AIBU to take exception to being offered 'a night off' at a wedding?

[SomethingStupidSomethingGreat]

DH and I have been awaiting a formal invite (after the 'save the date' had been sent) for a wedding in 3 months time. We were expecting it to be a child free wedding, which is fine... and to be honest, who 'really' wants to take young children to a wedding?
However, the invite arrived and states
'We love your kids but thought you would like a night off, so adults only please'
... we won't be going as dc2 is bf and an avid bottle refuser so I can't leave her. I don't mind, they are not close family and I have massive wedding fatigue after so many last year... but something has really irked me about the phrasing of the invite. I almost (I won't because I'm only a dick in my head and in anonymous forums) feel like saying...
'Thank you for thinking for us, yes we'd love a night off but unfortunately our dc will starve if she doesn't have almost constant access to my breasts.' (The wedding is 5 hours away).
Full disclosure, I do realise that none of this is the couples fault.
I'm not sure what phrasing would have been better and not irked me? I guess it just grated a bit that actually some people don't have the choice of a night off from their kids no matter how much you love them 😬

The invitation wording wasn’t polite, in the view of some.

It's like the poems that ask for money. Some people think they are delightful and cute, some people think they are twee and tacky. It's always better to err on the side of trying not to offend guests.

@NoCauseRebel completely agree that it would not have been a malicious thought behind it at all and they likely agonised over the wording.

You have to be able to put yourself in others’ head space to avoid causing offence. It would never in a million years occur to me that those innocent, well intentioned words would piss anyone off.

I had a child free wedding. I'm totally ok with them!

BUT be honest that that's what you want, and dont pretend its for the benefit of the poor beggars who have to go through the hole cost and expense of attending a wedding, plus the hassle and cost of a babysitter.

@Alsohuman. Child free weddings are fine. Sometimes I've welcomed them! But saying they're for the benefit of the attendees with children is lying, which is never innocent and well intentioned.

If you agree that the wording was well intentioned and likely agonised over then I'm really not sure why you're "irked" with the phrasing OP.

It sounds like you're more annoyed about the situation (stuck at home with a bottle refusing baby) than you actually are with the couple in question.

YABU. People are entitled to have child free weddings but however they phrase that, somebody will take the hump about their precious darlings being excluded. It maybe isn’t how you would have worded it, but that doesn’t mean it’s an insult.

And look at it this way - would you prefer for them to say ‘your kids will probably be bored to tears and overhyped on sugar so we would rather not have them spoil the day by running around and yelling while we grit our teeth and think about the fact that we’re paying for them to be there at the expense of people we actually wanted to invite’

I'm genuinely interested to know what you understood the point of the wording was Alsohuman in order to judge them well intentioned

And for the record I don't for a second think there was any actively bad intention. Just insincerity and thoughtlessness.

HBStowe as has been pointed out numerous times it's very easy to phrase a childfree wedding invitation without being disingenuous or (to take your suggested alternative) rude.

We wrote something similar on our wedding invites, along the lines of "we love your children but.... feel free to let your hair down" etc, but did make it clear that if people struggled to get childcare we would be happy for the kids to come. We just did not have the space for the 40 or so kids that would come if we hadn't made this distinction- we had 1 very young BF baby there as well as our own child of course and his 2 cousins and that was it. I've always been delighted when we've received a wedding invite stating no kids as young kids would be bored out of their minds standing around, listening to speeches etc... and we get to let our hair down. I don't care how the invite is worded, but if I wanted to go but couldn't find a babysitter I'd ask the b&g whether or not it's ok to bring the kids. 40 kids at a wedding is a very different thing compared to a handful! Some might have a strict no kids policy, others might just be doing it for space/affordability reasons and have some wriggle room for a few kids.

Pretamum, child free weddings are fine, but the wording on your wedding invitation - although better than OP’s example - probably irritated some parents.

I've always been delighted when we've received a wedding invite stating no kids as young kids

Why on earth would you need a "childfree wedding invitation" in order to not bring your children

HBStowe as has been pointed out numerous times it's very easy to phrase a childfree wedding invitation without being disingenuous

This is just bollocks though, isn’t it? You might think the wording here is disingenuous but I don’t. And similarly, what you consider to be fine another person might find rude. However you try to phrase it I guarantee someone will manage to be stroppy about it. So unless you have good reason to think the couple are deliberately trying to be rude or catty, it should just be assumed that there’s no perfect way to handle this slightly awkward matter and that everyone is just trying their best to be polite about it.

@Rafferty, OP says it was well intentioned so I took my cue from her. Are you suggesting the bride and groom decided they’d word their invitation to piss as many prospective guests off as possible? As I said, it would never occur to me that it would bother anyone.

I've had a couple of similar invites to child free weddings too recently. Possibly (not) coincidental that they are both from relatively young child free couples.

I think the problem is they think they need to find a nice way to say "Your atrocious brats are not invited", and there just is no nice way of saying that.

@Loopytiles yes perhaps - I can live with that. You can't go through life without irritating people at some point. I really could not care less if someone felt irritated at a turn of phrase on a wedding invite.

The thread isn't about child free weddings though HBStowe .

Some people in this thread are pointing out that the way the invitation was worded was the problem.

Phrasing a child free invitation to suggest it's for the benefit if the guests is not polite in my book because it's not true.

Fair enough!

Yes, it's like you can choose when to have a night off or not. Of course you deserve it but it's not possible! And definitely not up to them.
But they are just trying to phrase "child free wedding" in a way that doesn't sound like "your kids are an inconvenience to us". They haven't got a clue about kids obviously.

" likewise we have some friends getting married next year and they asked us 'do people want to bring children to weddings generally' we said, no not really"

TBH round here the norm is to have children. I've not been invited to any childfree weddings.

I don't get the thing about begging someone to have a childfree wedding because you don't want to bring your kids. If you don't want to bring your kids then don't bring them! Job done.

It never used to be the done thing to have childfree weddings I think this is a big cultural shift. Or maybe it's more of an English thing? I'm English and so is DH but the part of London we live in most of our friends (known from school) are of non English backgrounds / different religions. eg Irish, Italian, Jewish, Hindu. I think those cultures might be bigger on family. Not sure. Anyway, they aren't common here. Childfree weddings I mean.

I also think the invitation is silly.

Like a PP said, the obviously don't love your kids or they would be there so that bit is a lie, and also arranging childcare etc can be a PITA or impossible so how it's a favour I have no idea. OP has BF baby so presenting going to wedding without it as awesome and great doesn't really work does it! Like, tinkly laugh, oh lucky you, giving you the opportunity to leave your baby with no food for 24 hours! We're so kind

I think the problem is they think they need to find a nice way to say "Your atrocious brats are not invited", and there just is no nice way of saying that.

How about writing the names of the people invited and at the bottom saying
Due to limited numbers at the venue we are unable to invite children.

'I guess it just grated a bit that actually some people don't have the choice of a night off from their kids no matter how much you love them 😬'

'feeding this time has been so much easier than the first time and tbh don't feel trapped at all x

I find your posts a bit conflicting TBH

People often (not always) don't realise this until they have children themselves though. They honestly believe that better parenting would have the kids asleep in an unfamiliar location with a strange babysitter after an exciting day out.

I had a friend apologise to me for asking me to take one child but not the other to her wedding. Apology was about 8 years coming and we just laughed about it.