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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand the obsession of taking a baby off their mother?

147 replies

SinkTerranium · 12/04/2019 13:44

I have a 3 month old. I feel like I’ve spent the last 3 months either trying to tear my baby off other people, or constantly telling people no to leaving him with them.

I am more than happy for people to visit and give him cuddles. I am also more than happy to take him to relatives’ houses and let them cuddle/play with him, whatever. If they want to take him for a walk in the pram while I hang some washing out, fine. What I am not happy with is people not handing him back over when I ask (because he needs feeding or nappy changed or a sleep). Yesterday I had my arms out asking for my baby back so I could feed, and was told ‘oh no I don’t think he needs it’.

MIL also keeps strongly suggesting I leave him with her for days/nights for a ‘break’. A break from what? From spending time with this baby that I completely adore and miss as soon as he’s asleep? I didn’t spend 9 months throwing up, barely able to walk and constantly exhausted growing this baby just for him to be shipped off to any Tom, Dick or Harry as soon as he’s here. Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.

I know I kind of am BU. I’m not one of these attachment parents at all, honestly, I’m really not. I love seeing him having cuddles from my friends and relatives, and it’s lovely seeing so many people love him. I just really like being in the company of my child, is that so bad? And while it is important that he builds bonds with these people, it is more important that he is fed properly and allowed to sleep.

I know there is probably going to be a time when I’m biting off my arms to find some childcare for him, but that time isn’t here yet, and I don’t want to spend all my time being made to feel guilty for not letting other people care for him without me.

OP posts:

OnlineAlienator · 14/04/2019 08:39

YANBU, i had the same with my DM and MIL - both desperate to get extensive 'alone time', both thinking i was doing everything wrong, me finding it all fine actually and not needing 'a break'

mrshousty · 14/04/2019 09:06

I knew it was going to be mil. Mine is 5 months old and my ds is 5 years old! I think they just want to help but they come across the wrong way.

I'm also guessing your an 'older' parent?

I'm exactly the same. It's my job to look after babies why would I want someone else to do it .

Plus I think mils just want to show them off.

If offering a 'break' tell them you don't need one right now but if you do then you'll let them know. Or ask them to come to you and you can sleep OR ring them in middle of night and ask for help 😄 if you really want to shut them up

CommonFishDiseases · 14/04/2019 09:07

YANBU. Please follow your instincts. Your baby is lucky to have you.

SurfingGiantess · 14/04/2019 09:39

YANBU at all! I'm the same with mine. I love spending time with them and others might be glad for someone to take theirs and that's ok too. But your instinct shout at you to keep your baby close and there's a reason for that. All that tiny baby needs is you for now! And that's ok. Others are just being selfish to want your baby. They've had their go at having their own babies however they chose to. Now it's your turn. Tell them "get your own baby"
You need to listen to your
Instincts. I have a 10yo, 7yo and 5 month old baby. It's nice to have them mind the kids when they're older for a few hours but even over night didn't happen till they themselves wanted to. My 5 month old has only been away from me in the NICU and once with her daddy while I went to the hairdresser. That's it. Nobody else ever got her alone and by now they all know how I do things anyway lol. They can cuddle her but give her straight back whenever I want her back. I've had all my children out if love and still now absolutely love spending time with them.
It's actually much better for babies to stay with their parents for as long as possible. They become More attached to you which in time will make them more secure and confident! They're talking bs when tgeyre saying the baby needs it! NO THEY need it. All the baby needs is it's mother to develop trust and a strong bond!

TyanneRivers · 14/04/2019 10:16

Amen!! Preach preach!!!
I know exactly what you mean. I had a really tough pregnancy also, suffering with really bad sciatica, pgp/spd where I then had to wear a girdle and use crutches, morning sickness which lasted all day every day for 7/8 months and a whole load of other problems during my pregnancy. I would have much preferred that the help was offered then, I was restricted in my mobility I found it difficult to walk a few metres to the toilet. After giving birth I was mobile able to manage. But everyone does like to cuddle a brand new baby

ipswichwitch · 14/04/2019 10:20

IME the ones that are pushiest about taking the baby are the ones who are nowhere to be seen when your LO hits the terrible twos.

Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.
Remind your DM she said this when you DS is mobile and a ball of energy getting into all sorts!

YouBumder · 14/04/2019 10:22

YANBU, but in a few months/years you’ll hopefully find interested and engaged grandparents are a godsend

SnarkyPuppy · 14/04/2019 10:30

You are not being unreasonable. My MIL is the same. My PIL came to "help us out" when our baby was three weeks old and we were firmly in baby bubble world. Her version of helping us was hogging the baby for 10 days while we were cooking them meals, doing chores and generally looking after them. Then she would have the nerve to tell me several times not to take him for a cuddle and generally undermine and patronise. I put my foot down then as I believe nipping things in the bud but a year later she's even more annoying and I struggle to think our relationship will ever get back to what it was pre-baby.

Tee22 · 14/04/2019 16:20

You must stick to your guns and do what's best for you and your baby.

londonlass101 · 14/04/2019 21:04

I completely sympathise, the worst I had was being told when pregnant there was no point me getting too attached as I’d have to go back to work! Really upset me.

You enjoy every second of your cuddles - a baby is not a toy to entertain others or a trophy for gps to show off to extended family and friends! Don’t go on the holiday, you don’t need that stress, enjoy the peaceful week instead!

sashadjas · 15/04/2019 00:35

Absolutely NOT unreasonable chica, that's your precious offspring right there and every animal/cavewoman instinct tells you to keep that child with you and the instincts of your child are just as strong. I've got a four year old and I still have no desire to have a "night off". He's not my first, I have a 17 year old daughter, so it's not a new parent thing either. Sounds like you're going to be fine, you know what's right for your little one and you are going to be a great, well-balanced mother! X

sadsadsad19 · 15/04/2019 01:03

YANBU

My MIL is like this. Thankfully she lives far away so I manage to avoid it, but the times we have seen her I’ve had a battle on my hands to keep my child with me. It culminated in me wrenching him out of her arms and yelling after she refused to give him back for the millionth time, among other things she had done up until that point that stepped all over my rights as the parent. She even took off with him completely once! I was livid. Sadly, I ended up looking like the asshole there but that’s just because she plays the victim so well.

What I don’t get is why they don’t give the child back when they’re clearly upset. If I was holding someone’s kid and they didn’t want to be there, were actively avoiding my (smoky.... shudder) kisses and screaming for their mum, I imagine I’d be handing that kid back quicksticks without having to be asked.

Miriamkiwi · 16/04/2019 14:58

YANBU!!! The "other" Nana basically forced me into offering a bottle of water despite fact I was breastfeeding, (b atch!) Eventually I thought it might be"nice" for the aul cow to do it, set all about it she sitting ready gets a caller hands me babyling and says " Here give her that for me, will you?" Currently estranged they truly were a bunch of Fockers!!!!

IntoValhalla · 16/04/2019 15:00

Not unreasonable at all.
I don’t share my babies. I think my DC2 was about 3 weeks old before I even let anyone other than DH hold him
MY BABY!!!

mardim · 20/12/2021 04:21

I’m in the same situation. My SIL and FIL are obsessed with my LO. He’s 8 weeks and I’m EBF. We went to my ILS yesterday and he was clearly hungry. My FIL grabbed him and gave him a dummy. I was trying to explain politely that he hadn’t drunk in 4 h but he was insisting that he’s sleeping and doesn’t need a feed! Then he drank for 4 minutes and my DP took him to wind him. Next thing I see, he has passed it to my FIL and then SIL Who were clearly not winding him. On top of that, my DP insists that I don’t produce enough milk although he’s gaining weight and has wet nappies etc and wants to give him formula so the others can feed him. I have pointed out on several occasions that I only want to breastfeed but he doesn’t seem to respect my choices. It’s really hard as my parents are away and ILS only live 10 minutes away. I have expressed milk in the freezer but I only produce 2 oz per time and do not have the time to express every day. It’s so frustrating when people do not respect your wishes and blank you out!

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2021 18:57

@mardim get your health visitor to tell your DP that breast milk is best right now and not giving the baby back when he is clearly hungry/distressed is extremely upsetting for you and could easily bring about pnd. Your DP MUST be on your side with this.

Georgeskitchen · 20/12/2021 19:02

Not unreasonable as such but grandparents can be a positive influence on children's lives and they are not really "any Tom Dick or Harry" are they!!
Not saying they stay a week at such a young age but nothing wrong with establishing a loving relationship with grannies and grandads!!

BurbageBrook · 20/12/2021 19:02

YANBU. Stand up for yourself! They are being extremely unreasonable and selfish. Best for baby to be with you.

BurbageBrook · 20/12/2021 19:04

@mardim you must stand up for yourself as well and your DP and ILs need to get their act together. How dare they!

BurbageBrook · 20/12/2021 19:16

Argh. Zombie

HazelBite · 20/12/2021 19:22

I'm quietly (very) disappointed that I have no grandchildren , the only one of my friends, but if one of my 4 adult DC's were to produce there is no way I would be snatching any child from them, I have had my Dc's, changed nappies, had sleepless nights etc, why would I want I crave all that again.
And as to people who pass babies around, it used to enrage me when mine were small, its disruptive for the child and un hygenic!

thelegohooverer · 20/12/2021 19:24

I’m having the rage remembering that whole thing of people refusing to give my baby back.
When they clearly couldn’t tell that they wanted feeding/changing yet expected me to go away and leave my baby with them overnight.
The person I eventually was comfortable leaving the baby with, was the person who listened to me, and who I trusted to do what I asked.

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