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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't call or refer to your parents-in-law as Mum and Dad

153 replies

PocaMiseria · 13/04/2019 21:17

One of my brothers calls his wife's parents Mum and Dad. We come from a close family and our parents are still together ..... I find this weird and disrespectful to our parents.
DB's wife calls our parents Joe and Freda.... I call my DH's parents Bob and Maggie (and he calls my DPs Joe and Freda) and our sister also uses given names rather than "Mum and Dad" for her in-laws.
AIBU ? I would hate for my kids to be calling another woman "Mum"!
(The idea for this question came from the thread about step parents being called Mum and Dad....)

OP posts:
BetsyBigNose · 13/04/2019 23:48

I call my MIL and her husband by their first names, but I call my FIL (DH's parents are divorced) 'Dad'. FIL instigated it, for example he'll phone and say "Hi Betsy, it's Dad here," or when he texts me, he'll sign off "Love Dad". I find it a bit weird myself. When I'm with him in person I'll call him Dad if it's just us, my DH and our DDs, but I wouldn't dream of calling him Dad if his other children (my BILs and SIL) were there - I fear I'd get some very strange looks - he immediately becomes 'Matthew' in their presence! Hmm

DH calls my parents by their first names, although my DM is pretty universally referred to as 'Nanny', whether the DDs are about or not! Smile

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2019 00:01

I would never call my in-laws mum and dad, even if they asked. Not in a million years. They are NOT my mum and dad.

NunoGoncalves · 14/04/2019 00:02

It's just a cultural thing isn't it?

notacooldad · 14/04/2019 00:10

It's just a cultural thing isn't it?
What culture?
I'm White British and it was expected of me to refere to MIL as mum and was really offended that I didn't and took the issue up with my mum!

agnurse · 14/04/2019 00:17

In Canada it's what we do. Hubby calls my parents Mom and Dad and I call MIL and SFIL Mum and Dad. FIL used to be Pops but due to his behaviour he is now Granddad Who We Don't See.

NunoGoncalves · 14/04/2019 00:20

What culture? I'm White British and it was expected of me to refere to MIL as mum and was really offended that I didn't and took the issue up with my mum

Well presumably within some white British cultures then? I wouldn't assume it's restricted to just one culture in the whole world. I do know some Asians and some Eastern Europeans that do it though.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2019 00:23

Just to add... I don't refer to my PILS as mum and dad when I'm talking about them...only if I'm addressing them.

My Fil signs my birthday card from Dad [his surname].

Teddybear45 · 14/04/2019 00:28

Not all Asians will refer to their in-laws as mum / dad either. Often Aunty / Uncle is used as the english aunt/uncle is a seperate term from the actual aunt/uncle relationship names (most Asian cultures have different names for your the aunts/uncles on maternal and paternal sides and names will vary depending on the age of the aunt / uncle in relation to the parent they are related to).

Referring to your in-laws as mum / dad really depends on the individual, not the background or race.

JessieMcJessie · 14/04/2019 00:52

I call PILs by their first names but only if I absolutely have to use a form of address, and I always feel weirdly grown up when I do it.

In the same vein, BIL has started calling me “Sis”, and that is sweet but feels very weird.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 14/04/2019 00:59

You do whatever works. I have two good friends who refer to their MILs as 'Mum'. Both lost their own mothers whilst very young and are close to their MILs. In addition, one of the MIL's lost her only daughter in early childhood and her relationship with her DIL is very close.

Gillian1980 · 14/04/2019 01:07

I call my MIL Mum, but perhaps it doesn’t feel odd because my mum died when I was tiny so I’ve never really had one.

White British, 39, from the west country if that’s relevant.

PregnantSea · 14/04/2019 08:17

It's just personal preference/culture. I wouldn't do it but I think it's fine for others to do it.

alwaysreadthelabel · 14/04/2019 08:23

My mum and dad called their respective inlaws mum and dad. I just call my MIL by her first name and so does my partner to my mum.

AfterLaughter · 14/04/2019 08:25

My Grandparents called their in laws Mum and Dad. My (step) Mum calls my Grandparents Mum and Dad - but she’s been NC with her own parents for decades and adores my Grandparents. I also call my Step Mum - Mum. Again NC with my own mother for over a decade.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/04/2019 08:27

I do because they're like a second set of parents to me.

Iamclearlyamug · 14/04/2019 08:27

Often a cultural thing - I call my Turkish partners parents Mum and Dad, it would be considered the height of rudeness to use their given names

HonniBee · 14/04/2019 08:28

My DH's home language is not English, so I sometimes call his parents mum and dad in their language. But mostly I use first names.

headinhands · 14/04/2019 08:29

I call my mil mum, I wouldn't mind my dc calling their mil mum. Why would a well adjusted adult get upset about that?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/04/2019 08:30

In a lot of cultures it would would be considered offensive not to call in-laws mum and dad.

Turkish people for example give huge importance to this, as well as other family members addressing. It would be seen as disrespectful to not address family members formally.

headinhands · 14/04/2019 08:32

I find this so odd when people call their in laws mum and dad and to be honest I think it’s usually done by lower class people

Yep, that's me 😂

MrsCollinssettled · 14/04/2019 08:32

My mum and BIL have a really good relationship. They refer to themselves as Milly and Silly.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/04/2019 08:34

I married my husband (who isn't Turkish) over 10 years ago, however I am still called Gelin to some of our Turkish friends and family.

Dh lived in Turkey and his parents still live in Turkey. We all speak Turkish.

PositiveVibez · 14/04/2019 08:36

and to be honest I think it’s usually done by lower class people

Twat spot alert!

SileneOliveira · 14/04/2019 08:36

My own parents called the inlaws "mum and dad". Agree that it's probably partly a generational thing, and partly a cultural thing.

My parents also made us refer to our friends' parents as Mrs Brown or Mrs Smith, not "Karen's mum" or their first names. We were never allowed to use adults' first names when we were kids. All very weird. All my kids' friends use my first name, and my kids wouldn't dream of calling a frriend's mother "Mrs Whatever".

OopsOhNoZHM · 14/04/2019 08:37

When I was with my ex I would refer to my FIL as Dad, and we had an ongoing joke of me calling him Daddy [name], but I wouldn’t have straight up called him Dad to his face, and I don’t have parents. I think at one point I had ex’s mum listed as my mother on Facebook, that was changed 😂
If you’re uncomfortable with referring to them as mum and dad, there’s no harm in using their names, and vice versa.