To think you don't call or refer to your parents-in-law as Mum and Dad

[PocaMiseria]

One of my brothers calls his wife's parents Mum and Dad. We come from a close family and our parents are still together ..... I find this weird and disrespectful to our parents.
DB's wife calls our parents Joe and Freda.... I call my DH's parents Bob and Maggie (and he calls my DPs Joe and Freda) and our sister also uses given names rather than "Mum and Dad" for her in-laws.
AIBU ? I would hate for my kids to be calling another woman "Mum"!
(The idea for this question came from the thread about step parents being called Mum and Dad....)

I don't.

I studiously avoid calling my PIL anything tbh. I'd never ever call them mum and dad, but their given names seem a bit intimate too.

Me too. I wouldn't know what to call them at all, just say hello and start talking! I call them 'your mum and dad' to DH! I struggle to refer to DH to them too because he uses his shortened name and they use his full name. I feel strange using his full name but it doesn't feel right using his shortened name to them when they don't...overthinking it of course!! Anyway, we all barely use names except for DH who calls his mother Phyllis even though that's not her name.

Pressed send to soon.

I also don’t think it’s a lower class issue either. That’s a quite a statement to make?

It is a thing though. My mum called my dad’s parents mum and dad, dad called her mum, mum. (Her dad had died). I sort of assumed I would do the same as that is what I grew up with but I didn’t in the end - I was in my 30s when I got married so it seemed weird.

I am from Eastern Europe and I call my MIL mama because she is endlessly kind and gave years of her life to supporting our family and her grandchildren. She's been a godsend and she just wouldn't have it any other way. She is like a mum to me and I am very lucky to have her in my life. I probably wouldn't call someone mum if this person only visited us every now and again as is often the case in many British families. I hope that my parents are happy that we have a close relationship although it is possible that they are also jealous.

I've always called mine MIL and FIL - sometimes causes confusion in company particularly with FIL - people look confused as they know him as Ken. But it's worked for us for 30 odd years and they always refer to themselves as Mil and FIL in cards etc - i think they find or quite endearing!

@CherryCool Depends which area. I'm of Asian descent and none of our lot have ever done this.

My parents did this with my grandparents. Think it’s generational. My in laws have passed away now but it was always first names. I have a friend from the Caribbean who also refers to my parents as Mum and Dad, perhaps because first names don’t feel right to him. In any case it’s very sweet and neither my parents nor I mind.

Is there a cultural reason? My mum calls her in laws - my grandparents - mum & dad because my dad is Indian & it’s seen as disrespectful to call any elder by their first name alone so everyone older (whether they’re related to you or not) is aunty or uncle & in the case of in laws, mum & dad. My grandparents also refer to my mum as daughter rather than just her first name.

Likewise though, my dad respects my mum’s culture so he calls everyone in her family by their first names as that’s their normal, even though it feels odd to him.

No, I use first names. They always say "love you" when signing off on the phone and I think they're just used to me saying "bye" in response . I don't say I love you to my parents on the phone!!

DH uses first names with my parents. Also my parents are in new relationships so would be a bit odd for DH to call my mum, mum, and her partner by his first name when he doesn't have a mum or dad relationship with either of them IYSWIM. Ok for me as mum is my mum and her partner is a man I didn't grow up around, so I use his first name.

It might be different if we lived very close to PIL and had a regular, close relationship with them. But we live miles away, see them a few times a year and although they are lovely, they aren't supporting me in a parental way and I'm not there in a daughter capacity with them either.

Each to their own, but it’s not for me, I find it too odd.

My own MIL asked me outright if I was going to call her mum after my wedding. I’ve since learned she must just love awkward conversations, she can’t seem to stop herself.

My dad called the in laws mum and dad, but I don't think my mum did it with his... don't know why not.

I'm a MIL and would find it odd if my SIL, whom I am very fond of, called me Mum.

Where I’m from it would be considered the height of disrespect (and a sign of a poor upbringing) to call someone a generation older than you by their first names, let alone your your parents-in-law. You happily say mother (-in-law) and father (-in-law) but the move to mum and dad seems to flummox you. Some people do it as a sign of affection, some as a sign of respect, others to fit in. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.

Interestingly, (to me, anyway) I notice some British people are very strict about how familial terms are used, so Aunty where there is no genetic link is frowned upon, except where their trans sisters and siblings are concerned. I think it may be the only area where people are warmer and more informal.

My parents always called each other's parents Mum & Dad, it's not disrespectful, just isn't really that common now. I call mine by their names

I call them by their first names - I think it would be weird to call them mum and dad.

Other cultures are different though. My African friends would always call my parents auntie and uncle. And I called their parents the same.

My DS was astonished to hear me call the mother of my friend 'auntie' when we went to a party at her house.

Dh calls my parents mum and dad. I call his mum 'ma'

Does it offend your parents? I can't imagine parents old enough to be in-laws being offended by something like this... it's not the same as your young child calling another woman mum

I don't know anyone in my generation that refers to their in laws as Mum or Dad.

I know a lot of people that are my parents age that call their ILs Mum or Dad. Unsure why. Perhaps it was a generational respect thing.

But I would never call anyone other than my parents Mum or Dad.

DH and I would use our in laws first names but occasionally I will jokingly call FIL 'dad' My own dad is deceased.

@CherryCool, this has brought back fun memories!

DH is Asian and after we married, I asked how I should call his parents. They don’t use first names in his culture, so I was expecting they would want me to call them Mum and Dad and was fine with that.

They had a think, then came back saying they wanted me to use their titles and last name. But here’s the catch - they are both doctors. So my conversation around the dining table would sound like this:

Me: Dr Tamotharampillai (not real name but similar length), would you like some rice? And you, Dr Tamotharampillai? Dr Tamotharampillai, would you like tea? And you, Dr Tamotharampillai? How was your day Dr Tamotharampillai? And what about you, Dr Tamotharampillai ?

Fortunately after DCs were born I cut short to that nonsense and now call them grandma and grandpa in their language.

My parents called their in-laws mum/dad. They got together when they were 15 and 18 though so not sure if this makes a difference.
I never have though

No o call them by their first names much to my MILs disdain. Apparently it would be ‘proper’ for me to call her Mum.

I dont think so.

@BorisBadunov, that's hilarious. So formal and such a mouthful too!

My family do this but i struggled so called the inlaws their first name until the grandchildren arrived and now i tend to say 'grandpa' even when its just me. First names dont seem enough considering their role in my family. We do the friends are called 'auntie' though.

My DGM told me the first time my DD called her mum it made her skin crawl -thanks for that! I really didn’t need to know you disproved of my father that much. (My parents are divorced but still very friendly and we all have Xmas dinner together)

Whereas my DH aunt was mortally offended that I never referred to her as aunt B as he did. I incredulously asked ‘why would I when I have my own auntys?’ But seemingly It was disrespectful to just call her by her name as, because I was now married, I should also have referred to her as Aunt B as he did- bonkers! Although I do wonder if it is a ‘class’ thing. The aunt was stuck up, had elocution lessons and insisted DH did too because she thought she was better than anyone else and everyone was beneath her.

Maybe it’s a regional/generational thing.

The calling inlaws mum/dad thing certainly isn’t very common now & my inlaws are perfectly happy me calling them by their actual names.