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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the obsession of taking a baby off their mother?

147 replies

SinkTerranium · 12/04/2019 13:44

I have a 3 month old. I feel like I’ve spent the last 3 months either trying to tear my baby off other people, or constantly telling people no to leaving him with them.

I am more than happy for people to visit and give him cuddles. I am also more than happy to take him to relatives’ houses and let them cuddle/play with him, whatever. If they want to take him for a walk in the pram while I hang some washing out, fine. What I am not happy with is people not handing him back over when I ask (because he needs feeding or nappy changed or a sleep). Yesterday I had my arms out asking for my baby back so I could feed, and was told ‘oh no I don’t think he needs it’.

MIL also keeps strongly suggesting I leave him with her for days/nights for a ‘break’. A break from what? From spending time with this baby that I completely adore and miss as soon as he’s asleep? I didn’t spend 9 months throwing up, barely able to walk and constantly exhausted growing this baby just for him to be shipped off to any Tom, Dick or Harry as soon as he’s here. Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.

I know I kind of am BU. I’m not one of these attachment parents at all, honestly, I’m really not. I love seeing him having cuddles from my friends and relatives, and it’s lovely seeing so many people love him. I just really like being in the company of my child, is that so bad? And while it is important that he builds bonds with these people, it is more important that he is fed properly and allowed to sleep.

I know there is probably going to be a time when I’m biting off my arms to find some childcare for him, but that time isn’t here yet, and I don’t want to spend all my time being made to feel guilty for not letting other people care for him without me.

OP posts:
ALannisterInDebt · 12/04/2019 16:02

YANBU....I have never related more to an OP than this one!

(My kids are 15 & 17 now though!) I hated having my babies taken off me all the time - they were always more unsettled in the evenings after family get togethers (I felt their little bodies must have started aching from being passed around to all the relatives)

I had to become very assertive very quickly, I think the family thought I was a bit of a bitch, but I really didn't think it was fair on the baby.

Let's your inner lioness our OP!

....oh and don't even get me started on people touching your pregnancy bump (usually the same culprits!)

WeaselsRising · 12/04/2019 16:08

My MIL was like that - my baby was crying hysterically and I was repeatedly saying “he wants feeding”. But MIL just bounced him up and down trying to comfort him and didn’t hand him back even when I’d said it 5-6 times.

^^yes to this. That baby is now 32 but I still feel angry when I think about it. By the time I got to DC5 nobody was taking her unless I said so!

RomanyQueen1 · 12/04/2019 16:18

YANBU.

I'm a grandma to a 6 month old, and we babysat from about 3 months. I didn't ask though, just told them from the start to let us know when they needed anything.
Baby belongs with it's parents until they are ready to leave them Thanks

DontdoitDoris · 12/04/2019 16:48

This is why I used a sling Wink

Original poster
SinkTerranium · 12/04/2019 16:51

These replies are making me more angry but I think that’s a good thing, perhaps I’ll develop a backbone Grin

I left DS with MIL for an hour or so when he was only about a month old, to go fucking carpet shopping, and looking back now I didn’t want to go, but was so heavily encouraged I didn’t think about it properly. I spent the whole time paying no attention to carpets and instead wanting to tap everybody’s shoulders in the shop to say ‘I’ve got a tiny baby you know’.

I think my mum is overcompensating because she hasn’t been able to spend much time with her other grandchildren, and so now they are really shy around her. But that situation is so different to ours, so she really needn’t worry. I’m also mindful because I had completely uninterested/uninvolved grandparents growing up and feel like I missed out, so I do want DS to have loving grandparents. But he’s probably not going to love them if he can tell his mother is tensing up the minute they walk in the door!

don’t even get me started on people turning up unannounced

OP posts:
Omzlas · 12/04/2019 16:52

The only night my oldest DC has spent away from me is when I was giving birth to my youngest DC. I don't understand the obsession with people wanting to take the baby for a night, though I'm lucky as my SM isn't like that with me, if she was she'd be told 'no' though.

I remember when my ILs came to visit shortly before DC1 was born and stayed until aboit a month after the birth. My FIL tool DC to their room (nothing weird, just to have a cuddle) but Iliterally felt sick, shaky, panicky, you name it. My DH walked into the room, took one look at me, asked where DC was and went to get them back. It was literally about 20 mins but the longest 20 mins of my life. They were only in our extension room, hardly any distance!

I'd definitely be rethinking the holiday too, it sounds like you'll regret it.

RuffleCrow · 12/04/2019 17:08

I just knew yhis would be a MIL thread Grin. Mine was just the same.

OP you have every right to feel the way you do. Nip her behaviour in the bud by learning some assertiveness techniques for dealing with her. There's a book called "A Woman In Your Own Right" that sets out the principles. Put that bfing time to good use and give it a read. Brew

TrickyLicky · 12/04/2019 17:19

You are definitely not bu! I remember going out for lunch with dm and dmil when my ds was a newborn. They wouldn't pass him back to me even though I knew he was hungry. They kept saying he wasn't, he was crying because he was tired and taking it in turns to try and rock him to sleep. Cue me getting engorged boobs which leaked all through my top. I didn't notice the leak bit dmil said after she'd seen but decided not to say anything 😡. Also remember often being told to put him down. No one could ever give me a reason when I asked why. You enjoy your baby OP and tell everyone else to f off.

ParisWilton · 12/04/2019 17:59

@trickylicky I had similar but with my Sil. I had to prise dd out of her arms (I left marks). The weird thing with my Sil is that she is well into attachment parenting so you'd think she would be the first person to understand that if a baby is screaming that it should be passed to its parents not jigged about by its aunt.

TrickyLicky · 12/04/2019 18:05

@ParisWilton that's awful! I really don't understand what comes over people.

chuttypicks · 12/04/2019 18:10

You are absolutely right!! YANBU!!

DonaldTwain · 12/04/2019 18:18

My mind boggles at these people who want to hang on to a baby who is yowling for his mummy. What’s nice about madly cuddling a poor little distressed chap?
And do not go on that weekend. Avoid it like you’d avoid Chernobyl. It will end badly.

Cornettoninja · 12/04/2019 18:28

I don’t get the people hanging on to crying babies - my first reaction is to fling a crying infant in the direction of their parents! I .like cute cuddles! Grin

I seemed to be suddenly surrounded by people who though I should be leaving dd more, never mind I have no family and dp’s family anywhere near and lecturing me how I was too attached and how pleased they were their children would go to anyone (mostly their parents as it goes but their empath skills didn’t stretch to understanding leaving your tiny baby with someone requires a deep level of trust Hmm). Also a curious denominator was none of these perfectly rounded parents with social lives I could only dream of were actually offering any degree of help....

I would be wary of offending them too much though. There’s been times I would have willingly gnawed my own arm off for a full nights sleep!

Pantheon · 12/04/2019 18:29

YANBU

FoxFoxSierra · 12/04/2019 18:43

Yanbu! I love my ILs but they drove me crazy when my babies were tiny thinking they could calm them better than me when they were screaming for me, I felt physically ill and panicky trying to get them back and they used to laugh and say don't worry we don't mind and keep rocking them while the babies got more and more distressed Angry

cptartapp · 12/04/2019 18:51

I must be in the minority. DM and PIL were happy to visit, have a quick cuddle and a cup of tea and then we'd never see them again for a month. By their teens, they'd never ever had a sleepover. YADNBU, but in the long run you might be the glad of the family 'help'.. I think that's partly why mine went to nursery so young, no-one else ever offered to have them alone, and personally I really needed that break every now and then.

LucyAutumn · 12/04/2019 19:13

YADNBU

This also caused PND for me and I'm still getting pushed for sleepovers now. He's not even 2 BACK OFF Angry

Jux · 12/04/2019 22:32

YANBU. I had the same. In fact dd only spent two nights away from us until she was 3, and those nights were very much against my will, but dh insisted.

Siameasy · 12/04/2019 22:38

Yanbu some people go bonkers when there’s a baby
I did experience it a bit as in reluctance to hand the baby to you when it was clearly time for boob and my boobs would be killing!
Crazy thing is now I have no desire to hold a crying baby because I have completely forgotten what to do with them 🙈

Rarfy · 12/04/2019 22:43

I totally get this. Dd is 13wks old and everyone fawns over her which is lovely but when they have her I really really feel like I am missing out.

My df is the worst. Constantly asking her when she is going for a sleepover. I know it's bound to change but right now I can't imagine a night away from her.

We have had 3 family parties since Dd was born and they were sheer hell for me as she was passed around like pass the bloody parcel.

On one hand I am so proud and chuffed everyone loves her but on the other I'm like give me back my baby.

Cherrysoup · 12/04/2019 23:05

Definitely do the assertive thing and get up, go over, stand there and say 'Give me the baby back. Now.' (If there's any hesitation)

Don't let them fuck about upsetting your friends/family. They don't know your baby as well you do.

My immediate reaction if a baby cries is to hurriedly hand it back to the parents!

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 12/04/2019 23:11

I genuinely have not experienced this, I'm happy for people to have cuddles etc but when I've said oh he needs a nappy change/he's hungry/wants his mummy he's handed straight back no question, DM and MIL have just said let us know if you ever need us to babysit (DF said I'm happy to have him without your mother when he can talk a bit, it's been 34 years since you were a baby I'm rusty -he's nearly seventy). You need to perfect the look and the MN tinkly laugh, 'oh DS you little sausage you just want your mummy don't you' tinkly laugh, fixed smile, arms out for baby, if not forthcoming raise an eyebrow especially in company most people would be too embarrassed not to hand DC back. I've not needed to yet but I'm prepared...

Whitechocandraspberry · 12/04/2019 23:19

No family nearby but when I’ve been in labour and shortly after they all descend. Have never had the problem with having to ask for baby back but I’ve been happy for baby to be passed around like a parcel. I trust all my friends and family members. I went into work a couple of days after having 4th baby and she was immediately “stolen” from me by a colleague who lovingly cuddled and proudly showed her off while I chilled and chatted to friend. I also bf so baby’s fed every hour or so. After a couple of weeks expressed a couple of times so that if I popped out someone else could feed. Wasn’t a big fan of expressing though. Happy for others for short time they were there to lift cuddle bathe nappy change etc

naynaybiscuit · 12/04/2019 23:42

I had this and it drove me insane! YANBU.

My Dad even had a sit down serious chat with me about how I need to involve DM and MIL more because this is their special time. Shock

LizB62A · 12/04/2019 23:52

Your baby, your rules.

Set the boundaries you want now - it will only get worse when they start feeding them absolute crap as "well I did it with you and it didn't do you any harm" !!