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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's not unreasonable

177 replies

PinkGlitter123 · 11/04/2019 19:07

To stop hugging your male friend goodbye once you have a partner? Just dont feel its appropriate but he called me out on it earlier and asked me if he had done something wrong

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 12/04/2019 17:46

safiya my DH doesn't babysit. He takes care of his own children. And happily does this while I go out with friends.

BettysLeftTentacle · 12/04/2019 17:49

This thread is just so......sad Sad

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 12/04/2019 18:41

Thing is, by withdrawing now that you're in a relationship, it implies that you didn't see your friendship as platonic...

PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 18:42

Of course I wouldn't not text him if he needed me one day and then needed help the next. I haven't said anywhere that my partner doesn't allow it either, he just didn't like that my friend said he missed my hugs and thought it inappropriate.

OP posts:
PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 18:45

I am also not withdrawing and didn't know the hugs meant that much to him.
Most friendships have to adapt when a relationship happens even if people don't admit it here.

Another member posted about her friend using her once he got into a relationship and nearly all the replies said similar. That he has to adapt as he is in a relationship and so it's natural that things would change /that the contact was unnatural/too intense etc

OP posts:
safiya5 · 12/04/2019 18:47

Of course if some guy texts you and says he’s “missing your hugs,” that’s not going to go down well with most DHs, is it?

That’s not to say I don’t hug friends of either sex as a greeting or goodbye, but what your friend said was inappropriate, in my opinion OP. Would you say that to a man with a wife? Probably not, I’m guessing.

PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 18:52

It wasn't in a text. He just said he missed the hugs the other day. I age with you that it was inappropriate and that most partners would not be happy if that was said to their other half

OP posts:
ToeSocks · 12/04/2019 19:24

I hug and kiss my male friends on the cheek , always have ..: actually think it's weird if you don't

Biancadelrioisback · 12/04/2019 19:31

Safya so are you and your DH not equal in your relationship then? I mean, you parent your children whereas he babysits them, so I imagine he hands all responsibility back to you when you're home? How often is he "on duty"?

Biancadelrioisback · 12/04/2019 19:31

Safiya not Safya

popsadaisy · 12/04/2019 19:34

I do think I'm a very jealous partner but even I'm ok with my OH hugging his female friends goodbye!

twattymctwatterson · 13/04/2019 10:17

@safiya5 your views are so Victorian and really quite sad. Men and women aren't different species, they can have relationships that aren't based on sex. Oh and men don't babysit their own children.

Afromumma · 13/04/2019 10:33

Let me ask you a question OP. If you are having to change your friendships for this partner, what else will he expect from you? Imo, You are setting a tone that says what you're not happy with I will change. I will accommodate what you want in spite of myself and others who are dear to me.

PinkGlitter123 · 13/04/2019 11:57

I think a lot of you are lying about what you would be truly happy with when it came to your man having a close emotional friendship with another woman who they spoke to everyday.
My partner hasn't said a thing about me having to change my behaviour with my friend, only that he didn't like what he said about missing my hugs. Which is fair enough.

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 13/04/2019 12:02

No pink most of us are just secure in our relationships and mature enough to realise men and women can be friends

Ce7913 · 13/04/2019 13:58

I'd probably be a variable combination of irritated, hurt, confused and uncomfortable if I were your friend and you instantly stopped hugging me hello/goodbye etc. once you starting seeing someone, after an extended period of being happy to do so/initiating it pre-partner.

  • Not because I'm entitled to physical affection/comfort from you
  • Not because you aren't entitled to enact or change your physical boundaries

But because:

a. You've gone and made it WEIRD.

You were happily engaging in and initiating hugs pre-partner.

Absent a DV/controlling partner situation, immediately stopping once you start seeing someone then retroactively makes all of those other hugs you gave me 'weird' - it implies that every single time you were hugging me before getting a partner, you were actually getting something sexual/romantic/non-platonic/otherwise inappropriate to the parameters of our friendship out of it, and I just didn't know it. That would bother and confuse me and make me really uncomfortable.

And/Or,

b. I would feel used

It would make me doubt and second-guess exactly what I meant to you and just what our 'platonic friendship' actually was about for you up until now, because clearly you - consciously or otherwise - were inappropriately using me to get your physical and/or emotional affection/validation needs met whilst you were in-between relationships.

I mean, if your gestures of affection weren't (some degree of) inappropriate to our ostensibly 'platonic' friendship in the first place, then it wouldn't make any difference whether or not you were in a romantic/sexual relationship... The only way your being in a romantic/sexual relationship would both immediately eliminate your desire to 'hug' me and engender your perception that it would be 'inappropriate' to do so would be if our friendship dynamic wasn't truly platonic from your end.

If I was your friend, I'd be carefully re-evaluating our 'friendship'; I don't know that I'd be able to shake that 'I was just inexplicably dumped from a relationship I didn't think I was in' feeling.

That said, at this point the awkwardness has happened and you can't really unring that bell...

Plus, if you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable, and you're entitled to that, regardless of how bizarre I might find your reasoning. That's the beauty of boundaries - you don't have to like or understand them, you just have to respect them.

He's a grown man and he'll have to either respect the new parameters of your relationship, or move on.

PinkGlitter123 · 13/04/2019 14:12

Thats definitely not the case PP. I did need the hugs more than ever at this point but I didn't stop because of that, only because I felt it would be disrespectful to my partner. It wasn't really something I had thought about either as in stopping the hugs was so awful. I am still here for him which he knows. I didn't cut contact because I met someone.

OP posts:
DilliDingDillyDong · 13/04/2019 15:18

Er, wot?! It's a hug, not getting jiggy. Confused

Ce7913 · 13/04/2019 15:35

"...it would be disrespectful to my partner..."

It's only disrespectful if both you and your partner believe that people in a relationship are not allowed to be touched by or to touch heterosexual members of the opposite sex (who are also, presumably non-related?).**

If you believe that, then you do you.

I'm certainly not disrespecting my partner when I hug/cheek buss my or our male friends right in front of him. Nor is he disrespecting me when he does the same with female friends.

**I'm mildly curious as to whether you apply those same standards to homosexual members of the opposite sex (i.e. is it 'disrespectful' for you to hug a gay male friend?) or homosexual members of the same sex (i.e.is it 'disrespectful' for you to hug a lesbian friend?). I'm assuming, perhaps inaccurately, that you don't consider hugging heterosexual members of the same sex (i.e. a straight female friend) to be disrespectful to your partner?

BackforGood · 13/04/2019 17:02

No PinkGlitter I'm not lying. I'm just a fully grown adult who is an equal partner in a secure, loving relationship.
I have some friends that I have had as friends longer than I have known dh. As the relationship with those of my friends who are male was never sexual, then I can't see why there would be any reason to change that relationship.
At any point, if having a partner meant that my behaviour / actions had to change then that partner wouldn't have lasted long. My dh loves me for who I am, not some some idea of who he thinks I ought to be.

PinkGlitter123 · 13/04/2019 17:06

Yet if a woman posted here saying 'DH's female friend said she missed his hugs' there would be completely different answers 😐

OP posts:
PepsiPeach · 13/04/2019 17:32

My husband has many young, attractive female friends and OH MY GOD he hugs them when they meet up! He also texts them regularly. He tells them when he's missed them and they tell them when they miss him! He calls them beautiful (because they fucking are!). Many of these beautiful women are now my friends too and guess what op? I hug them as well?! I think these women are beautiful and I hug them! It's very intimate! It's not a problem in our relationship because we trust and love each other. He didn't marry these beautiful women. He didn't ever want to marry them. He wanted to marry ME!
I've got many male friends. I've grown up with them, I've gone to school with them, I only had male friends at college, a majority of male friends at uni. They text me regularly, sometimes they call me. They call me cute nicknames like beautiful and babe and most are married! I'm friends with their wives. And sometimes we meet up WITHOUT our husbands and wives present! Obviously It's not a massive shag fest!! And get this some of my friends (male and female) are gay and we all hug as well!! Imagine that! I'm hugging a gay woman! Would that offend your partner as well? Because clearly that is very intimate!!
This is really quite a pathetic thread. Physical contact with heterosexual member of the opposite sex and with gay members of the same sex does not equate to sexual intimacy! Not everyone wants to shag everyone!!!

BackforGood · 13/04/2019 18:24

Not from me, there wouldn't.

TroysMammy · 13/04/2019 18:33

I hugged my ex H yesterday. It was his special birthday.

Iamtheworst · 14/04/2019 14:39

My husband goes away on holiday with his female friends. Overnight and everything. They are young and slimmer than me.
It’s never bothered me.

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