To not understand the obsession of taking a baby off their mother?

[SinkTerranium]

I have a 3 month old. I feel like I’ve spent the last 3 months either trying to tear my baby off other people, or constantly telling people no to leaving him with them.

I am more than happy for people to visit and give him cuddles. I am also more than happy to take him to relatives’ houses and let them cuddle/play with him, whatever. If they want to take him for a walk in the pram while I hang some washing out, fine. What I am not happy with is people not handing him back over when I ask (because he needs feeding or nappy changed or a sleep). Yesterday I had my arms out asking for my baby back so I could feed, and was told ‘oh no I don’t think he needs it’.

MIL also keeps strongly suggesting I leave him with her for days/nights for a ‘break’. A break from what? From spending time with this baby that I completely adore and miss as soon as he’s asleep? I didn’t spend 9 months throwing up, barely able to walk and constantly exhausted growing this baby just for him to be shipped off to any Tom, Dick or Harry as soon as he’s here. Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.

I know I kind of am BU. I’m not one of these attachment parents at all, honestly, I’m really not. I love seeing him having cuddles from my friends and relatives, and it’s lovely seeing so many people love him. I just really like being in the company of my child, is that so bad? And while it is important that he builds bonds with these people, it is more important that he is fed properly and allowed to sleep.

I know there is probably going to be a time when I’m biting off my arms to find some childcare for him, but that time isn’t here yet, and I don’t want to spend all my time being made to feel guilty for not letting other people care for him without me.

YANBU. I used to regularly take a whole week away from people when DD was tiny, to spend one to one with her time after a hectic week of visits or engagements. It's nice to have people around but it's such a special time and you need plenty of bonding time as you said.

Who doesn't give someone's baby back to them? That is really weird. Never happened to me and I can't imagine someone saying that to me really. If it did happen, I'd just take her back and carry on feeding or cuddling as if nothing had happened.

My DD is 15 months now and we wouldn't dream of leaving her overnight with anyone, not that there's anything wrong with doing so of course, just thought it would make you feel better to know that not everyone is comfortable with overnight stays early on.

YANBU. My mil did this all the time with my first baby. My own DM would give him back to me as soon as I asked but not mil. I think it’s because she’s never really liked me and wanted her own way. It got so bad I ended up having to physically wrestle him from her arms and glared at me. And I had the offers of taking care of him to give me chance to get stuff done around the house (I.e enjoy him without having me around because she can’t stand me).

She's putting a 'claim' on your baby.
Maintain firm boundaries. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. She and your dm will be entering grandparent wars next.

@Gohenceforth

Not possessive. Nor does OP sound possessive. I love people playing with my little boy. I'm grateful when family are able to look after him for a couple of hours. But rather than having people demand time with my child, or order me away when I'm not ready, I'd appreciate help when I and my DH need it.

YANBU I experienced the same with my MIL and SIL having discussions between themselves as to when they would have our son without even including me and my partner. We said no, (and categorically as both of them smoked but could not seem to understand why this was a big deal???!!! ) Anyway... they got over it. He has spent very rare overnights away from us with both sets of grandparents and not until he was over a year old. This has not affected our sons ability to form appropriate and enjoyable relationships with any of them.

The more I hear and read the more I think I must be in the minority. I am a Granna to three. Two boys of 9, 20 months and a 4 month year old little girl.

They aren't my children. We are Grandparents. I would never overstep the boundaries of the parents, or be like this. Perhaps I am a little too hands off. However I know my DiL's appreciate it.

We have one of our Grandchildren once a week to help with covering days because of work commitments. Our eldest and DiL who live local, have involved us, her parents and nursery has a mixture.

Their babies, their guidelines and I always go by what they say. I can't understand why others find that so difficult.

So as Granna I am saying no you are NOT being unreasonable. You need to put your foot down and tell them straight. You can tell them appropriately and firmly. You don't have to be rude.

You want to feed your baby, settle him/her and so on then they hand the baby back. Stand up for yourself.

YANBU. We went back to our wedding venue for our first anniversary and took our 4 month old son with us. Mil was insisting on getting a room next to us so she could look after our son! I really don’t understand it either. Is it just this generation or have previous generations done this as well?

Definetly NBU OP. I had same issues with my ds. I could just have settled him and visitors would arrive and expect me to let them have “their go” of cuddling ds.
I once went through to my kitchen and when I came back MIL had sparked up a cigarette and with it hanging out of the side of her mouth was in the process of lifting sleeping ds out of his pram. Not a very nice conversation after that one, with cigarettes banned from house.
Pils were also not happy with my breastfeeding ds. They, along with some other family and friends, thought I was being unfair not allowing them the opportunity to bottle feed my ds or take him away for the day. I wouldn’t have let anyone take him away for more than an hour as I just wanted to be with him when he was so small.

It just enrages me. In-laws making me feel I was doing something wrong by breastfeeding DD, by not agreeing to them taking her out for the day without us when she was tiny and when she was found through a phase of separation anxiety, would allow exchange looks and make comments about how “when I have kids I’ll make sure they go to everyone”
Makes my blood boil.

YADNBU I have spent the grand total of 6 nights away from my eldest DD8, 3 of them when I was giving birth to her sister. I had a lovely MIL (sadly deceased) and have a fab mum. DM has a great relationship with my girls but she’s never been pushy about the time she spends with them, it’s always been if I have asked or if she’s politely offered. The girls love their grandma to bits and are always excited to see her. They feel the same way about my DB and my DH’s DSis. Demanding time with your baby as though they couldn’t possibly form a relationship with you there is a bit weird and suggests a lack of understanding in how to build relationships. Stick to your guns OP, do what’s best for you and your baby. xx

I still have a vivid memory of my DM’s boyfriend’s mother giving me evils and hesitating when I asked for my 1 month old baby back. DD was crying and hungry! Selfish, weird cow! She wasn’t even related to me and I’d only met her a few times. Some people think they’re entitled to any random baby it’s fucking freaky and embarrassing. Especially older people with adult kids, you’ve had your turn feck off! Sorry it really gets my goat😂

YANBU I completely don’t understand. My mum has never done this (sometimes the opposite) and my MIL wouldn’t dare to ask (deserves a whole thread of her own). I don’t think I was left anywhere until I was 6+. There’s absolutely no need. I’d get very shirty very quickly if someone tried that with me. Weird as I find people hand babies back quickly as soon as they get upset

Stand your ground - you should not have to ask more than once for anybody to give your baby back to you and how dare anybody contradict you when you know your baby needs feeding. Be firm but polite initially when telling people 'no', but if they persist, be blunt until they hear what you are saying. I'm sure you are more than capable of asking for help or advice if you feel you need it, so don't let the inappropriate behaviour of a few selfish people stress you out. Nobody has a right to demand time/cuddles/nights/weekends etc with your baby - you will know when you want a babysitter and people need to butt out, be supportive instead of pests and let you mother your baby and enjoy motherhood - good luck and congratulations

This your and your partners baby.
No one can tell you when you can have your baby.
I would keep your baby from others for a long time.

My mil is the same saying ‘Right! Time for me to hold baby now’ even though she’s only just walked in and hasn’t seen him in months so he cries when he sees her.

YANBU, they Are.

This is so annoying of people. I solved this by putting the baby in a sling. Then there was no way they could get at the baby. Something to try?

I absolutely got a reputation with my ILs of being pretty strong willed when it came to DD. She was exclusively BF (because she was a bottle refuser) and that caused quite a bit of friction with MIL but I (along with DH) stood our ground. Basically, they now know what I'm like and DH and I won't just bow to pressure.

My mum has never had my children on her own or overnight until last year (they're primary school age), they have a lovely relationship with her because when they see her she's totally engaged with them, she makes loads of effort to travel a long way to see them every couple of months. PIL had our oldest overnight regularly and did regular childcare for us, they had a brilliant relationship but this has wained slightly due to a variety of things. A great relationship isn't about having overnights or contact without the parents.

I don't understand why you wouldn't take the opportunity for a GP to take them overnight. My parents did this regularly for me. Dd is now 10 they have a great relationship.

Not passing your baby back though is not on. I don't understand this either.

YANBU at all OP! You want to spend time getting to know and bond with your young baby, it sounds perfectly natural to me! I'm fact, it sounds ideal! Sounds like you are doing a splendid job so try not to take it to heart.

YANBU

I have an 8 week old and the amount of people who absolutely ‘must’ meet her according to my DM is unreal!

Perhaps they are just being a bit over zealous but mean well and genuinely just want to help. Many people would be pleased to be in a position to turn down such offers.

YADNBU.

Thankfully I seem to be doing it right! Whenever I have held someone else's baby I have been hyperaware that it is theirs and hand back immediately I even sense they want them, never mind wait to get asked to return them. I love babies (hence have had 4 of my own) but wouldn't ever refuse to give them back to mum/dad for a feed, change etc.

Take your baby back whenever you need/want to and ignore stupid comments, they are not toys to be shared around equally.

It would probably be useful for more babies to be like ds3 for a few weeks after he was born. MIL took two weeks off work to help facilitate me sorting ds1 and ds2 to school etc. I had to warn her that he would scratch anyone holding him except dh or me before leaving for 10-15 minutes to get a lift for school pickup. She didn't quite believe me so said she'd be fine, so off I went.

Upon return MIL told me I had not been exaggerating the scratching (ds had done it to me once or twice too, but soon realised I had the 'goods' for him so stopped). Ds would heavily scratch anyone holding him but calm immediately when dh or I took him. MIL was great, she persevered and insisted she'd look after ds for those few minutes if I wanted as it made school runs much easier. He calmed down after a few weeks, but it can be a useful natural deterrent to people taking babies off you.

Another one here who hands babies back when they cry!

Mine is 12 weeks and when he was 12 weeks in the womb I was being told my MIL and SIL could have her when I went back to work, which would include an overnight stay

op this is really not acceptable and you have every right to be angry!

Some rules l would put in place,
Email all those who overstep.....Please call the day before you pop in as l have started to nap in the day when Baby does, and as you can understand this is VERY important to me at this stage, and l won't hear the door as l put earplugs in!
Then ignore any unanounced knocking, they will soon get the message.
If anyone complains, say sweetly, well that is why l mentioned not turning up unanouced, l know you want the best for me and my health so l KNEW you would understand, smile sweetly.

Re taking baby off you, burst hysterically into tears, noisily, if you encounter any resistance to holding on to him, say I need to have my baby NOW, shock will work wonders.

Also reduce contact as much as you can, and keep saying how lovely it is that they are offering to help by having baby, so they can best help by doing the shopping/cleaqning/laundry.Repeat this every time they try and get you to leave your baby with them...be unasshamed and they will soon shut up.

Be tough, this is your tiny baby who you and your DH are in charge of, don't be bullied. The world will not come crashing down if you stand your ground.

apologies for clumsy spelling errors