How long before family/friends met your DC?

[mcjx]

Starting to somewhat "plan" the birth of my DS which will be happening in the next 3 weeks or so.

MIL seems quite insistent on being there as soon as I've given birth. I don't want this to happen, as skin to skin with my baby and alone time with just him and my partner at first is really what I want. I'm very keen on breastfeeding and understand that s2s is important in the first few hours is important.

I've only just recently made the decision that I want my mum to be present at the birth, never mind having MIL there too not long after. She's quite interfering and loud, although we do have quite a good relationship and I don't want to hurt her feelings by asking can she wait until we feel ready before she visits.

Am I BU and unfair seeing as my own mum will be there? How long was it for you before you had visitors? I'm a FTM so I don't know how to deal with all this

Well - so you want your mum present at the birth but MIL isn’t even allowed to visit after the baby is born? Why would MIL being there prevent skin to skin and breastfeeding?

MIL was just going on holiday when DD was born so she just rang us but I would have been happy for her to visit. My mum, aunty, cousin and maybe my sister but I can’t remember all visited in hospital very soon after a very long and traumatic labour, and I had a lot of difficulty getting bring established but them visiting didn’t make any difference to that.

I'd say don't deal with it until you have to. There's a lot of planning in your mind when you're due, but reality will provide you with a different set of choices/circumstances/options. I'd recommend dealing with them when they present themselves.

You may want company, you may not. Wait and see.

I had family visit same day. My mum came into delivery suite to pick up dh as he hadn't slept for 36 hours and I didnt want him to drive so she got a wee look at baby at 6am. Siblings and MIL came around 3pm for visiting. I was full of adrenaline and desperate to show off my gorgeous baby. Friends came the day we got home which was a bit overwhelming. At the hospital it was actually easier to see people.

My son was born at 4.30pm
Dh’s parents came to see us at 7pm
I was thrilled. Succession of visitors over the next few days. Zero impact on establishing breast feeding.
What does your dp feel about his mother being sidelined?

I'm not saying she has to wait days or anything until she gets to see him, I really just want a few hours to myself because I know she can be overbearing.

DP also knows what she can be like - I've spoken to him about visitors and Ive said I want to have skin to skin with baby, some time alone just the 3 of us and I want to get myself clean and sorted also before I see anybody.

I'm actually now even doubting whether my mum should be there. I feel as though it should be a private and special time as a couple, I don't know if I'm just being silly! I'm new to all of this and I don't want to stress myself out thinking about it too much

I guess looking from the outside it may seems like I'm sidelining her and BU but honestly she is too much to deal with at times

Just have the baby with you and your husband. Then once you're settled and moved to the ward have visitors? Isn't that the normal way?

This skin to skin stuff is literally minutes or seconds in a lot of situations. Don't sweat it. Sounds like you are putting so much pressure and ideals on yourself.

I found a lot of people held back from visiting as they were waiting for me to invite them. I did make sure our immediate family visited before friends and wider family came for a cuddle though.

I think DS was 2 hours old when DM, DD, DMIL and DFIL piled into the room to meet him. They would have come sooner but the birth wasn't to plan. DMIL had been wishing for a grandchild for a long time so she had the first cuddle while DM sorted my hair out. At one point the midwife came in to check on me and she just cracked on as everyone else was too busy with the baby. DMIL and DFIL had travelled 4 hours when they knew I was in labour and were sat having a coffee with my DM and DF when DH called to announce the arrival.

My brother arrived when DS was about 4 hours old and I had my first go of BF. He just averted his eyes.

Not everyone is the same though. Do you get on with your MIL? I do think it's important that while you are the one who needs to recover and bond, it is MIL grandchild as well as your DM.

For what it's worth I never had skin to skin with DS and he's now a complete mummy's boy.

I have to say that I think it’s a bit strange to have your mother at the birth.. when I was having my children it was just dh who was with me. It would never have occurred to me that I would want or need my mother there

My mum was with us in labour because I became unwell and it was going on for a long time. I was very close to mum and needed her there.

I ended up having a crash section and barely seeing my baby before she was whisked off for treatment. Mum actually cuddled her before me. I didn't get to hold my baby till maybe 2/3 hours after. She latched oh straight away and I had no issues feeding and did for 9 months. My mum has since passed away and I love the fact I can tell my daughter she had special cuddles.

MIL was the next afternoon when we were allowed visitors but I would have had her sooner. She was beyond excited and it was such a lovely moment!

I honestly thought it was a common thing for women to have their mothers present at birth! That's why I felt bad for a little while for not wanting her there at all.

In hindsight it will probably be a lot easier if it's just me and DP there

My sister was my birth partner, dd was delivered early morning, MIL (not married but you know what I mean) turned up unannounced and uninvited at 5.30am. To be fair I was wrecked so didn’t really mind, just figured she was keen to meet her. She only stayed 10mins. My mum turned up at a more respectable hour that I can’t recall. As for friends, I genuinely can’t remember, I was in hospital for 5 days afterwards so I’m sure they visited them.....
I thought it was nice that MIL was so desperate to meet dd to be honest....

My mum was amazing in my first labour, yours might be too. Don’t stress about it yet I wanted the whole world to see my babies so I had friends and family within hours but it’s totally down to how you feel at the time.

Why is it strange mint? my labour was very long and DH needed some rest and food so mum came in and stayed as things went wrong and not only did she keep me calm she kept DH calm.

I think I'm just really stressing about bfing not working but some of your replies have made me realise it's not reliant on skin to skin. Perhaps I should just stop stressing and let things play out themselves

@mcjx a lot of my friends had their mum with them. I always wanted it to be just me and DH and felt awkward telling her (sort of felt I had to say "FYI you won't be there") but she just said it's as it should be. But I know if I had asked her to be there she would have loved it. I considered asking my MIL to be there because DH is such a worrier but DH said he would be fine (and he was)

@ChipsAreLife this is also what I'm thinking. My OH can be a bit squeamish and I'm honestly not sure how it's going to be if he's my only birthing partner!

Didn’t see anyone at all for three weeks. Babies don’t wear out.

@SSPidge I said at the start of my pregnancy that I did just want it to be me and my DP there at birth.

I backtracked recently probably due to guilt as I think she wants to be there but she hadnt expressed that wish until now towards the end

Just go with what you need at the time. It's not about your mil being sidelined but who you feel comfortable with being around during a vulnerable time. You may feel like great and dying to show everyone the baby or you might want space. I know I wouldn't care what state of my DM sees me in and if a boob or two is out no worries,I'm totally comfortable being vulnerable in front of her but not so much my mil.
Babies don't go stale,if she sees the baby a couple of hours later it's no less special than straight away,it will won't affect her relationship with the baby or make her any less of a grandparent. I think a reasonable person should understand the difference between wanting your mother with you and not an in-law and realise that it isn't personal.

I can't believe people are judging you for having your mum there but making MIL wait... She's your mum for goodness sake, and a second birth partner! That's just too bad for her son that he can't give birth. It's an entirely different relationship and situation. I would also recommend you keep your mum as a second birth partner, if you're first time mum you might need it, and your husband might actually end up needing the support too. It can be pretty chaotic.

It's tricky, I'm very close to my mum, friendly with my MIL, but my dp and I have agreed 'no visitors at birth unless I have to stay in hospital, then its both sets of parents and siblings only' first week I only want to be around my dp. Both sets parents, siblings and our grandparents can visit. From week two, visit by appointment only.
But I have a huge family, and my friends are more excited than me about baby... so we need to be strict.

I can understand wanting your mum there, but won't your husband be enough support for you?

@Nearlythere1 thank you for your reply ❤️

I agree that it is a totally different relationship with my mum. Obviously I don't mind her seeing me in a state, she has seen me at my worst after all a few times. MIL hasn't.

I will consider keeping her as my second birthing partner definitely

I think I'm just really stressing about bfing not working but some of your replies have made me realise it's not reliant on skin to skin. Perhaps I should just stop stressing and let things play out themselves

Skin to skin wasn't a 'thing' when I had my children. I breastfed all of them just fine.

I was also at the birth of one of my grandchildren. Amazing experience for me, but not compulsory.

Stop worrying