AIBU- how do you treat men trying it on?

[wwydoo]

A week ago I was staying at a hotel in Manchester with my boyfriend, we woke up thirsty so I went to Tesco Express to fetch some things. Whilst sitting on a bench waiting for it to open a guy approached me. He extended his hand out for a handshake but I refused it and was called a "fucking bitch". I felt safe as there were plenty of people around.

I always just ignore random men on the street, even if they are just saying "hello". I was discussing this with friends over dinner and was genuinely surprised that a couple of them said they do engage to avoid "escalation". Not the approach I have AT ALL.

AIBU what you do?

Someone saying hello or morning, I usually respond to. A stranger randomly trying ti shake hands I usually avoid as generally I find they are either chuggers or have MH issues. And yes I know that is a sweeping generalisation but just my experience. I have never had someone who is trying it on do so by a handshake.

He thought he was being "smooth"

I respond to people saying hello, I wouldn't be comfortable with physical contact.

I most often ignore it and sometimes get insulted. Generally I play it by ear. A very well mannered total stranger once approached, asked my name, introduced himself and extended his hand, I shook it, straightaway he asked if I wanted to go out sometime and I said no (because he was a complete stranger, had approached me out of nowhere and I didn’t know if he was a chancer or not). He was fine with it and when, years later, a relative of his who knew me “introduced” us and told him to ask for my number he was very gracious and didn’t put any pressure on me.

I have been asked if I’m married or have a boyfriend by strange men, as in literally walk up to me and say “are you married?” and I used to say No and act embarrassed. Now I confidently say “For what reason are you asking me such a personal question?” and I’ve only ever had the answer “because I thought you and I could go for a coffee” or something along those lines. Unless I feel in danger, I say “It’s none of your business and I don’t think it’s appropriate to approach a total stranger and start asking personal questions. I want you to stay away.”

I have to make it clear, these are total strangers, almost always significantly older men (sometimes old enough to be a dad or grandad) and not in a venue that you’d expect to be approached like a club or social setting. I’m talking in the street or in a public place.

I normally ignore but do find they tend to then shout abuse.

This never happens to me

I became middle aged! 😂😂 Seriously, it happens a lot less frequently these days. When it does, I am brisk, smiley and efficient in heading them off. It's kind of ironic that it took getting to the age where I am largely ignored to develop the attitude that I have no fucks to give and will deal with unwanted attention the same as I would an unwanted email. But take it from an old bird, that's the attitude you need to adopt. It's hard when you're in the thick of it (attention) though.

The polite 'morning' 'hello' chat I respond to. With the creepy, boundary pushing weirdos I usually just tell them that they are bothering me. I've been doing it for a couple of years and it works with most, I think they are too shocked to carry on the creepiness.

@keepforgettingmyusername I think it’s dependent on where you live, if you walk a lot or use public transport and if you are a certain “type”.

I live in a very rough Northern town with a lot of antisocial behaviour on the street. I’m a very conservative, very feminine dresser and I look like I can’t defend myself and very approachable looking. I am the type that gets utter strangers stopping me on the streets and telling me their entire life story.

When I’ve lived in different areas, the behaviour has been much rarer and when I dress differently or put a bitchy resting face on it doesn’t happen. I do get told to “smile love” though.

I usually have my headphones in so that deters many/most of the passing 'chancers'. I'm not necessarily playing music but the visible headphones seem to work as a deterrent.

Recently I've had 2 separate instances when a man came and sat on the same bench/picnic table as me in the park despite there being plenty of other available benches/tables. Both times their behaviour came across as odd and slightly intimidating. I blanked them, finished what I was doing (eating or checking my emails) and then moved elsewhere.

It irritates me that I felt I had to move but I didn't want to engage with them, and a confrontation is a little risky as a lot of the park users in my area are addicts and can be unpredictable. One of the parks is particularly rough and drug taking can be quite blatant. The police routinely search the bushes in the park for weapons so provoking a stranger is not wise. If I had been somewhere 'naice' (a la Hyde Park), I would have asked them why they'd chosen to sit on my bench/table when they were plenty of empty ones to choose from but I decided discretion was the better part of valour!

I can’t remember the last time I got chatted up by a stranger. I’m 46. I used to get a lot of attention when I was younger. I have become mumsy and therefore invisible.
It never bothered me, if they were polite.

Most people who approach me in the street just want cash

My Resting bitch face means I rarely have to deal with this situation

I wouldn't want to shake hands with a random person because of germs and dirt etc but at least I would smile. Did you give him the look when you refuse? This bloke is nasty calling you name.

I think I mastered the 'don't fuck with me' look many years ago when I lived in some pretty dodgy areas and often had to walk home alone. If I'm walking along, I tend to look unapproachable (as confirmed by someone I know who bumped into me earlier this week lol). It's the Lancastrian version of resting bitch face which I like to call 'got a right gob on'. Being tall and reasonably muscular/fit helps as well I think.

I've noticed that the two recent instances when I was approached were both when I had switched off my 'look' and was having a quiet moment enjoying the smells and sounds of nature in the park. I was just having a 'mindful moment'. Probably why it felt so intrusive when I was interrupted.

Don't Tesco Express open at 6.00am? (Misses point of thread).

Why did you - and not bf- trot off to get the drinks? Agree that random nutter trying to shake hands doesn't sound great, but neither does your bf tbh. Lying in bed whilst you wait for the shop to open?

Next time send him.

Following all of this with interest.

I stopped accepting “handshakes” in those situations, having learnt after being caught out badly. A man incapacitated me, having a hard hold of both my hands and I couldn’t free myself, had been following me and I was in real danger. Only by finally getting my one hand free, making myself look big and aggressive, shouting (falsely) that I was “Polis”, did the man let me go.

Also had other unsettling incidents more recently: a man standing aggressively right over me on a beach insisting it was naturist area and I was “obliged” to take my clothes off! ...and other more unsavoury things... Had to use a loud whistle from my bag, to alert another lady that she was being pursued along a cliff path, and watch the man in pursuit realise that he had been rumbled. Also had go “wave furiously” in recognition at some random holiday makers at the other end of an isolated beach, so that the man who was intimidating me thought that they were my approaching friends!

Trying actively now to develop a strategy to deal with these situations, like pretending to take photos when a know offender reappears....so they walk into shot and they know I have evidence, maybe wear a headcam, looking to purchase some item of fluorescent clothing that I can pull out of my rucksack...that might give them the impression that I am “Polis”....

I should add that I am no young beauty....into my sixties...

I'm very taken so I wouldn't be one of those men approaching you, but.....

If a guy sees you on the street and just thinks to himself that you're the most beautiful person he's ever seen, how would you like him to approach you?

I would never handshake or anything like that.

A right smile “hi” and look away and move away.

I fucking HATE how men think women owe them shit and have to massage their fucked up egos.

I always intervene on public transport when fuck faces are hassling other women.

how would I like him to approach me
You are begging the question here, the question of whether it is appropriate to approach a random stranger, in the street it is not.

I mean really are you suggesting that because someone thinks you are beautiful that means they are entitled to approach you, because they have made a certain assessment of you?

how would I like him to approach me

I wouldn't.

Many years ago, there was a man on a train who gave me a little folded note as he got off the train. He'd written how lovely I was etc and included his phone number. I found this ok. It wasn't intrusive and made me smile.

As I’m older I’m kinder to the ones that seem like they might have a bit of a mental issue. They usually ask ifI’m married and I just say yes, they get all disappointed.
But if you’re just a nob, Itreatyou with disdain. It does not go down well, but they started it by pissing me off with their presence, so hard cheese!