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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends all my money - please advise.

115 replies

tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 22:13

He's got my card to go shopping everyday. It's his only responsibility and hobby. He can't work due to illness. I work full time and we live on my salary.

I track everything with my online bank account but I don't always get an answer to what's that £7 spent on when there's nothing to show?
It feels rotten and cruel to keep asking - not to give him some leeway to have a life while I'm at work.

It's only a few quid a day but we're in debt mainly due to his utter refusal to comply to anything and my stupidity to allow this ridiculous attitude to money.

So, here's the question... Should I take my card back and give him a set amount every day? If I do that he'll secrete the change and spend it on stuff for himself. He'll get nasty if I ask for it.

It might sound silly but I try to save/not spend a quid a day for a trip to the theatre once a year. I cant remember ever spending more than £10 on myself for years.

What should I do?

He has the card and I can tack spending but no real answers about what it's spent on...
Money in envelope and no change?

OP posts:
Original poster
tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 22:32

No PIP or ESA.

I don't mind being the breadwinner. Nothing matters anymore apart from dealing with the debt we're still in after 30 years.

There is no love - just survival. I would LTB if I could but he's too weak to be abandoned now.

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 13/04/2019 22:34

I don't follow

shopping can't be a hobby if you don't have the money!

If you mean he does the family shopping and spends money on mysterious things you never see - could he be gambling?

also, he clearly can't budget so it would be fine to give him a prepaid card and say "this is for the weekly shop". you shouldn't have to do that for an adult though. He can't have access to all the family money if he just keeps spending it all!

TalkinPaece · 13/04/2019 22:34

tarara
There is no love - just survival. I would LTB if I could but he's too weak to be abandoned now.
No he's not.
You are.
You need to stop funding him.

Coronapop · 13/04/2019 22:34

Retrieve your card (or cancel it), it is illegal for him to use it anyway. Don't give him any spending money at all. You can easily organise online shopping deliveries. If he is well enough to indulge a hobby he is well enough to find some sort of work.

BestestBrownies · 13/04/2019 22:34

Do you have any children together OP?

BiscuitDrama · 13/04/2019 22:35

Could you try and spend what you need first? Sound awful, but get bill DDs set up for beginning of the month, do a couple of big food shops early in the month, take out a bit of cash for you. Then, once the money has gone, its gone. He just won’t be able to spend it.
I dunno, just thinking then it avoids the argument and makes it his responsibility.

ChariotsofFish · 13/04/2019 22:35

What’s wrong with him that he’s too ill to leave or work but not we’ll enough for PIP or ESA? Is he just taking the piss? Doesn’t he care about the debt?

RosaWaiting · 13/04/2019 22:35

oh cross post

if it's just that you can't leave because you feel a moral duty, then I'd think even more, just give him a card with a limit.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 13/04/2019 22:35

He's controlling you by keeping you in debt.

You can take The Freedom Program online, and you can talk to Womens Aid for support. They wont try to persuade you to leave him or anything, but you deserve some head space for yourself.

SpinneyHill · 13/04/2019 22:36

If he gets nasty about change stop giving him any to get nasty about.
How is shopping a hobby?

TheInvestigator · 13/04/2019 22:36

Eh... It's not your job to be his nurse. You can leave. He's not your child who you need to support almost unconditionally.

You're in debt and he's spending all the money he can. Leave him. He'll get something in the divorce and after that he can sort himself out.

BestestBrownies · 13/04/2019 22:36

x-posted.

Leave the sponging bastard.

stucknoue · 13/04/2019 22:38

If his illness is preventing even part time work, try again for benefits, cab can help

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 22:38

How much debt do you have? Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to? What is his illness? Do you have children?

Apologies for all the questions. I feel really sorry for you.

SpinneyHill · 13/04/2019 22:42

You paid for him all this time and can't/won't leave now because he's helpless and dependent on your money but his spending a few quid without your permission is an issue despite you knowing that he knows he can spend what he likes

Either you played him like a violin or he played you.

keepforgettingmyusername · 13/04/2019 22:43

If you don't love him, fucking dump him. He's not that vulnerable. Life's too short to spend it like this.

And by the way, people who are saying OP would be called U if the roles were reversed, that would only be true in the case of OP being a SAHM. OPs DH doesn't contribute like a SAHP does.

happyhillock · 13/04/2019 22:43

If you only have one salary coming in and he's spending money that he's not accounting for i'd want to know what he's spending it on, can't you do one big shop online? There would be no need for him to shop every day, or do the shop together at the weekend

Wolfiefan · 13/04/2019 22:45

Talkin talks sense.
His weakness isn’t your responsibility or your problem. Find a way out.

GlitterPixie · 13/04/2019 22:46

I had to do this with my husband or he just spent all the money on nothing and not leave any for bills. Now I have his bank card and online banking details and he gets an allowance every week. I’ve told him I’ll log in and show him the account statement any time he wants etc. I used to give him his card to withdraw the allowance but there started to be extra transactions just small ones of 5 or 10 so now I physically withdraw the cash and give it to him. He does agree this is for the good of the household as we are trying to pay down a large debt

Onceuponacheesecake · 13/04/2019 22:47

Can you open another bank account for your pay and bills to go in/out of? And then move money into the account you currently have for spends?

But your current situation/relationship sounds like it has bigger problems tbh.

ABC1234DEF · 13/04/2019 22:50

What's he buying to be going shopping every day?!

expat101 · 13/04/2019 23:00

My Hubby is the major breadwinner in our family and I do the books/shopping/bill payments. He has never asked me once how much I spend when I'm out and about, but then I don't go shopping every day either...

I don't understand how your Hubby can be so ill as not to work, but can manage to shop every day. Why would anyone want to unless he is feeling ''cabin fever'' by being at home?

Maybe its time to re-direct his focus and sign him up for an off campus course that will improve his employment prospects and get him back on track again... ?

Original poster
tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 23:01

Spinney we have nothing. He won''t work - he's barely worked in the last 30 years. Did I play him? No, don't think so. I just got on with what was necessary.

Did he play me? I wouldn't give him the credit.

OP posts:
maltesers99 · 13/04/2019 23:04

Dont waste any more of your life living like that, it's too short!
Why can't he work?

PickAChew · 13/04/2019 23:08

You are married to my ex's twin brother, it seems, both in terms of financial cluelessness and having a tantrum if pulled up on it. The difference is that both I and his next victim reached a point of drawing a line under his profligate spending dumping him.

You can only make this work if you ringfence the money you need for day to day expenses in an account he can't access. You should probably ditch the joint account, for which you are liable, and get him to set up his own account with an allowance that your family can afford.

If you can't face the strop, then you really need to get rid. He's most likely not as fragile as he makes you think.

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