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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends all my money - please advise.

115 replies

tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 22:13

He's got my card to go shopping everyday. It's his only responsibility and hobby. He can't work due to illness. I work full time and we live on my salary.

I track everything with my online bank account but I don't always get an answer to what's that £7 spent on when there's nothing to show?
It feels rotten and cruel to keep asking - not to give him some leeway to have a life while I'm at work.

It's only a few quid a day but we're in debt mainly due to his utter refusal to comply to anything and my stupidity to allow this ridiculous attitude to money.

So, here's the question... Should I take my card back and give him a set amount every day? If I do that he'll secrete the change and spend it on stuff for himself. He'll get nasty if I ask for it.

It might sound silly but I try to save/not spend a quid a day for a trip to the theatre once a year. I cant remember ever spending more than £10 on myself for years.

What should I do?

He has the card and I can tack spending but no real answers about what it's spent on...
Money in envelope and no change?

OP posts:
makingmiracles · 14/04/2019 10:36

If he’s I’ll enough not to be able to work, he should be getting PIP benefit, why is he not?

furrytoebean · 14/04/2019 10:41

I agree with a PP

You need separate bank accounts. Then you need to work it how much money you have left after bills savings etc and give both of you the same amount of spending money.

Then it's his to do whatever he likes on.

Flaverings · 14/04/2019 10:55

People are advising the OP on how to manage the family finances or how to end this unhealthy relationship. The OP will not listen because she doesn't want to do either.

TooBusyHavingFun · 14/04/2019 10:57

Life is too short, you need to leave him. He is an adult and responsible for himself. He will get benefits if you leave him and if your concern is the he will commit suicide if you leave him then that is not a good enough reason to remain in a relationship where there is no love.

Tiredemma · 14/04/2019 11:10

Bloody hell. You only live one life. Leave the sponging bastard

SuchAToDo · 14/04/2019 11:15

Get him a prepaid cards for card like cash plus... You can preloaded a set amount on it by topping it up online or at the post office then he can use it like a regular card...but can't overspend because once the amount you have out on it is spent, he can't spend anymore until it's topped up

Bigger question is why are you letting him have free reign with your card and spend your money when he won't tell you what he's spending on...get your card back today,

Like the others say, why isn't he on benefits if he is too ill to work

He is rinsing you op

LakieLady · 14/04/2019 11:21

Like the others say, why isn't he on benefits if he is too ill to work

Unless OP is on an incredibly low income, her earnings will exceed the threshold for means-tested benefits.

Her husband would only be eligible for PIP, and it's very hard to get.

GabsAlot · 14/04/2019 11:58

i dont ant to stick up for him as he doesnt sound nice but i too have been refused pip used to get dla but when i got moved over it ws stopped-not ill enough apparently

my dh also earns too much for me to claim anything else

Blindandfrozen · 14/04/2019 12:03

Give him a monzo

redexpat · 14/04/2019 12:16

This is a weird thread. Starts off as a my dh cant stick to the budget and Im hppy to be the breadwinner. Then goes via oh he could work to divorce worthy cocklodger and resentment.

Even if he gets the spending under control, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

theworldistoosmall · 14/04/2019 12:18

30 years!? Wow.
Time to dump his sponging arse. You aren't responsible for him. You have served your sentence.
Also, speak to someone about the debts. Things can be written off.
Anyone who says you should have stayed, tell them they are more than welcome to take over.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 12:23

This sounds intolerable.
I’d leave but if you aren’t up for that...

I’d take your card back and get a monzo or
Revolut (google them)

You can top it up with a fixed amount and cannot be overdrawn.

I’d suggest setting up an online shop yourself and removing that “responsibility”.

Bananalanacake · 14/04/2019 12:30

do you mean he needs the money for food shopping. as he's at home while you are working he should be food shopping and cooking. please don't say you do all the cooking and cleaning too.

hazell42 · 14/04/2019 12:53

Someone is being financially controlling here.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure which one.
It seems unreasonable of yi6y to expect him to justify every penny he spends. Equally it is unreasonable of him not to contribute what he can and get you into debt.
You need to sit down together and work it how you are going to manage.
Or leave
This is miserable for all of you.

mummymeister · 14/04/2019 13:07

Looks like the OP has gone - last message deleted.

but OP if you are still reading then really have a think about this. this is your life - one life only. you don't get to come back and have another go this is it.

when do you think he is going to start being fiscally responsible? well the answer is never. because he doesn't need to be. he knows that's what you do so he doesn't have to.

and just like a cornered animal he will fight with everything he has to keep his current life style going - he will tell you absolutely anything to keep you keeping him in the style that he is happiest.

You have to walk away. even if you leave it all behind because you are taking with you the most important thing - you.

don't stay like this, please. Its absolutely grim to be in this situation but it is never, NEVER going to change unless you change it.

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