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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- how do you treat men trying it on?

109 replies

wwydoo · 12/04/2019 19:54

A week ago I was staying at a hotel in Manchester with my boyfriend, we woke up thirsty so I went to Tesco Express to fetch some things. Whilst sitting on a bench waiting for it to open a guy approached me. He extended his hand out for a handshake but I refused it and was called a "fucking bitch". I felt safe as there were plenty of people around.

I always just ignore random men on the street, even if they are just saying "hello". I was discussing this with friends over dinner and was genuinely surprised that a couple of them said they do engage to avoid "escalation". Not the approach I have AT ALL.

AIBU what you do?

OP posts:
NottonightJosepheen · 12/04/2019 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fiveredbricks · 12/04/2019 22:01

@Benjimoon that entire question is outright bloody grim.

How about... and just try and think about this a moment... as hard as it may be... that we wouldn't want him to approach us at all??

XingMing · 12/04/2019 22:03

SynchroSwimmer, do you think your age is what puts you at risk of becoming the victim?

Fiveredbricks · 12/04/2019 22:07

I was once punched in the stomach buy a guy and called a "fat ugly cunt" for, get this... refusing to dance with him, OP.

I generally thesedays just say "Can you get out of my personal space, please. Now." And if they falter, I tend to follow it with a crazy glint in my eye showing I mean it, a cheeky grin and "... Or I'll fucking scream".

I'd rather they assumed I was a mental case than worth a grope.

Hearhere · 12/04/2019 22:07

It's always open season on women, if you see one you like the look of well you just have to try and get her don't you 🙄

Absofrigginlootly · 12/04/2019 22:57

If a guy sees you on the street and just thinks to himself that you're the most beautiful person he's ever seen, how would you like him to approach you?

I wouldn’t Hmm

You really need to read this....

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/amp/

Ivamisake · 12/04/2019 23:35

Great link Abso

DeeCeeCherry · 12/04/2019 23:44

I wear earphones even if im not listening to music, and I dont make eye contact. I simply don't want to engage with men on the street, too many are dangerous and entitled, and think you're obliged to respond just because. theyve spoken to you.

Ive heard women being slagged off called ugly, bitch etc for ignoring men hitting on them. Often women are too scared to answer back in case they get a punch.

Dana28 · 13/04/2019 00:43

Christ how deluded are you that you interpret 'hello' or ' morning' as hitting on you!

Sparklesocks · 13/04/2019 01:02

You must’ve been up early if Tesco express wasn’t open!

I think it’s best to be polite but firm with unwanted attention from strangers. But often it’s not chatting up, sometimes it’s asking for cash, sometimes it’s someone with a MH issue, sometimes it’s just someone who is a bit lonely.

Benjimoon · 13/04/2019 01:12

Despite being accused of being grim and having all sorts of nasty backlash, please bear in mind I'm not trying to be rude or awful.

I can't fully empathise because it doesn't happen to men quite as much... but I do understand that having people approach you must be irritating.

What I'm saying is that without introductions happening and without people ever having the guts to say hello and talk to you there would probably be no such thing as relationships. They do after all have to start somewhere.

Perhaps the chap isn't to your taste and you'd prefer it if they didn't try. I get that totally. But that's the whole basis for selection. Some make themselves known to you and you're not keen, some make themselves known and you are keen. If you're not keen then that's your decision. If you are then I suspect you wouldn't be quite so upset about him saying hello.

I don't think saying hello to stranger and asking them about their day etc is necessarily classed as being creepy. I've seen plenty of people being given dating advice being told not to shy away from social situations and not to be scared of greeting people. For people struggling to find someone it's about being friendly, showing people that they want to talk, being bold and making introductions. I just think it's wrong to instantly assume they're a creep.

One caveat I have to this is that I'm from Cornwall, where people greet strangers on the street and talk to randoms all the time so my judgement on this might be rather clouded.

Benjimoon · 13/04/2019 01:26

I've thought of an example....

You're in a public place, you see a guy with Channing Tatum (or insert another miscellaneous hunk here) levels of hotness, he flashes a smile at you and you go all weak at the knees. He comes over and says hi. You're instantly glad he did. Would you be as likely to instantly class him as a creep?

What I'm trying to say is that I think for many people the level of irritation we feel at someone's greeting to us might be directly affected by how attracted to them we might be.

Benjimoon · 13/04/2019 01:36

@Fiveredbricks

Look I'm sorry that happened to you. That type of behaviour is terrible and I would like to think that men like that are in the minority.

However....

"as hard as it may be"

No, it's not hard at all. But read above. I'm not saying for a second that men have an intrinsic right to have a conservation with you, what I'm trying to find out is that how can a man know whether to introduce himself or not? I wrote an example above about a gorgeous hunk..... I think there are some situations in which women really wouldn't mind being approached.

Obviously, and don't get me wrong I get this... If I was a total stinker, hadn't washed for a month and had face tattoos that my introduction might be somewhat intimidating. On the flip side though there might be situations occur in which someone would welcome an introduction might there?

Benjimoon · 13/04/2019 01:56

@NottonightJosepheen

No they're not necessarily a creep. That's my whole point.

You have as much right to say hello to people as anyone else has the right to say hello to you. If it was such a terrible crime it would be illegal.

Two years ago I was on a train platform and I saw a girl of about 20 years of age in a crazy multicoloured outfit with wings. She was wearing DMs that were covered in crazy glitter. I think she might have been on her way to comic con. I walked past, stopped and said "Oh my god you have the greatest DMs I've ever seen". She grinned from ear to ear, said "yeah baby", held up her hand and I high fived her. I walked away and got on with my journey. Was I attracted to her? No. Did I have anything to do with her? No. Did I want anything from her? No. But I did talk to her.

So I guess by your measurement that makes me a creep.

wowsertrousers · 13/04/2019 02:54

I don't get much attention these days but in my younger days if it was friendly I'd usually reply. I found if I didn't, or if i replied negatively, the guy would often get insulting. One time in my early 20s i was whistled at by a group of 5 or 6 guys, probably late 20s, who were sitting outside a cafe. As I got closer a couple of them told me how gorgeous I was and asked was I single. I'd just split up with my boyfriend and really wasn't in the mood so ignored them completely and kept walking. Their appreciative noises quickly stopped and their smiles turned to sneers. Then one of them said 'never mind lads, look, she's got a fucking huge arse' and they all pissed themselves laughing at me as I walked past. Even though objectively i knew that, as a size 8, my bum wasn't 'fucking huge', they gave me a fat arse complex for years. Bastards.

Decormad38 · 13/04/2019 03:06

Turn 52 and look school marmish they never approach you!

KellyW88 · 13/04/2019 03:25

I used to have to walk past our local courthouse on my way to and from work and got some very bizarre (and some downright scary) propositions from some rather unsavoury men. Not loads - just the odd few, but now I have a full on ‘do not engage’ policy as a result. Mine aren’t exactly flattering either, I’m neither here nor there in terms of attractiveness (average I guess?) and they’re usually drunk or much MUCH older than me 😂

Once made the mistake of shaking a random seemingly sweet old mans hand and he kept kissing it and started telling me he had money and could make me very comfortable... even though it was my left hand which meant he could see my engagement and wedding ring! So went no physical contact with any stranger after that (except in job interviews and other professional settings).

BadLad · 13/04/2019 06:42

@HundredMilesAnHour

Did you call him?

TwittleBee · 13/04/2019 06:53

This used to happen a lot to me when I was out and about, not so much now I'm with my toddler of the time.

Those are just saying hello I'd say hello back. I was bought up in a small town where everyone said hello as they passed. Often I'm the first one to say hello as I walk past someone in my new local neighbourhood (older generations think nothing of it and say a friendly hello back but younger generation always ignore). Its just a habit but one I like doing.

But take me out of my neighbourhood setting and I do then feel awkward if someone tried talking to me. I guess as when I'm in town and it's just I assume a role of invisibility within the masses so being approached catches me unaware.

I've found the men that tend to get aggressive are those who shout of "compliments" or try and get too close or physical. Those I 100% always ignore and always try and flee away from straight away. I assume they get aggressive because their ego is damaged in front of a lot of people. Not that it's acceptable!

TwittleBee · 13/04/2019 06:55

Actually I've found coffee shops can be a great place for having a random chit chat with strangers or the barista. My toddler appears to be a magnet for coffee shop conversations (90% It's men too).

SelkieRinnNaMara · 13/04/2019 07:03

Good article linked.

OneStepSideways · 13/04/2019 07:07

I just respond in a friendly way, I say good morning and smile but decline the handshake (pretend to be in a rush). I don't assume they're being flirtatious just because they're male, sometimes people are just lonely and seeking human contact.

Pinotjo · 13/04/2019 07:29

I made the mistake of shaking someone's hand, took me by surprise/didn't want to appear rude. He wouldn't let me go, then he cornered me, made innapropriate comments. This was at work, no one else around, I was scared, didn't handle it well, afterwards I was embarressed/annoyed at myself. Reported it to a male manager, turned it into a workplace joke. Some men just don't get how their behaviour impacts on woman

JacquesHammer · 13/04/2019 07:39

If a guy sees you on the street and just thinks to himself that you're the most beautiful person he's ever seen, how would you like him to approach you?

I wouldn’t.

And your example makes it even worse benji - I don’t want random men thinking they’re entitled to hit on me, period. Their attraction has nothing to do with it - why do I need to know what they feel about me?

YANBU OP.

cookiedoughorbust · 13/04/2019 08:15

Can benjimoon stop thinking about himself as the base example of men?
Although his indignance and insistence that he’s “not the guy” we are all referring to sort of proves how hard it is to get men to understand that overall women don’t want random men in their space
Benjimoon how about you’re in a public toilet with your knob out having a piss, and another guy thinks you’re gorgeous and it’s the best knob he’s seen, and introduces himself to you to get to know you better? That ok by you? Also imagine this started happening when you’reabout 12. Old guys, young guys, groups of guys, mental guys, drugged up guys, guys twice your height and weight, imagine it happens at least once a month.