Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

[Leatherflamingle]

That’s Textbook

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

It is VERY unusual for children to say they wish their father would leave. Working hard does not give him an excuse to detach from his family or cause arguments with his children.

Be honest, what are his good points? What do you like about him? Is the atmosphere better when he isn’t there?

[Jebuschristchocolatebar]

Sounds like a shit life to have. My dh works crazy hours he worked all day yesterday even though it was the weekend and he is not supposed to be there. He still came home, got up in the night with the baby and was up having the craic with the kids this morning before he went into work to put in another long day.

[Lolatall]

Based on what you've most recently said he is an abusive bully and you are enabling him.

It's only going to get worse as your children get older and they'll be damaged beyond repair.

Which bits of him are lovely by the way?

[Confusedadult]

When we are on holiday for example, he’s a different person. Engaging, funny, kind. We really enjoy each other’s company. The children also love it when we have this time.

[Babdoc]

OP, you seem to be a bit in denial here. This “lovely man” avoids YOU, not just his children, if he’s watching tv in a different room and going out with his friends instead of you.
Has this happened gradually and you’ve just accepted it? Are you clinging onto this non relationship for fear of being alone?
I can understand that you fear opening a can of worms, but for all your sakes - yours, your kids and actually your husband’s as well - you need to address this problem.
Family counselling, with a neutral third party there to mediate and prevent rows or ducking the issues, would be an excellent way forward.
You surely don’t want to continue in status quo? This situation has to improve or be ended. Good luck, OP. My prayers that your whole family find the courage to discuss it, and to take the necessary remedial action.

[megrichardson]

I cannot imagine how bad he must be for all your kids to be united in wanting him to go - their own father.
The heating thing is horrible.
I agree with the others, you may have conditioned yourself to appease him, but your daughter will not.
I would start making plans to remove him from your life, OP.

[PositivelyPeach]

Living with a misery guts and growing up walking on eggshells is a horrible way to live and will affect your children.
It’s time for a frank discussion

This was me and my dad when I was a child. I would dream of my DM remarrying, how sad is that?
We never had a relationship, and it only got worse as I got older. The damage was done. When my DM died he retreated further away from me.

However I will say, I don't think he could have changed if he wanted to - that was just him. I know that he loved me in his own way, he just had no interest in me.

I do carry some sadness, it took me a long time to entertain the idea of having my own children because of this, but my DH is a good man and will make a good father one day - at least I know what will definitely make a bad one.

[Karmin]

Read what you posted back, as if it was your eldest telling you about their partner, what would you say to them?

[Branleuse]

you might not want to let your children think they have any influence over your decision about staying in a neglectful/abusive marriage, but be prepared that they will resent you later too because of your fear of change. You get nothing out of this marriage either, but at least you have a choice whether to live with him. Your children have to put up with living with a father that clearly dislikes them.
Putting your children and their mental health first is an action. Its more than just words

[PutyourtoponTrevor]

Unless you're on holiday a lot, the kids aren't going to choose those memories as their memories of growing up

[ohfourfoxache]

Ah, that’s ok then.....as long as when he’s on holiday he’s nice to them.....rest of the time doesn’t really matter does it?

[SpriggyTheHedgehog]

That in no way makes up for him being an abusive selfish arse the rest of the time. That far outweighs the occasional day where he might be ok. You and your children deserve better but unlike you they don't have a choice. Please put them first.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

So ..your husband is a lodger then? Your typical day I bet more than equals his...yet you find time to parent..Lets see your typical day..up get the 3 kids ready do breakfast do the school run do the shopping do the housework do the washing do the cooking do the cleaning do the dentists do the afterschool clubs do the dinner do the bath times do the homework and maybe fit work into the mix too do the parties do the household paperwork?? He goes to work comes home watches tv speaks to no one expects dinner and probably sex then goes to sleep....he is not a parent or a husband...I am so sorry OP I dont mean to sound so mean and nasty but you have nothing here anymore with him if he is not willing to budge...

[Mapril]

I handed him the phone and told him he’d better book 6 weeks off work to stay in with her as how the hell was I going to manage that with two other kids!!!

I can tell you’re happy about that response, but can I ask why you didn’t just stick up for your daughter and tell him he was being an arse?

[Confusedadult]

I know, I know, I know. But I do genuinely think he’s depressed or out of his depth. I also know that I sound like a twat who’s making excuses for a wanker.

[Confusedadult]

I did stick up for her, I told him he was being an unreasonable dick.

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

Being nice on holiday doesn’t count if he’s a mean scumbag the rest of the time. Not allowing you to heat the house is horrible.

[eddielizzard]

So depressing. Your first duty is to your children, not your DH.

[TatianaLarina]

But that’s for him to tackle. For him to get therapy or suggest relationship counselling.

He just deals with it by turning off the heating and fucking off with his mates.

[SpriggyTheHedgehog]

It doesn't matter if he's depressed. I have depression and it isn't an excuse to behave like that.

[ohfourfoxache]

Being depressed is no excuse for being a cunt (I say that as someone with chronic depression - and guess what? Part of that is linked to my dad treating me the same way as he’s treating your kids)

[Karmin]

He has had children just as long as you, why are you not depressed and out of your depth?

[TatianaLarina]

You haven’t answered how he treats your eldest?

Does he have a problem with women in general?

[Confusedadult]

I tell him his discipline is sometimes ridiculous and not fair. When I try and involve him he says he doesn’t know what to do or that it’s making him ill.