AIBU to take exception to being offered 'a night off' at a wedding?

[SomethingStupidSomethingGreat]

DH and I have been awaiting a formal invite (after the 'save the date' had been sent) for a wedding in 3 months time. We were expecting it to be a child free wedding, which is fine... and to be honest, who 'really' wants to take young children to a wedding?
However, the invite arrived and states
'We love your kids but thought you would like a night off, so adults only please'
... we won't be going as dc2 is bf and an avid bottle refuser so I can't leave her. I don't mind, they are not close family and I have massive wedding fatigue after so many last year... but something has really irked me about the phrasing of the invite. I almost (I won't because I'm only a dick in my head and in anonymous forums) feel like saying...
'Thank you for thinking for us, yes we'd love a night off but unfortunately our dc will starve if she doesn't have almost constant access to my breasts.' (The wedding is 5 hours away).
Full disclosure, I do realise that none of this is the couples fault.
I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked me? I guess it just grated a bit that actually some people don't have the choice of a night off from their kids no matter how much you love them 😬

This is it the thing, people actually sit there thinking up responses that aren’t witty, just a way of being deeply unpleasant.

*Someone is only offering you a night off if they offer to babysit your children.

Absolutely have a child free wedding if you like but dressing it up as a favour to parents is obnoxious and patronising.*

Totally agree with WineGummyBear. Just roll your eyes, decline politely and send them a card to wish them a lovely day.

Im a bridesmaid this october. Got the official invite last week. no names at all on the invite. addressed to mr and mrs doodle on the envelope.

what does that mean?! as if it is childfree, my dh can't go as it is a 24 of of a job in a different county. so ill be there on my fecking own.

I find that sort of thing annoying too OP. This isn't about the wedding at all, it's about the type of people who decide on something to suit themselves (fair enough, their choice) but then present their decision as though they are doing a huge favour for you. I have a relative with tendencies towards this, you have to proceed with caution whenever she tells me something would be a treat for me as it often turns out to involve work for me and reward for her.

cabbage she isnt pissed off she can't go. she had no intention of going. she is pissed off it had been worded to make it look like they are doing op a favour, and not making it impossible.,

Karwoman I agree. Where does this come from? Through three babies that wording would not have made any impact on me. Where do people get off, bristling and being spiteful over the suggestion of a night off from the kids for a child free wedding?

i was invited to a family wedding a couple of years ago. no children. different county. on a sunday night. dh obviously coundnt go. the bride said she thought someone else could look after my two children for 24 hours on a sunday morning to monday morning. i replied with my entire family is at your wedding! she has sine had a child and gets so much help from her family babysitting overnight and all day it still wouldnt occur to her that other people dont have that.

I wouldn’t be bothered at all by the wording- although yes they are trying to make it look like they’re doing you a favour. I can see why you’re upset you can’t go though- the constant feeding and feeling trapped in general is really tough in the early days.

You always need to check if it's just adult names on the invite and no mention of it being childfree. A friend assumed that putting the adult names on the invites was sufficient and was horrified when people started turning down invites due to lack of childcare. She found out what the problem was and then had to ring round to let people know that their children were invited - she had no idea that no name meant no invite.

They think they're being cute and polite about it instead of just saying it outright. Don't let it bother you they'll look back and cringe.

YABU

You already said you thought it would be a child free wedding. Their only “crime” that I can see is using not great wording to describe that.

That phrasing is like saying "we're having a mid-week wedding so you can have some time off work".

Some people might leap at the chance, other people might find the loss of holiday/pay annoying or really difficult. You just have to own the decision and not make out it's for other people's benefit.

pictish because people read threads and perhaps some who are planning child free weddings will now choose to word their invitations without being patronising and thoughtless.

I have no objection to people having child free weddings if that's what they want. But to suggest that they are not inviting the children as some sort of favour to the parents is completely disingenuous.

Better they find out how people feel on MN rather than send such an invitation and piss off some of their nearest and dearest irl.

It happened many years ago to me when my dd was little. I was a single parent and childcare for a whole day and night was both difficult to organise and stressful because my dd has additional needs. But I did it because I really wanted to be there. What pissed me off was being told in the invitation that the B and G wanted us all to enjoy the day so no children other than their child.

Of course I said nothing but perhaps if they had greater understanding they might have thought to thank all those people who arranged childcare so they could enjoy the day wanted rather than suggest they were doing parents a favour.

It isnt a polite request though. It probably intends to be, which is why OP should just cordially refuse, but it isn't polite.

Mmm...you’re reading too much into it, seeing it purely from your own perspective and taking it personally. It’s their wedding and the wording was just an attempt at keeping it friendly.
Doesn’t explain the suggestion of arrogantly presenting them with the childcare bill. I realise you are illustrating a point in saying that...but it seems needlessly sour to me.

SlappingJoffrey I agree with you, it isn't polite at all. I consider it rude and patronising.

Good hosts consider the needs of their guests. This isn’t that, its just thinking of themselves and dressing it up as consideration. If people want a child free wedding but are expecting guests with children to attend this can be facilitated in a truely considerate way. There can be a wedding crèche and or a nanny service on offer (even if at the expense of the guests) ‘ No children’ assumes all guests have access to suitable childcare and this isn’t necessarily the case so essentially ‘no children’ says what we want means more to us than having you celebrate with us.

These invites annoy me too.
It’s worded like they’re being entirely selfless, if you want a child free wedding that’s totally your prerogative but just say it’s an adults only event, don’t make it seem like you’re doing it for anyone’s benefit other than your own!
If I want a child free night I can go ahead and organise it myself without needing an excuse because, y’know, I’m an adult and all!

I don’t think any harm is meant but it is an irritating way of wording it!

I agree the wording is awful

@cabbagepatchcactus not pissed off in the slightest

They will have agonised for ages about how to word the fact that they don’t want children there. I’m sure they didn’t want to offend anyone and have tried to find a kind-sounding way of saying it.

I know what you mean, but I think YABU - there is no way they could have found to say it without offending some people.

If I received that invite, my eyes would roll so far, I'd be able to see the inside of the back of my head.

YANBU OP. People are perfectly entitled to their childfree wedding, they don't need to justify it in any way, shape or form or take into account that it is a PITA for a lot of people to get childcare. But don't pretend you are doing me a favour ffs

@CalleighDoodle I would assume that's childfree but would double check with the couple x

But pictish there are lots of people saying the wording would irk/ irritate / piss them off etc. so it is clearly not something personal to me.

You (and others) think the wording friendly and polite - I (and others) think the wording is disingenuous and thoughtless.

My response about sending the bill was to reflect the way the invitation was phrased and o illustrate the lack of sincerity by the B and G.

@Ilikeviognier not upset I can't go. Second baby and feeding this time has been so much easier than the first time and tbh don't feel trapped at all x