush hour + then all the way back to my work on the opposite side of town, in order to fetch her + drop her off at her workplace.

She could afford a taxi so why doesn't she just use one? I'm doing this twice this week. I have been asked before + of course I do, but...

I know I'm doing it anyway but don't people use taxis at all these days?

I'm sorry, but coming all the way out to pick Xxx up is causing me quite an inconvenience, cost and time-wise - I can help out, if needed, in an emergency, but I can't do it on a regular basis any more

This is fine but leave out the bit about helping out in an emergency. You don't need to help out at all. Not your bloody problem. Have a read of the book "The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck". You'll soon learn to save your fucks for when you actually want to give them and not waste them on CF 'friends'.

You've said you'll do it this week, but next time just say something along the lines of what a previous poster suggested...

I'm sorry, but coming all the way out to pick Xxx up is causing me quite an inconvenience, cost and time-wise.

It's true and completely fair. Don't let yourself be taken for a mug. Practise saying no!

I don't know who's more bonkers. The mother for asking or the OP for saying yes!

How the hell is an extra half hour "on your way"?!

Incidentally if you check my OP I'm only doing it 2x this week. She does ask me every now + again if she can't take her, but still...

By doing it this week, you have probably made sure that she'll be more stroppy when you eventually refuse, because you've set the expectation that you will do it. Unreasonable, certainly, but that's how entitled people usually think. Instead of "OK, well thanks for the times when you have done it" the attitude will be "What the fuck? You've done it before and it wasn't a problem, so why are tou kicking up a fuss now?".

The sooner you refuse, the easier.

I don't know how far her journey is door to door but I walk 3 miles into work every day and I'm a lot older than this 20 year old. Seriously this needs to be called a halt to. There doesn't have to be a reason, just that it is out of your way. What a pair of CFs.

OP, you just need to stop and say no. It isn't a big deal to say no, and any friend that tries to guilt you, isn't a good friend!

Believe me your CF friend knows fill we that you live other side of town and have to go far out of your way to come collect her daughter and back before and after your working day. She -and her ADULT daughter- don't care! It saves them money and effort and they are happy to put that burden & effort onto you.

No reasonable friend would ask nor expect this !! You don't treat people badly for your own convenience. Why are you letting your friendship be warped into a "you give, they take (the piss)" situation? You're directly damaging your own friendships and worth, let alone your time wasted doing ridiculous unjustified regular favours, when you don't need to. Please value your time and friendship higher.

Let the adult woman (DD) sort herself out and catch the bus into work. This isn't even an emergency situation. Even if your friend's car isn't working, her DD can, and should, make her own way to work.
You don't benefit in any way from their pensions, their wages, or have any part in this. So just say no thanks.
That's the only thing that works with CFs. "Can you do...? We need you to...? (Our problem is your problem even though it's clearly not) " "No thanks"

I don't understand this at all. I used to live around the corner from someone at my office and we had a nice little system going where on the rare occasion someone couldn't get to work (car broke down, going straight to airport via taxi after work... IE very unusual circumstances) we would give the other a lift. If I needed a lift and she couldn't give me one then I got a taxi, got up at 4:30 for the 2 buses and a train to get there, or requested a work from home day. Why on earth she would even think to ask you is beyond me. It just wouldn't occur to me to ask someone who lives in a different area to me and works on the other side of town to give me a lift, especially if it isn't a one off emergency. It's ridiculous.

Yeah that's #notyourjob. You have better things to do with your time, like literally anything. Maybe you could ease them into the idea that you aren't always going to be available by coming up with an "emergency" for one of the afternoon commutes so she has to figure out a solution on her own. There's no downside to being a little unreliable.

Or, maybe, (it just occurs to me) you could make it more convenient to yourself and possibly more annoying to her which would be oh gosh too bad. If you don't like commuting in rush hour, tell her you want to leave an hour earlier because you hate rush hour traffic. And pick her up an hour later. Or something like that.

It's quite distressing to see how many people talk about friends who are clearly nothing of the sort.
Being a doormat means you attract the sort of 'friends' who treat people this way.

Real friends help each other out and are happy to, but a genuine friend would never ask such a ludicrous favour in the first place.

Do you even get reimbursed for fuel spent ferrying said adult around??

Sorry OP but you need to woman up and put your foot down firmly.

Incidentally using the car won't start won't wash as my DH has one too!

Which he presumably uses to get to work himself? Or is CF friend suggesting he uses the bus so that you can pick her daughter up in his car?

I agree with everyone else. If it's not an emergency then this needs to be the last time you do this. Either offer a reason or just say it's no longer possible.

Honestly OP, it was incredibly rude of your 'friend' to ask you. She must know this.

Just tell your friend that you have found from experience that driving across town in the rush hour takes too long and you don't have time.

One of the best advice I’ve seen comes from Mumsnet actually. It is that ‘no is a full sentence’. You don’t even have to have a reason to say no, especially in a situation like this where you’re dealing with a CF user, who really isn’t a friend at all.

Say NO. The excuse about the bus is just because she doesn't want to take a bus, some people think public transport is beneath them. 🙄

I walked across snow and ice covered pavement when I was in my 3rd trimester to get to work last year. I have no sympathy for an able bodied 20 year old who simply doesn't want to take the bus.

Presumably you chat when in the car together. Just say, this is the last time I can do this for you, it's very inconvenient and expensive for me. Have you (as in her) considered cycling? It's great exercise...

I wouldn't even do that for my own kids

I sound like my DM when I say things like this😂 but I used to get taxis to work at 17! So a 20 yr old can manage surely

Can you say to the 20yo in the car that you won't be doing the lifts from now on, rather than talking to your friend?

The 'no is a complete sentence' advice is only any good for the sort of person who would never have agreed to the CF request in the first place.

It's no good for someone like the OP who, it sounds like, is inherently nice and polite and doesn't want to offend. As bonkers as this might be to some of you.

She's never just going to say 'no'. I know this, because I would never, in a million years, just be able to say 'no' (full stop, end of sentence) to someone who's more than an acquaintance. She needs help to frame it in a different way, that she will actually feel able and comfortable saying.