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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends all my money - please advise.

115 replies

tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 22:13

He's got my card to go shopping everyday. It's his only responsibility and hobby. He can't work due to illness. I work full time and we live on my salary.

I track everything with my online bank account but I don't always get an answer to what's that £7 spent on when there's nothing to show?
It feels rotten and cruel to keep asking - not to give him some leeway to have a life while I'm at work.

It's only a few quid a day but we're in debt mainly due to his utter refusal to comply to anything and my stupidity to allow this ridiculous attitude to money.

So, here's the question... Should I take my card back and give him a set amount every day? If I do that he'll secrete the change and spend it on stuff for himself. He'll get nasty if I ask for it.

It might sound silly but I try to save/not spend a quid a day for a trip to the theatre once a year. I cant remember ever spending more than £10 on myself for years.

What should I do?

He has the card and I can tack spending but no real answers about what it's spent on...
Money in envelope and no change?

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/04/2019 22:16

Make an allowance, he very well may be a profligate spender (and there are many reasons for that ) but it is also financially abusive to keep someone short of money.

If he cant work due to illness, does he get ESA or PIP?

NoFancyUserName · 13/04/2019 22:17

LTB

Di11y · 13/04/2019 22:18

he needs a budget - weekly or monthly. cash if he can't be trusted with a card.

Gazelda · 13/04/2019 22:18

I don't think you can ask him what he spends the £7 on. I presume you consider your salary as family income, so he has the right to spend as he wishes.
However, if you are in debit, you need to tackle it together.

Tell him that you're worried about the level of debit you have between you, and want to work towards getting some savings behind you. Suggest that the two of you sit down and work out a budget. There are loads of templates online, including moneysavingexpert. Once you've both agreed a budget, you should review it every week or month to make sure you're on track and the budget doesn't need tweaking. If he is a decent sort, he'll work with you to budget and get finances in order.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 13/04/2019 22:18

Set a budget. Sit down and work out how much you need for bills/mortgage/debt repayment. Put that in a separate account and set up direct debits. Figure how much you need for living costs. Put that in a separate account (the one he has access to). Decide how much of the remainder you want to save (seperate savings account) and how much you want to spend on treats (either put into the account he has the card for or split between yourselves or something). There is nothing wrong with ensuring that you are both spending responsibility. But it’s a bit abusive to make him account for every penny he spend because you are the one who ‘earns’ the money.

crazycatlady5 · 13/04/2019 22:19

This is a tough one because I feel like in the reverse people would say you’re entitled to spend how you need to in a partnership. I’m wondering if £7 is really the issue. How much is he actually spending a day? I would be mortified if I was given an ‘allowance’ though I find that incredibly controlling 😳

Gazelda · 13/04/2019 22:19

debit debt.

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 22:19

I think you need separate bank accounts. If you don't trust him to do the shopping and you're on an incredibly tight budget perhaps you could do an online shop once a week. If there is any spare cash to spend then it should be split between you. It can't be that he just spends it all and you have nothing. Is your relationship happy outside of money issues? Why is he spending money it sounds like you don't have? Is he depressed? Impulsively spending? Just selfish?

gamerchick · 13/04/2019 22:19

Pre paid card? You can be generous and no doubt you'll get slaughtered for dicking over 7 quid and tracking his spending but once it's gone it's gone.

He's not a child, you are in debt and he needs to acknowledge that.

Does he claim anything for himself for his illness?

lifebegins50 · 13/04/2019 22:19

Can you agree a joint budget as it is family money and you need to have equal disposal income.

Does he receive any benefits or could he do any part time work? Could a debt advisor help with budgets as it is a miserable way to live of you cant ever spend £10 on yourself.

AtSea1979 · 13/04/2019 22:19

It’s a tricky one but I think the best thing you can do is pay all the bills, put aside some savings and split the rest 50/50 and he can spend it on whatever he wants and when it’s gone it’s gone and he has to wait until payday like everyone else not expect you to pay out of your half.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/04/2019 22:20

He'll get nasty if I ask for it.

what do you mean?

RomanyQueen1 · 13/04/2019 22:20

Does he get benefits? You can't be financially abusive but if he can't be trusted and you are in debt, something has to give.
Maybe he should pay for stuff from his money and you from yours.
Keep finances separate but pay bills jointly.

GertrudeCB · 13/04/2019 22:20

Does he have any income at all?

DumbledoresApprentice · 13/04/2019 22:22

Your husband spends a few pounds a day? That doesn’t sound too unreasonable. When you say you don’t always get an answer does he refuse to tell you or do you mean sometimes he can’t remember or isn’t sure.
Are you asking him to account for every transaction on your online statements? That sounds a bit excessive to me. I wouldn’t want to have every pound I spend tracked nor would I want to have to justify every little thing I buy. It sounds like money is tight for you and I think maybe that is playing a role here but he doesn’t sound to me like he’s really doing anything wrong. If he doesn’t work it’s easier to spend money. I’m a teacher and I definitely spend more in the holidays when I have less to fill my day.

CalmdownJanet · 13/04/2019 22:23

This is a hard one. If this was reversed and a sahm posted with this wording and the "my" money in the title she would be told to leave and you'd be called controlling. BUT you aren't spending either and he got you into debt, can you say how much debt and on what?

TheCrowFromBelow · 13/04/2019 22:25

No one needs to shop everyday and it isn’t a great hobby.
He needs another interest, you both need to sit down and look at finances together and get him to start budgeting as well. If you can’t afford stuff then he shouldn’t be buying it.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 22:25

Too bad if he gets nasty! I'd cancel the fucking card and go with AtSea's suggestion.

TheInvestigator · 13/04/2019 22:27

It's a mad set up. The money is family money, but you've got bills to pay and debt to pay. You don't have unlimited money so, you do what everyone else does.

You earn X per month.
All your bills and essentials add up to Y.
Your debt payment is Z.

You have A leftover. You put B into a joint savings account (which neither of you can spend from so he doesn't get a card but you don't use it either). You then split the remainder in half for fun money and have then you have the same spending money each.

Sit down tomorrow with all the figures and tell him what he will be getting.

TheCrowFromBelow · 13/04/2019 22:27

A few pounds a day on unnecessary stuff runs into £1000 + a year though.
If you (as a family) have it spare then fine but if you don’t, he needs to stop.

TalkinPaece · 13/04/2019 22:28

Set him up a housekeeping account
pay a reasonably amount into it each month
let him have the card for that
and then you be in charge of the house and your earnings

TalkinPaece · 13/04/2019 22:29

PS you sound like one of my clients

she earns a LOT
her husband does not work
they did as I suggested
they are both happier

Magissa · 13/04/2019 22:31

Get a Monzo account and give him the card. Transfer shopping money weekly.

Monzo really helped me with budgeting.

WeTookVows · 13/04/2019 22:32

I'm a SAHM and I'd be upset if DH pulled me up over £7... HOWEVER we are comfortable enough to save every month. Your circumstances are quite different so I think you need to sit and discuss a budget between you.

If you can both set aside an afternoon you can do a full budget overhaul (search for new gas and electricity tariff / work out grocery shopping etc while you're at it) and see how much disposable income you genuinely have. If we have had a big bill, we have the occasional month where we assign 3 or 4 "no spend days" when we literally don't even take the kids for sweets and make do without toast if we've no bread. It can help reset us and stop the random spending for spending sake.

Him getting nasty is another matter... as I say I'd be upset and pissed off if DH came on all draconian and made me have an allowance, but if it was more of an on going discussion with us both on side I'd be happy and even slightly excited about the challenge.

Bbang · 13/04/2019 22:32

Take back the card, and get him his own account. Pay all the bills first, debt second savings third, what’s left split 50/50 and transfer him his and once he’s blown through it then tough shit he’ll have to wait to next month like everyone else.

Definitely need to sit him down and talk through strict budget with him, especially considering there is debt that’s a priority above spending on whatever he likes.

What do you mean he gets nasty? That shouldn’t be happening at all . .

And lastly is he claiming anything for his mental health issues? Could he go on some courses with the jobcentre with a view to easing back into the workplace at some point?