AIBU to take exception to being offered 'a night off' at a wedding?

[SomethingStupidSomethingGreat]

DH and I have been awaiting a formal invite (after the 'save the date' had been sent) for a wedding in 3 months time. We were expecting it to be a child free wedding, which is fine... and to be honest, who 'really' wants to take young children to a wedding?
However, the invite arrived and states
'We love your kids but thought you would like a night off, so adults only please'
... we won't be going as dc2 is bf and an avid bottle refuser so I can't leave her. I don't mind, they are not close family and I have massive wedding fatigue after so many last year... but something has really irked me about the phrasing of the invite. I almost (I won't because I'm only a dick in my head and in anonymous forums) feel like saying...
'Thank you for thinking for us, yes we'd love a night off but unfortunately our dc will starve if she doesn't have almost constant access to my breasts.' (The wedding is 5 hours away).
Full disclosure, I do realise that none of this is the couples fault.
I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked me? I guess it just grated a bit that actually some people don't have the choice of a night off from their kids no matter how much you love them 😬

It would more annoy me because it implies we all have a choice!
Breastfeeding issues aside, it assumes we all have loving supportive families just dying to take care of our babies for a night.

It doesn't imply anything! The woman doesn't want squawking through the vows, nuggets and ketchup splattered all over her place settings and kids sliding around the dance floor when her mates are enjoying the band. She's tried to take the sting out of saying I don't want your kids there by using some slightly twee wording. It doesn't matter, it isn't all about you.

They could be twee without being irritating and disingenuous NaturalBornWoman e.g. " We love your kids but have decided the occasion is for adults only."

i.e. leave out the irritating crap that implies they are doing parents a favour

RaffertyFair much of MN is just outraged that anyone would want an adults only occasion. It shouldn't be a delicate matter necessitating in depth deliberations about how to word the invitation to avoid offending, but it obviously was. And still they're roundly castigated. Their mistake was trying not to offend, since this was clearly impossible.

They could be twee without being irritating and disingenuous NaturalBornWoman e.g. " We love your kids but have decided the occasion is for adults only."

They were probably just looking for a cute way of saying it. They've been revealed as lacking imagination in this particular circumstance, but that's hardly a great offense is it?

It’s worded in an annoying way in the way that things having to do with weddings often are. I think with all the planning and lead up that goes into planning (and paying for) a wedding it’s easy for the bride and groom to be swept up into thinking that you will be extremely grateful to be invited.

Likewise people who don’t have children or have available childcare don’t realize how difficult and expensive it can be to arrange childcare for a whole day / evening or overnight. With a breast feeding baby you aren’t going to be very physically comfortable being away for that long. They may not starve but you’ll feel guilty and leak, not worth it.

I had a friend apologise to me for asking me to take one child but not the other to her wedding. Apology was about 8 years coming and we just laughed about it.

This is similar to my first thought: that the bride and groom could be thinking ‘If we invite the Smiths’ kids we’ll have to invite the Joneses’ kids, and their youngest is a monster.’ Not saying your child is a monster; I’m thinking of my own DC here.

Agree the wording is terrible. Personally I don't get child free weddings but it's up to the Bride and Groom to. Decide what they want. But if they do want a child free wedding I don't think they should present it as them doing a favour for parents by giving them a day off. Arranging childcare is not easy and if someone has BF baby it's almost impossible.

Yep - insincere and twee nonsense. The same thing is true of signs that say ‘smile, you’re on CCTV’.

If you don’t want kids at your wedding that’s fine, but you’re not truthfully making that choice for anyone’s benefit but your own so don’t try and dress it up with some basic shit.

I rarely get a ‘night off’ and a wedding wouldn’t be my first choice of how to spend it, so I rather enjoy any invitations from DP’s friends and family being no children so I can happily wave him off to enjoy himself without us. Unfortunately attendance at SIL’s wedding seems to be mandatory for the whole family so we’ll be dragging the 3 and 1 year old hours away so I can stand outside the ceremony with whichever one is being noisy, take them for a walk over the food because they’ve been cooped up on trains for hours to get there, and then sit in the dark in our hotel room while they sleep. Can’t wait.

We had similar last year, and it did annoy me, because it felt insincere, and the way it was worded was almost like ‘we know what you’lol enjoy more than you do’. But also because it was wildly inpractical- wedding 5 hours away, on a week day (wtf am I supposed to do with DC when all of my family, who babysit when they can, work full time?!) Actually, it would’ve been a logistical nightmare trying to go without the DC.

We have been to several child free weddings, and this is the only invite that gave me the rage. Other invites were along the lines of ‘due to numbers...:’

^ that should be ‘we know what you’ll’...

I'm currently thinking of how to word my wedding invites as I only want the children in my immediate family to attend. Atleast I know what not to write! I don't want to offend anyone.

I'm currently thinking of how to word my wedding invites as I only want the children in my immediate family to attend. Atleast I know what not to write! I don't want to offend anyone.

I've never come across an invite that specifically states not to bring your kids, it's just assumed that they're not invited unless their names are on the invite. (I'm in Ireland)

Yep - insincere and twee nonsense.

It's also so unoriginal, just lifted off one of those tacky wedding forums or site.

Along the same lines is 'Your presence is our present, but give us money for getting married' or 'No boxed gifts' when you're not from the Asian culture this originated from.

You usually find the 'it's a night off for you' together with tacky touts for cash.

But NaturalBornWoman
the wording wasn't designed to avoid offense to the parents whose children weren't invited, it was worded to avoid the B and G looking bad.
Hence my (tongue in cheek) suggestion way back on the thread, that guests should thank them for their offer to pay for childcare
Unfortunately my suggestion upset some posters

And before I get jumped on, I'm not they should feel 'bad', simply that they should own their decision to not have children and accept the fact that some people won't come as a result.

Your being over sensitive.

FWIW your baby would probably accept a bottle from someone who doesn't smell like milk if they were hungry enough.

So you can leave them. You just don't want to.

OP if this is your biggest problem in life then I want your life. I honestly wouldn’t care.

Which is a valid choice, I hasten to add.

It’s all about the money, money, money...
However, I get it, I don’t need anyone to approve or grant me a night off.

Just tell them thanks but you don't need a night off, and are happy to bring the kids!
They will be happy about that as they love your kids

It’s not brilliantly worded I agree but honestly does it matter? If they don’t have young kids they’re probably not au fait with the nuances of what sounds exactly right. Wedding invitations are a flaming nightmare as is the kids/no kids/family kids only choice.

I’m a copywriter and I salute the ability to write something simultaneously boring and enraging.

So you can leave them. You just don't want to.

well, possibly she doesn’t want to because she’d be spending half the night in the toilets with a breastpump while trying not to think about her baby at home screaming its head off?

I’ve left a bottle-refusing baby overnight, not through choice, and while the baby didn’t starve it was pretty miserable all round. I entirely understand why someone would describe it as ‘can’t leave the baby’.

People who get all upset about being offered a night off really annoy me. It’s like they’re trying to show off that they love their children more than people that might accept an occasional ‘night off’. Get over it.

MrsElizabethshelby some BF babies do refuse a bottle even though they are hungry and get themselves in a terrible state, over tired and hungry but not able to sleep or feed this is distressing for the baby and the poor person trying to look after them. I have been in that position twice before and honestly would never want to do it again. And no I did not smell of milk as I was not the mother.