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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends all my money - please advise.

115 replies

tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 22:13

He's got my card to go shopping everyday. It's his only responsibility and hobby. He can't work due to illness. I work full time and we live on my salary.

I track everything with my online bank account but I don't always get an answer to what's that £7 spent on when there's nothing to show?
It feels rotten and cruel to keep asking - not to give him some leeway to have a life while I'm at work.

It's only a few quid a day but we're in debt mainly due to his utter refusal to comply to anything and my stupidity to allow this ridiculous attitude to money.

So, here's the question... Should I take my card back and give him a set amount every day? If I do that he'll secrete the change and spend it on stuff for himself. He'll get nasty if I ask for it.

It might sound silly but I try to save/not spend a quid a day for a trip to the theatre once a year. I cant remember ever spending more than £10 on myself for years.

What should I do?

He has the card and I can tack spending but no real answers about what it's spent on...
Money in envelope and no change?

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 13/04/2019 23:08

OP "Did he play me? I wouldn't give him the credit."

um.....if he hasn't been seriously ill or genuinely unable to work....

Giraffetower · 13/04/2019 23:09

hmmm. If he genuinely can't work and is spending on household stuff, then YABU - that is how much it costs to run a house!

If he is a spendthrift who is doing nothing but spend... spend... spend... then YANBU. £7 a day is nearly £50 a week.

None of us know which one it is. Agree with the PP's who have suggested sitting down and talking about your joint financials, as adults.

mondaylisasmile · 13/04/2019 23:13

£7 is £7 you don't always have - the amount is immaterial. The real problem here is his response to communication/your fearing asking him, and both of you need to be on the same page to tackle the debt effectively.

Until (if?) That even ever happens.

Jon65 · 13/04/2019 23:16

Unless you own your own home, consider going bankrupt then leave. Get the life you deserve.

longearedbat · 13/04/2019 23:17

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? You've put up with it for 30 years. He's never going to change now. You are not his carer or his mother. Stop enabling him. Get a grip on the money in the sensible way others have suggested. Then stick a rocket up his backside to get him to behave like an adult, not a dependent, or else leave him.

cordeliavorkosigan · 13/04/2019 23:18

You must change this. If you've been doing this for 30 years you are not young - you need to protect your future, and shopping simply cannot be a hobby. In fact it shouldn't be any of our hobbies, but especially not at the cost of you spending on yourself (not 10£, not in years!!? ) or on your financial security.
What does 'he will get nasty' mean? It doesn't sound good.
I think you must find a way to get out -- of the situation, maybe of the relationship, if you can't work as a team to meet both your needs. You don't need to spend the rest of your life like this. If he cannot work he should be getting some support due to disability. If he simply will not, and isn't caring for DC or contributing in other ways, that's a huge problem.
But whatever his situation, it is unfair if you can never spend on yourself and he takes your card out every day. And money doesn't come in by magic - he must come to understand there's a set amount, bills and debt to be paid and only so much left over.

tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DeaflySilence · 13/04/2019 23:22

"He can't work due to illness." "No PIP or ESA."

What is the illness that prevents him being able to work? If it really is serious enough to prevent him from working, then it will also be serious enough to entitle him to some level of PIP (and possibly other benefits).

He can get help to apply, through organisations such as the CAB. He should seek and accept such help to apply as, I gather, it can be tricky applying.

If his illness really isn't serious enough to prevent him from working, then I think the support you give him should be to find some level of paying work, rather than giving him financial support.

Shouldbedoing · 13/04/2019 23:23

And there you have your grounds for divorce. You deserve a better life without that sort of exploitation.

MitziK · 13/04/2019 23:23

Report your card lost. They'll put an immediate stop on it.

Then kick the useless piece of shit out to inflict himself upon somebody else.

DeaflySilence · 13/04/2019 23:24

Crossposted with this v v v

"Cocklodger, abuser, scrounger, nutter, arsehole, bastard, idiot, man child, defective, lazy, entitled, work shy, scum, dole boy, brain damaged, stoner, mummy's boy, druggie, violent, runner from responsibility."

End your marriage.

RosaWaiting · 13/04/2019 23:25

oh FFS OP

if you had said "won't work" in the title, it would have made more sense.

I thought he was dying from the way you talked about him in your updates.

people make choices. you still have good choices open to you.

MsVestibule · 13/04/2019 23:26

Really, why are you still with him? Do you own a house together, even if it had no/negative equity? If somebody told you that you absolutely had to leave, how would you do it? Do you earn enough to rent a studio flat? Do you have dependent children?

RUOKHUN · 13/04/2019 23:30

OP, you are clearly extremely unhappy. You need to leave.

stanski · 13/04/2019 23:36

What positive IS he bringing to your life? If doesn't seem like it's much.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 13/04/2019 23:38

Why would you stay with that for 30 years!?
Don't waste any more time.

Coyoacan · 13/04/2019 23:41

It is never too late to leave an unhappy marriage. My friend was 71 when she decided to leave her husband and she has never looked back.

SpinneyHill · 13/04/2019 23:41

Why did you describe him as too helpless to leave if he's abusive and violent, that sound's like you've been manipulated into seeing him as the victim.
Are you scared of leaving him?
You sound miserable and full of resentment, send him to his mum. The debt will be there either way as he's not paying it off but with just you, at least repayments won't be a guessing game.

Jynxed · 13/04/2019 23:50

If you detest him that much, why haven’t you left him?

Cherrysoup · 13/04/2019 23:53

You CAN leave him. Why wouldn't you? Why are you staying?

Serin · 14/04/2019 00:04

Is he threatening to kill himself if you leave?

StillMe1 · 14/04/2019 00:09

I am so sorry to read your story.
I could have been you but I got out over 25 years ago.
I had children he did not bother with them or pay maintenance.
I blew out made a better job of my life than he did.

I think he is trying to lean on the kids. It is their decision. I hope that they are smarter than that but alas and alack they have partners just like the OP's
In fact I did wonder if the OP could have been one of them but the time scale does not fit.

PickAChew · 14/04/2019 00:12

Why can't he work? Cocklodger, abuser, scrounger, nutter, arsehole, bastard, idiot, man child, defective, lazy, entitled, work shy, scum, dole boy, brain damaged, stoner, mummy's boy, druggie, violent, runner from responsibility.

Don't walk away. Run. He is absolutely the clone of my ex.

PickAChew · 14/04/2019 00:13

And my ex would have threatened to kill himself, but I didn't give him the chance. See the bit where he did the same in another relationship.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/04/2019 00:16

Take your card back as you are worried that if you have fraud on your account you will be found liable for it as you have shared your PIN.

Open a second account with him and give him an allowance.

Then leave him. He is sucking the life out of you.