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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends all my money - please advise.

115 replies

tararabumdeay · 13/04/2019 22:13

He's got my card to go shopping everyday. It's his only responsibility and hobby. He can't work due to illness. I work full time and we live on my salary.

I track everything with my online bank account but I don't always get an answer to what's that £7 spent on when there's nothing to show?
It feels rotten and cruel to keep asking - not to give him some leeway to have a life while I'm at work.

It's only a few quid a day but we're in debt mainly due to his utter refusal to comply to anything and my stupidity to allow this ridiculous attitude to money.

So, here's the question... Should I take my card back and give him a set amount every day? If I do that he'll secrete the change and spend it on stuff for himself. He'll get nasty if I ask for it.

It might sound silly but I try to save/not spend a quid a day for a trip to the theatre once a year. I cant remember ever spending more than £10 on myself for years.

What should I do?

He has the card and I can tack spending but no real answers about what it's spent on...
Money in envelope and no change?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 00:20

Cancel the card. Leave him. If he is all those things you describe then you are better off without him. So what if he's weak. He's not your problem. He's an adult and will have to take responsibility for himself.

Iflyaway · 14/04/2019 00:23

Why are you even in this relationship??

I'm sorry, that sounds harsh.

Please don't sacrifice your health and happiness for someone who doesn't care about you....

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 14/04/2019 00:23

brain damaged? how?

LovelyJubbly67 · 14/04/2019 00:34

@Gazelda
" presume you consider your salary as family income, so he has the right to spend as he wishes." I you fucking joking?!? since when one of the spouses has the right to spend as he/she wishes? the word "family" income should be a hint.

Holidayshopping · 14/04/2019 00:36

Why are you with him?

Badtasteflump · 14/04/2019 00:40

I am also wondering about the brain damaged comment. If he genuinely has brain damage then it’s a very sad situation, particularly as you seem to have zero compassion for him.

If you’re just using it as a derogatory term, that’s really bad form and you need to stop.

LovelyJubbly67 · 14/04/2019 00:45

Get the hell out

Blondebakingmumma · 14/04/2019 00:47

I’m afraid it sounds like you don’t want to be with him

LovelyJubbly67 · 14/04/2019 00:47

I think it's clear from the context that "brain damage" refers to his drug taking, not some unfortunate accident or ilness. so no need to start getting so protective.

RSAcre · 14/04/2019 00:52

but it is also financially abusive to keep someone short of money.

Erm ... surely it's the DH who is keeping the OP short of money - by overspending, refusing to account for it, & getting arsey if she dares question him!

TanMateix · 14/04/2019 00:53

The way it worked with my exH was to get all our income into a joint account from which bills were paid and from there pay each of us the same allowance for personal expenses into separate accounts. He was still spending his allowance very quickly while mine was piling up to be used for extraordinar expenses and holidays but at least the money to cover the day to day living expenses was safe.

LittlePaintBox · 14/04/2019 00:54

You're in danger of him running up more debts if he has access to your bank details. You really need to stop him using your card immediately. Checking up on what he's spent isn't going to do much to pay off your debt and avoid more debt.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/04/2019 01:09

Too bad if he gets nasty! I'd cancel the fucking card and go with AtSea's suggestion

Agreed. Since when is shopping a viable hobby, especially when you're in debt? As for getting nasty if you ask for the card - hes out of order.

A few pounds a day adds up quickly.

Why does he need to be in the shops every day anyway?

Gingernaut · 14/04/2019 01:14

You clearly hate him and yet you're guilt tripped into staying.

Too weak for you to leave him?

You'll clearly survive without him.

woolduvet · 14/04/2019 01:21

I'd get the shopping on my way home, tbh I'd get him to leave and then you'll be able to sort your debt properly.

Badtasteflump · 14/04/2019 01:26

Lovely you’re probably right, doesn’t mean it’s ok to use that term though.

AlunWynsKnee · 14/04/2019 01:43

He will cope if you leave him. He'll tell you he can't but he will. And if he doesn't then it's his own fault for pissing the last 30 years up the wall. You can decide he isn't your responsibility. That's OK You don't have to support a lone adult.

lambychops · 14/04/2019 08:42

I thought he was ill from what you posted. It’s quite obvious you should divorce at this stage however it definitely doesn’t sound like you’re going to. You sound like my mum. Except she’s quite controlling and can’t let go of ‘helping’ my dad.
Both of you are stuck in this misery and there’s something you can do about it. Perhaps look to move out even for two weeks and drive him to the job centre and say they can assess him and you’ll be there to help him but you can’t do this anymore.

lambychops · 14/04/2019 08:43

Oh and he will 100% cope if you leave him but I suspect you know that and can’t hate the thought you’ve wasted all this time about it.
You do deserve a life. Go and get it

lambychops · 14/04/2019 08:43

Can’t bare*

LakieLady · 14/04/2019 09:29

Leave him. He's abusive and making you very unhappy.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/04/2019 09:53

OP, can I be blunt? Stop being a martyr. There are no extra "good person" points you will earn by continuing to support this person for whom you have nothing but contempt.

You say he is "too weak" for you to be able to leave him. Bullshit. It is you who will not walk away - you are voluntarily staying in this toxic, codependant relationship because you like feeling hard done by and put upon. With a partner this lazy, unpleasant and grasping, how could you appear anything other than a Saint?

Break this cycle and end your relationship. You are wasting your life attempting to fix this situation.

Karwomannghia · 14/04/2019 09:56

Sounds like you’ve ended your life choices to enable his, put yourself first, he’s been doing it for long enough!

0nTheEdge · 14/04/2019 10:21

I couldn't live like this. It sounds like you can't either. Is this all that that you want from life? Do you want be stuck with him forever? If you leave it might be the push he needs to sort himself out a bit. Or he will rot but it would be his own decision and he would not be inflicting misery on you. Either way, your life would probably be much happier.

OneStepSideways · 14/04/2019 10:26

Why isn't he getting sick pay or PIP or universal credit?

I think you need to take your card back and give him a set amount each week, what you can afford. Then don't ask him to declare what he's used it for, everyone needs some dignity.