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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not unreasonable

177 replies

PinkGlitter123 · 11/04/2019 19:07

To stop hugging your male friend goodbye once you have a partner? Just dont feel its appropriate but he called me out on it earlier and asked me if he had done something wrong

OP posts:
pinkpantherpink · 11/04/2019 22:14

Sad times

Bit concerned at your new partner's attitude tbh

frenchonion · 11/04/2019 22:15

Unless it's hugging with his penis in yer vag then no?! Why would you stop?! I hug everyone. So does my DP. We hug our own friends and each others, male and female.

spanishwife · 11/04/2019 22:17

So the hug meant something more than just a hug before you had a partner then? Otherwise this makes no sense.

Original poster
PinkGlitter123 · 11/04/2019 22:24

Both friend and I were in bad places when we used to hug. Now I have a partner I just wondered if it was thought of as not being unreasonable to stop the hugs. I didn't/don't see it as a big deal and am a bit surprised by the comments but then I know I asked for them. It was never anything sexual with me and friend, just a close friendship.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 11/04/2019 22:53

My DH's best friend is a hugger. Everytime I see him I get a huge bear hug, a kiss on the cheek, and then get told he loves me because I'm such a great person. He's usually a couple of beers in at this point lol. He's happily married to a beautiful woman.

Hugging is ok between friends.

GlitterPixie · 11/04/2019 22:54

How odd YABU

Tellmemoretellmemore · 11/04/2019 23:14

@Ragnarthe If the hug doesn't involve penetration I think it's ok. Grin

@BackforGood you massive SLAG!!

@FudgeBrownie2019 Hugs aren't inappropriate unless you're lunging groin-first (and fair play if that's how you hug). Grin

00100001 · 12/04/2019 07:02

My days.

Your bf would struggle if I was his gf.

I go round to my male friends houses alone.... Go for coffee/cake/lunch alone with them. Hug them. Send messages/letters/cards. Have them over here for drinks etc.

ArgyMargy · 12/04/2019 07:22

Are you allowed to hug male relatives, OP?

unicorncupcake · 12/04/2019 07:27

I have male friends that I am very fond of indeed, have known for 20 years or more. I always hug them when I see them, sometimes link arms as we walk along and are generally very affectionate. All of us happily married and very fond of each other’s spouses. We see each other rarely due to work/family commitments, so value the time we do have. We knew each other when we were in our teens and have supported each other through some really tough times.

BettysLeftTentacle · 12/04/2019 08:42

Some men might misinterpret the physical aspect of hugging

Oh please Hmm read ‘misinterpret’ as ‘jealous’. Normal, reasonable, decent guys would engage a brain cell and wouldn’t be jealous of a hug.

My partner did find it uncomfortable when friend said he missed my hugs.

That’s your first red flag OP. Your partner doest get to decide who you hug. I’d put money on him not wanting you to have contact with your friend soon, if he hasn’t expressed that already.

If I were you friend I’d feel a bit hurt too tbh. Like our friendship could never be the same because someone else has come on the scene for you. It’s hurtful.

twattymctwatterson · 12/04/2019 09:39

If I was your friend I'd feel like you used me for emotional support when you were having a hard time but I was just a boyfriend substitute that you don't need anymore now that you have one

Original poster
PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 11:54

No that's certainly not true. I am still there for them as a friend.

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 12/04/2019 11:59

But you've stopped hugging him? At your bf's request......that's not normal.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/04/2019 12:02

You stopped hugging your friend when he was going through a tough time?

CMOTDibbler · 12/04/2019 12:08

I hug my colleagues. For some of them this will be two or three kisses (depending on nationality), and for the Brazilians it requires it to be followed by standing very close together holding onto you. All totally appropriate

NobodysBlackerThanMe · 12/04/2019 12:19

I wouldn't want to feel pressured into giving someone a hug. If he wants one that badly maybe he should get a girlfriend?

CostanzaG · 12/04/2019 12:20

Well I wouldn't want to be told I can only hug people I'm in a relationship with....

Original poster
PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 13:55

Yes I do feel its become awkward now. I do still care about him but the fact he pointed it out makes me feel under pressure to give hugs everytime. All my partner said was that he felt it inappropriate that friend said he missed the hugs.

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 12/04/2019 14:07

You've made it awkward by changing your behaviour when you got a Bf.

Chippychipsforme · 12/04/2019 14:14

Providing you've got clothes on, it's fine. Do you hug male relatives? Or your partner's male relatives?

Feel sorry for your mate.

Original poster
PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 14:19

Behaviours do have to change when you meet someone though.
I didn't think stopping the hugs would upset him that much and I do think it was an odd thing to point out to someone in a relationship. I want to repeat again, I am still there for him as a friend. He knows he can text /call me anytime.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 12/04/2019 14:21

Of course you can still hug. I’m married and still hug my good male friends.

CostanzaG · 12/04/2019 14:24

Behaviours do have to change when you meet someone though

No they don't. Why do you think this?

Other than sexual behaviour nothing needs to change. Hugging is not sexual.

Original poster
PinkGlitter123 · 12/04/2019 14:28

I mean lots of hugs and texting daily. It's disrespectful to the partner.

OP posts:
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