To not understand the obsession of taking a baby off their mother?

[SinkTerranium]

I have a 3 month old. I feel like I’ve spent the last 3 months either trying to tear my baby off other people, or constantly telling people no to leaving him with them.

I am more than happy for people to visit and give him cuddles. I am also more than happy to take him to relatives’ houses and let them cuddle/play with him, whatever. If they want to take him for a walk in the pram while I hang some washing out, fine. What I am not happy with is people not handing him back over when I ask (because he needs feeding or nappy changed or a sleep). Yesterday I had my arms out asking for my baby back so I could feed, and was told ‘oh no I don’t think he needs it’.

MIL also keeps strongly suggesting I leave him with her for days/nights for a ‘break’. A break from what? From spending time with this baby that I completely adore and miss as soon as he’s asleep? I didn’t spend 9 months throwing up, barely able to walk and constantly exhausted growing this baby just for him to be shipped off to any Tom, Dick or Harry as soon as he’s here. Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.

I know I kind of am BU. I’m not one of these attachment parents at all, honestly, I’m really not. I love seeing him having cuddles from my friends and relatives, and it’s lovely seeing so many people love him. I just really like being in the company of my child, is that so bad? And while it is important that he builds bonds with these people, it is more important that he is fed properly and allowed to sleep.

I know there is probably going to be a time when I’m biting off my arms to find some childcare for him, but that time isn’t here yet, and I don’t want to spend all my time being made to feel guilty for not letting other people care for him without me.

Keep baby to yourself. Have all reachers been vaccinated for childhood diseases? Do they get cold sores? Either could kill your baby. Much safer for Mom to hold the baby.

Follow your instincts. He's your baby :)

This is why breastfeeding was so great, especially in the early days when feeds were every few hours. It does get better, I found once my daughter was around 5 months she wanted to see what was going on all the time and hated being held for long periods of time.

If my mil offered to take him for the night when he was that young I would have said YES! And had a dreamy lie in......

YANBU. It's nice to be offered help but it should be about when you need or ask for it and nit for their own needs and wants.

YANBU. I suffered the same with my eldest. When my youngest was born no one gave a shit which was just as bad.

He is your baby you gave birth to him, YANBU. I didn't mind, personally, but that was up to me and as a lone parent from the get go, I needed a bit of help/5 mins alone for a bath and to pump. She is the first baby in the family in 18 years so everyone was really excited and it didn't bother me. It's entirely up to you what you do or don't do with your baby, if you are not comfortable put your foot down, no one else apart from you and daddy are entitled to your child.

I was so knackered by the time mine was 3 months old I was begging for him to go for a sleepover but nobody wanted him because the bugger never slept. I get it though, family were brilliant at helping us out and never overstepped (even my MIL was amazing!).

My MIL has finally dropped this. But when DS (now 8 months) was just 2 weeks,she kept offering to 'help' by taking him for a weekend. She kept trying to sell it as totally essential that my DH and I had a weekend, preferably abroad, without our brand new baby. She suggested before he was 3 months.

Seriously - that's not help! Why would I leave my tiny, breastfed, premie baby with someone else whilst I leave the country for a few days?

It's weird.

YA definitely NBU. Happened to me with DC1, I became an expert at shutting down the conversation before it even had a chance to get going by breezily saying “no thanks” and walking off happily with my lovely baby held in my arms. Hasn’t happened at all with DC2

YANBU. At all. People forget that you aren't just rent-a-womb to provide then with something to 'have a turn' with. Babies aren't toys or entertainment sources, they are babies. Why people feel so entitled to alone time with them when it hasn't been asked for, I don't know. If you have asked I get it but people seem to feel that it's ok to put loads of pressure to have young babies overnight, and it's not on. I think they forget how maternal instincts kick in and leave you feeling very cagey.

They're a pain in the arse aren't they, they would get more brownie points if they understood the 'if i need any help i know i can ask' scenario, otherwise 'haven't you got a life you need to attend to' which is easier to think than say I know, I had a doorstep shuffle with my ex MIL, she didn't get in and i think she firmly got the message x

My DD has sleep overs with both my mum and my PIL from about 10 weeks. She was formula fed and both sets were happy to have her. H and I had a wrk away at 17 weeks and have had a childfree holiday every year of her life since. She will be 15 in the summer. I don’t get this possessive nature that so dog you seem to have. I prefer SD being with my mum but PIL managed to raise 2 children into adult hood with no issues so I was her concerned about them looking after her. I was a SAHM till she was 8 and I loved my childfree holiday every year and used it as an opportunity to recharge. We have a fabulous relationship and what’s even lovelier is she has a lovely relationship with all her grandparents too.

Your baby, your rules.

Smile, eye contact, low but firm voice, "I'm his mother. I decide when to feed him. Thank you." And remove your DS from the offending arms.

I was badgered into leaving 8 week old DD1 with my narc mother to go out for dinner. Even though I fed her before I went she apparently guzzled two bottles of EBM I had left for emergencies, I think my mother wanted to feed her and she has this thing about over feeding babies to make them sleep more. She had her lying on the floor to air her bum and had changed her nappy about 7 times. She also said she gave her a bit of lucozade as she wanted to “see her face” after that she never looked after her again.

From bitter experience.....start as you mean to go on, OP. No mother should be separated against her wishes and instincts from her tiny baby. Harden yourself to relatives banging on about their “rights” to time alone with your baby. It’s perfectly possible for grandparents to have a lovely and loving relationship with their GCs without claiming ownership so stridently. The nerve of some people, not to hand a baby back to his or her parents when requested... I do remember my MIL trying to calm my baby DS unsuccessfully to my utter frustration when I knew what he needed (and it wasn’t her). When she finally handed him over he stopped crying that instant. It was dramatic and the look on her face was as if the penny had finally dropped. The other problem I had was when she wanted to bring round all her friends to play pass the parcel with my newborn. I accepted she wanted to show him off but I was post natal, sore, bleeding, weepy and exhausted. It’s the only time I have ever heard DH swear at his DPs.

I can see both sides. Yes your baby is precious to you and people refusing to give him back is not on. There is though the awful scenario that I hope no one on MN ever experiences ie the sudden death of a mother. I have in the family, the baby being 5 months old. When Mum died it was very difficult for Dad to cope understandably so GP became involved but the baby was not accustomed to anyone but Mum feeding and caring for him and took weeks to settle and caused a lot of distress for all involved. Sharing now and again isn't bad and may have benefits you never think of.

‘I’ll have to baby back now, thank you.’ If being held tighter to prevent you: ‘careful, you don’t want to hurt baby.’ Repeat: ‘I’ll have baby back Now THANK YOU!’
Smile but insist! I was very attached to my son and had to be Very insistent to ensure he stayed with me as much as possible. I felt it was best for him and I’m Mum so it’s down to me. No one else xx

I found this. My MIL was a baby-hogger.

I've just gone through the whole 'forgot my password' fiasco to respond to this. YANBU. Mine is one year old now and they grow up so fast - don't hand him over any more than you want to! The time goes so fast. Things that might help: the 'ok James, time to come back to mummy now' as you pluck him from their arms.

I wish I had taken this advice when mine was little and had grown a backbone of my own. I remember her crying while FIL tried to bounce and comfort her and I knew she needed feeding but I didn't want them to go on at me about being an anxious mother (I wasn't, was just in tune with her).

Cannot stress this enough. You are not unreasonable!

I knew I wouldn’t have any more children (choice) and I was damned if I was going to let anyone else “have a go” with my baby just because they felt like it! Precious moments and I didn’t care who I insulted with my refusal to hand her over on request. Obviously I did let her dad hold her every now and then 😜

A baby sling is the answer to the holiday. Whenever the pests ask for a cuddle just say they can later on, do it all on your terms!

I'm a grandmother to the most gorgeous 3 kids in the world but I wouldn't dream of not letting my DD or SIL have them when they want. The eldest DGD was 6 yrs old before she ever spent a night away from her DPs and quite rightly so if that's what her parents think! Have a lovely holiday

I’m on the other side of this, so I guess it depends on how parents feel. Our DS and partner were living with us when our grand daughter was born, me and my DH were very involved (their choice) from day one. They moved out and have in fact since split up, we see our grand daughter (now 2) a lot, overnight/ weekends all at her mums request. Our DS sees his child every 2nd weekend and we often get together with him his new partner and our grand daughter during his contact time (again at his request) It is a long time since I had my babies so I always ask about routines, feeding, sleeping etc and make sure I respect their wishes even when she is at our house. My grand daughter is truly the most gorgeous, confident and sociable child ever (yes I am biased) but using a “village” to raise her really works for us. My sons as children had an amazing relationship with my parents, they lived just around the corner and so we are just carrying on those strong family relationships.

It’s your baby! And why wouldn’t you want to spend so much time with them? They’re only a tiny baby for a small amount of time.

My baby was breastfed and didn’t get left (even with my husband) till she was 6 months old. Then once she started taking milk from a bottle around 8 mums she’s been left with my mil for a couple of hours maybe 10 times.

My LO is now 1 and nobody has even changed her nappy apart from me & my husband!!!

I think people used to think she’d never want to be away from us (mostly me) but she’s absolutely fine and is starting nursery soon. She is also a super happy baby and totally independent.

You enjoy every moment with your baby 😊

Of course YANBU. Your baby! I am envious though as both my dps are dead and dh's parents are a waste of space. I fantasise that they will one day offer to have dcs for even a day. Not gonna happen. The kids are 10 and 11 now and not so much as a trip to the park. dgps fit and healthy and live down the road. But enough about me - YANBU!