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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the obsession of taking a baby off their mother?

147 replies

SinkTerranium · 12/04/2019 13:44

I have a 3 month old. I feel like I’ve spent the last 3 months either trying to tear my baby off other people, or constantly telling people no to leaving him with them.

I am more than happy for people to visit and give him cuddles. I am also more than happy to take him to relatives’ houses and let them cuddle/play with him, whatever. If they want to take him for a walk in the pram while I hang some washing out, fine. What I am not happy with is people not handing him back over when I ask (because he needs feeding or nappy changed or a sleep). Yesterday I had my arms out asking for my baby back so I could feed, and was told ‘oh no I don’t think he needs it’.

MIL also keeps strongly suggesting I leave him with her for days/nights for a ‘break’. A break from what? From spending time with this baby that I completely adore and miss as soon as he’s asleep? I didn’t spend 9 months throwing up, barely able to walk and constantly exhausted growing this baby just for him to be shipped off to any Tom, Dick or Harry as soon as he’s here. Even my own mother has said it’s ‘really important’ that I let her and MIL care for him without me.

I know I kind of am BU. I’m not one of these attachment parents at all, honestly, I’m really not. I love seeing him having cuddles from my friends and relatives, and it’s lovely seeing so many people love him. I just really like being in the company of my child, is that so bad? And while it is important that he builds bonds with these people, it is more important that he is fed properly and allowed to sleep.

I know there is probably going to be a time when I’m biting off my arms to find some childcare for him, but that time isn’t here yet, and I don’t want to spend all my time being made to feel guilty for not letting other people care for him without me.

OP posts:
FurrySlipperBoots · 12/04/2019 14:54

I can understand how people are desperate for cuddles, especially his grandparents, but refusing to hand him back when asked is not on! How assertive are you being OP? Is it a case of you saying 'I think he's probably getting a bit tired now...' or are you clearly telling them 'I'd like him back now please'?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2019 14:59

Threads like these pop up from time to time. Glad to see you’re being assertive. Some new mums bow to the pressure.

Original poster
SinkTerranium · 12/04/2019 15:02

I think I’m probably not assertive enough. Although yesterday I’d made it so clear to my friend that I wanted him back, that even her 10 year old son said ‘Mum, give her back her baby’. I’ve also literally gone to pick him out of MIL’s arms and she’s just held on to him firmer! It’s so irritating. We are supposed to be going away with extended family next weekend and they have said ‘it will be really relaxing for you because everyone else will just look after the baby’.... great Hmm

OP posts:
krustykittens · 12/04/2019 15:07

Honestly, OP, I would be re-thinking that holiday with the family!

IceIceCoffee · 12/04/2019 15:07

Hate when people are like this and your MIL not letting him go just awful!
Mine has been known to leap from a chair in front of me when my baby cried as a newborn though to grab him before I could!

StarlaP · 12/04/2019 15:09

I had to fend off multiple relatives when my toddler was born. Everyone was obsessed with feeling that I needed their help and couldn’t wait to take her off and keep her to themselves, the same people who had no time for me when I was struggling on my own with my 3 older kids when they were very little... I loved every second of having a new baby and didn’t want to give her to anyone. I was unselfish only with my OH and children, I loved us all being together. YANBU. Newborn baby time is lovely, but it does seem drummed into everyone that newborns are the hardest work of all the stages and all hands are required on deck! It is sometimes, but I was happy as we were and felt happiest when the door was shut to everyone else. Keep her and enjoy baby for as long as you want x

JaneEyre07 · 12/04/2019 15:09

I have a newborn granddaughter (no 4) who was born early and is too adorable for words.

But she's my DDs baby, not mine and I enjoy every precious cuddle when my DD passes her to me but the person the baby wants and needs is her mum.

People are SO weird around babies. Lose all common sense.

PanamaPattie · 12/04/2019 15:15

My youngest Grandson is the most loveliest, scrumptious cuddly baby BUT not mine. I’ve had my turn.

Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 15:21

I completed agree OP. Babies are lovely and it's nice to have a wee hold when someone you know has one but I have absolutely no desire to look after anyone elses child unless they ask me to (even then I really don't want to). I am a childminder, I love my minded kids but at the weekend I just want my children. DP was always trying to land me with the Bruce's and nephews from his side, and they were always trying to take mine away., Just why?

aintnothinbutagstring · 12/04/2019 15:24

YANBU, speaking as someone who's had a prem baby taken away at birth and didn't see or touch DD for over 24hrs, I think medical professionals should also take mother baby bond a lot more seriously. My body refused to express breast milk because of the amount of medical intervention. It's vital to both mother and baby not just some airy fairy notion. We are animals at the end of the day and if you messed with newborn baby animals, the mum would reject or kill them.

Drogosnextwife · 12/04/2019 15:24

Nieces, not Bruce's

SosigDog · 12/04/2019 15:24

My MIL was like that - my baby was crying hysterically and I was repeatedly saying “he wants feeding”. But MIL just bounced him up and down trying to comfort him and didn’t hand him back even when I’d said it 5-6 times. In the end I had to ask DH to intervene. Of course after a while I became more bolshy and would just seize him when I wanted him back, and to hell with anyone elses feelings about the matter.

Original poster
SinkTerranium · 12/04/2019 15:35

aint similar experience here, DS wasn’t prem but was under neonatal care and would be wheeled out of our room at all hours of the night for blood tests/antibiotics/whatever while we were sleeping. I didn’t feel like he was mine at all while we were in the hospital.

OP posts:
DoraNora · 12/04/2019 15:39

I love my MIL, we have a wonderful relationship (I am estranged from my own mother) but even she is guilty of this. And more surprisingly, FIL.

For them it comes from a wonderful place, they really love me and really love their grandchild but the entitlement and possessiveness over cuddles and 'time with the baby' has completely taken me by surprise. They don't seem to understand I'm not interested in going out yet, and take it personally. Lots of passive aggressive comments about how I could give the baby a bit of formula and then I could leave her ... I know I could, I don't want to!

Also they are both so offended if they can't comfort her ... DH is great so it really annoys him too Grin

But then I feel guilty because it all comes from a good place and they are lovely people. They have just forgotten what it's like to have a small baby, I suppose.

kaytee87 · 12/04/2019 15:44

Yanbu. I hated this when ds was a baby. Now he's a toddler, he can make it clear he'd rather cuddle me or sit on my knee but still has a healthy relationship with other family members.

mondaylisasmile · 12/04/2019 15:44

I know I kind of am BU.

No, you're not.

I think you're being far too polite - it's really not on for people (relatives or not) to not hand back your child. You don't even need to provide a reason - even if it's for feeding, settling etc... it's good enough that you want your baby back!

You really need to work on setting the right boundaries with this - practice it in a mirror if it'll give you more balls.

"Why aren't you giving me my baby back after I've asked?"
"DD (or DS) is not a doll where you get a TURN. Give him/her back now."
... and repeat.

Don't let the repeat offenders hold them if it's really bad ("no, he/she is staying with me for now, last time you wouldn't give him/her back and you need to listen before i can trust you again").

You REALLY need to start enforcing this OP because there will be many bigger battles ahead, and getting used to enforcing your parenting is a handy muscle to develop sooner rather than later.

PregnantSea · 12/04/2019 15:47

YANBU, this is overstepping boundaries. So long as GPs are getting to spend time with the baby and are getting cuddles there's really no need for anymore than this. There is no reason for them to have the baby overnight unless you need them to. It's not ok to hold onto the baby and say "no, he doesn't need feeding" after you've asked for him back. If this happens again be very direct and don't worry about how it makes you look. They are in the wrong, not you, and you need to stamp this out now. You don't want to set a precedent where GPs think they have final say over what happens with your child.

Alsohuman · 12/04/2019 15:47

It's completely incomprehensible to me. It's a family joke that my stepson's baby screams blue murder when confronted with every single one of his grandparents, aunts and uncles. Perhaps it would be better if your babies were less amenable!

I knew someone would come up with the loathesome "they've had their turn". Stupid comment.

jomaIone · 12/04/2019 15:50

My ILs are currently moaning that they have never had any time alone with the baby, never fed her or changed a nappy.

  1. They live 300 miles away so not a huge amount of opportunity. They have visited 4 times in a year.
  1. She has been breast fed and a bottle refuser. It's like I have done it on purpose so no one else can have her.
  1. They have never ever offered!!

It drives me mad. She is my baby. You're not alone, just stick to your guns. You might be grateful in a few months to get an evening off when you're ready so don't isolate them but just politely decline until you're ready!

mondaylisasmile · 12/04/2019 15:51

also this might be a pedantic point but why are you/others talking about ASKING for your baby back?

you tell them it's time he or she came back.

asking for a baby to be returns frames it as an option, which it isn't, and supports the impression they have a right to hold a baby over its own mother (they don't!).

a simple language change might help wonders here! (i'm sure i've done the same myself many times but that just means we all need to work at it)

Tobebythesea · 12/04/2019 15:51

I would have LOVED for sometime take my baby/toddler for a few hours or overnight. It doesn’t mean I love her any less. I have no family support, my DH works very long hours and DD was a total non sleeper. Turns out it was CMPA. I also understandably had post Partum Depression. Maybe it’ll be different with this one as I’m pregnant with my second.

Nonnymum · 12/04/2019 15:52

You are not being unreasonable. I don't understand this obsession some grandparents have with insisiting on having the children stay overnight or taking the child from the mother and I am a grandparent. My grandchildren have stayed overnight with me but not until they were 3 and only then when the parents have had to be away overnight. I would never insist or even suggest it.
Basically it's your child and your decision. Personally I belive babies should be with their primary carer for their first year as far as is possible.

mondaylisasmile · 12/04/2019 15:52

if people keep saying you might want a break, i agree with the PP who said point to the full bin, or the laundry pile. THAT tests if they're serious. are they really wanting to give you a break or is it just wanting to grab the baby?!

thecatsthecats · 12/04/2019 15:56

I'm missing the 'must cuddle baby' instinct.

In fact, my friend was holding another friend's baby next to me, and when the little girl started crying, my overwhelming instinct was to take her off my friend and thrust her back at her parents! Grin

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 12/04/2019 16:02

Yep I agree with you @sink!

DD1 did not spend a night away from us until she was three years old and my DD2 (who is 16months) will not stay overnight until that age.

If your MIL/DM do this again then just take him back and don the give him back, until they understand you are in charge and not them...he’s also not a doll!