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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relative receiving benefits although able to work

167 replies

Radiator23 · 13/04/2019 16:01

Hi, I hope someone can help with a crisis of conscience and also practical advice.

A relative receives benefits and lives in a council flat (just her) in a village near my family and does not work. About 25 years ago she had mental health problems and was very ill. Since then she has had all the help the NHS and DWP have to offer and for several years (I’d say about 10) has certainly been well enough to do some work, even part time in a shop or something.

She does no volunteering, gets subsidised travel, arts and music classes, gym membership, has some sort of support worker to show her life skills (although she can manage perfectly well, she is 45 and in excellent physical health).

She can drive but chooses not to, and is constantly asking other family members to give her lifts, take her to family events, generally go out of our way, as well as also being unwilling to solve her own minor home problems, eg. calling a repairman, connecting TV to broadband. She joins her parents on holiday several times a year - they pay for everything.

She has quite a nice life really (sorry this is probably sounding a bit bitter). Other adult family members have had their own health problems over the years but still worked when able. My view is you pay into the system when you can and take when you really need to. Everyone is getting a bit fed up with this person but no-one will say anything to her. It makes family get-togethers very awkward.

I keep reading about how awful those work assessments are and wonder how on earth she can still be receiving benefits when people who are physically disabled and suffering life limiting illnesses are being told they are fit for work. However I have no direct experience of the system so perhaps there is something I don’t understand.

Any advice on either dealing with this, approaching the relevant agency, or tackling it with her, or just learning not to care would be really helpful. I don’t think this counts as benefit fraud, but I have seen her play up the severity of her situation when questioned on it by others so I would not put it past her to do the same with external organisations. I think she does it to defend her lifestyle but cannot see that doing some work would help her as well as be the right thing to do by society.

OP posts:

RomanyQueen1 · 13/04/2019 16:16

Poor woman, seems like she gets no help from you.

CarolDanvers · 13/04/2019 16:16

You horrible person. Leave her alone ffs!

Mrsjayy · 13/04/2019 16:16

Which of her benefits would you like to cut ? Maybe her therapy should be stopped that would teach her get her motivated to get a job eh, you are not qualified to decide what anybody can do honestly put your energy into something else

NoBaggyPants · 13/04/2019 16:18

You’re going to get flamed on here but I do believe that benefits are a safety net and not a hammock.

Some people need that 'hammock' to stop them becoming severely ill. Some can appear perfectly well because they're living a basic existence because anything more than that will send them into crisis. And they're entitled to benefits, for ESA there is a specific category for those who do not tick the normal descriptors but for whom work would present a serious risk to either themselves or others.

Managing a long term mental health condition is like living on a tightrope. One step outside that very narrow path and you're in free fall again.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 13/04/2019 16:21

One of my friends was accused of being well enough to work. She wasn't. She didn't confide how much she struggled to her family as they were unsympathetic. She had good days and bad days; no one saw her on the bad days.

She killed herself last year. She didn't want to 'be a burden' - words her loving family used.

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/04/2019 16:23

I look perfectly "fine and normal", and able to cope, yet sometimes don't get dressed, or leave the house for weeks on end.
I'm also having heart surgery next week, no one would have a clue.
My heart condition isn't the biggest health ussue I have either.
You're a judgemental horror, though I well believe it because not a single member of my family bother with me either, not a career having go-getter you see, and single Mum to boot.
Luckily I have amazing friends who are there for me 100%, as I am for them too.

RuffleCrow · 13/04/2019 16:23

When you say 'benefits' what exactly does she receive?

Most benefits now are actually claimed by people in work.

If she's receiving PIP or ESA she will have automatically been through a rigorous face to face assessment process and disclosed a lot of very personal information you wouldn't necessarily be privy to. I have seen people turned down with serious physical health conditions, so you don't need to worry, she won't be receiving anything she's not entitled to. And if she is, she'll probably be called upon for assessment very shortly and lose it because everyone on DLA over 16 is being moved over to PIP which has a much more rigorous application process.

DovePetal · 13/04/2019 16:24

Your life must be very empty for you to be riddled with such jealousy and bitterness over someone with so little. The lifts thing is annoying though, I’ll give you that.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2019 16:26

Report her, let them reassess her.

Caselgarcia · 13/04/2019 16:27

Look at things from her perspective, I'm sure you wouldn't want her life?
I couldn't survive on disability benefits and do sympathise with those that do. I'm fortunate to be able to choose where I live, I can afford a car and can choose where I go on holiday. Maybe she hates asking relatives for lifts? Maybe she hates living in her flat, maybe she would love a house and garden. Maybe she hates living alone and would love a close family? Maybe she would love to get a job but doesn't feel confident enough to cope. Maybe she hates holidaying with her parents and would like to go somewhere or her choosing with people of her choosing?
Don't judge her until you have walked in her shoes.

NoBaggyPants · 13/04/2019 16:29

@BumbleBeee69 Have you any idea of the number of people who attempt and even succeed in ending their lives because of the stress of the assessment process?

Springiscomingsoon · 13/04/2019 16:29

I think you have to trust in the system here. Surely her support worker would spot if she didn't need all this help?
She may appear well because she is getting all this support. The minute it is removed she may spiral downhill.
It isn't the same as someone on benefits who claim they can't walk but you know they are really running the marathon at the weekend.

Flaxmeadow · 13/04/2019 16:30

...crisis of conscience

How would your conscience feel if she was forced back into work and it caused her to have another serious mental breakdown?
Her illness is between herself, her medical team and work capability assessors. It is none of your business

A close realtive of mine has a serious long term mental illness but she bravely still manages to appear functional and well to those who don't really know her. I do know her and have witnessed her deep dark depressions first hand. They can last days or even weeks. But unfortunatly there will always be some busy body in the local supermarket or street, pointing at her and gossiping on the days she is well enough to brush her hair, get out of house and buy a pint of milk and a loaf of bread. I've even seen her in the local pub on occasion, with half a pint of Carlsberg, talking to people. Yes, actually interacting with other human beings. Gasp!
BTW I also know that the money she gets is a pittance and so doubt that your relative receives half of what you say she does

TheQueef · 13/04/2019 16:31

Get on yourself. It's ace on benefits.

Relative receiving benefits although able to work

DontTouchTheMoustache · 13/04/2019 16:31

Every word of this screams extreme anxiety (as someone with anxiety disorders I can hugely relate). Doesn't drive despite being able to? Probably due to travel anxiety. Cant bring herself to make phone calls to strangers? Social anxiety (i cant do this either). Goes abroad with parents? Clearly at 45 there is a reason for this which is more than likely she cant cope to do it alone and has no close enough friends or partner to support her. Does she have much in tje way of relationships outside of family?

These are just the tiny parts of her mental health issues that you are aware of. You sound as though you are a bit ignorant around mental health issues, a lot of people are but try to take a step back and not get involved in something that you dont understand.

Banhaha · 13/04/2019 16:32

just learning not to care would be really helpful
Everytime you find it bothering you just remind yourself that is really hard to get the level of help she has and that if she didn't need it they would very quickly take it away. The support she has might be why you think she doesn't need help, because it's working.

peoplearepeople · 13/04/2019 16:35

I think you need to be very very thankful that you have never suffered from mental illness op. At best you appear to be very naive as to how this can make people suffer. It's not always something you can see and many sufferers will do their best to ensure you can't see what is truly going on with them.
The benefits that your relative gets are extremely hard to access. They aren't handed out for no reason so there must be some cause for concern there.
You say that she has a "nice life". This has nothing to do with it. Why do you think so many millionaires, rock stars etc with the best of lifestyles still commit suicide? Trust me she isn't living a good life and it's not one you should want or feel envious of.

I think posts like yours really do show how far we still have to come in understanding invisible disabilities. They really are not any "lesser" than physical ones which seem to be your narrow idea of disability.

It might also surprise you to know that it's not as easy as just getting a small part time job or being allowed to even volunteer somewhere if you have a disability of any kind.
Why not look at seeing if you can support your relative in some way instead of judging her?

wigglypiggly · 13/04/2019 16:38

You might find a mindfulness session could help you and your family. Try not to be so judgemental and if you don't want to help her then don't.

Groovee · 13/04/2019 16:40

Pip is a benefit you can receive even if you work. Though it seems to go against people.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 13/04/2019 16:41

You can be assessed for pip, receive it and still work. People need to stop being so judgmental about other people's benefits, and if they deserve them or not.

Gilead · 13/04/2019 16:57

Report her, let them reassess her.
As someone who has to undergo these assessments, they are degrading, demoralising and depressing. In short they're absolute fucking hell.

SweetSummerchild · 13/04/2019 16:58

There are many little things that make life for someone who doesn’t work because of a disability that bit more uncomfortable.

One of them is the constant ‘feeling’ you get that others around you are judging you as not being quite disabled enough. They don’t live your life, they don’t see the struggles you go through every day, but pick and choose aspects of your life to ‘prove’ to themselves that there is nothing wrong with you.

You have just proved that this ‘feeling’ is entirely justified. A large part of society really is made up of judgmental little shits.

Boysey45 · 13/04/2019 16:58

Unless a severe crime is being committed I think its best to concentrate soley on your own business. OP have you really so little going on in your own life that you have to be bothered about what this lady is getting from the benefits?
You know what I have learned in my 49 years on this earth is that you never know whats going on in someone elses life and also that very little is what is seems as well.
I think unless you have had a bad episode of mental ill health its still difficult to really understand how bad things can get for people. Take steps to educate yourself OP and do something constructive for yourself to take your mind off this.

LovelyJubbly67 · 13/04/2019 16:59

sorry you are being flamed OP. for what it's worth, I think YANBU at all. I don't know in this particular case whether your relative is abusing the benefits system, but those who do - it's not a "victimless crime", everyone else is paying for them.

Springisallaround · 13/04/2019 17:05

Really? I have a family member with MH problems and they get none of this, have to pay full council tax rates and their benefits have been cut. If it weren't for our family giving them money every now and again, they would be extremely poor (although they do work a small amount as allowed by the system). I just don't believe this, it isn't like that any more and neither is getting any of the PIP or other assessed benefits, in fact, several reports have been written on how unfair they are for those with even severe mental health issues as they don't score high enough on points. Bull.

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