How long before family/friends met your DC?

[mcjx]

Starting to somewhat "plan" the birth of my DS which will be happening in the next 3 weeks or so.

MIL seems quite insistent on being there as soon as I've given birth. I don't want this to happen, as skin to skin with my baby and alone time with just him and my partner at first is really what I want. I'm very keen on breastfeeding and understand that s2s is important in the first few hours is important.

I've only just recently made the decision that I want my mum to be present at the birth, never mind having MIL there too not long after. She's quite interfering and loud, although we do have quite a good relationship and I don't want to hurt her feelings by asking can she wait until we feel ready before she visits.

Am I BU and unfair seeing as my own mum will be there? How long was it for you before you had visitors? I'm a FTM so I don't know how to deal with all this

It wasnt an issue for us as there's only one granny and we allowe any visitors at the hospital as they cared enough to come.

Id let both visit together or none at all. A colleague introduced baby to her mum first and her relationship with her MIL is now strained and her DH still isn't happy that his mum was hurt and he wasn't allowed to say who his child could and couldn't see. It's a shame a happy period was tarred.

I've just had my 2nd baby (6 days old) and visiting went similar to my first. Just me and dp for the birth. Ds2 was born at 1am, we rang our parents straight away but only my mum answered. We then rang parents again at 7am. My mum had ds1 so she brought him to the hospital at about 3pm when we had had a bit of rest and got ourselves sorted, showered, dressed, touch of make up etc. We had 5mins just the 4 of us and then my mum came in too. There was a bit if confusion over when we would be discharged so we put my in laws off a bit thinking we might go home. In the end, we decided to stay another night as my iron levels were so low. My ILs came at about quarter past 7 (they were late) and visiting was over at 8pm and they were chucked out but that was long enough for me, I just wanted to chill out and have my baby back by then.
With both children, both sets of parents came to the hospital the same day but quite a few hours later. Our siblings started to come the following day. Friends a few days after that.
With my first, nobody knew I was in labour until he was already born. With ds2, I had to tell my parents as my mum came round to look after ds1 but I didn't really want her to know! So I just took it as it came both times. My family were all good and didn't impose, waited until we were ready.

I just had my husband with me. I'm very close to my mum and I always thought I'd want her there but my husband wasn't keen and in the end I thought it's a more private thing for us, having our own family. Think it was best anyway as ended up in emergency section.

I had her at 1am and I can't actually remember if my parents came first or dh. One visited in afternoon and one in the evening, my sister also came up later in the evening with my nieces/nephews. SIL was working away that week so let her when we got home. I was in hospital 5 days, 6 nights. Had aunts and some other visitors which was cld as it was sooooo boring being stuck in there for so long.

When we got home we had parents visit and siblings in the first few weeks. I had friends over after maybe 4 weeks, was great not having an endless stream of visitors.

I always wait at least a month to visit a new born unless it's someone I'm really close to.

For close family (I have 4DC) and friends who I am happy to see in my pjs, they came whenever. Often, they were super helpful. My Mum drove for hours to come and help us after DC4 was born last year as DP got a migraine due to being awake for so long!

That said, before births, I told everyone that we might want some space, given that I didn't know how I'd be feeling. I'm super lucky in that I have had four trouble free, quick recoveries, but I felt that I wanted to manage expectations!

I had no parents at the birth but my mother came and saw all three on the day they were born. MIL and PIL didn't see them for ages because they wanted to wait until we drove there, I think it was 3-4 months as they were 400 miles away. My father didn't get to meet any of them.

The only.person who saw me giving birth and then before I left hospital was DH (midwifery staff excluded, they were busy sewing up my poor faff) and I loved it. I didn't want anyone else there, no visitors etc

With our second, I told everyone I didn't want visitors for a week afterwards and that worked really well for us.

Be firm and stand your ground OP

Just imagine how you'll feel if in years to come your sons wife is having a baby, her Mam is there but you're not allowed to visit for a specified time. This is how I try to rationalise MIL issues

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest. My mum will be at the birth with my DH, 2 reasons - she has given birth before & can offer support to both me & DG & secondly, she’s my mum, she bought me into this world I want her to be there when I bring my baby into the world.
I have good relationships with my IL’s BUT, like you, would like at least a few hours getting myself sorted, trying BF-ing, having that time with my baby, DH & parents.
DH has no issue with this, in fact he completely understands & wants that time with us too, he understands the support we’ll have with my mum being there & although he has good relationships with his family, we are closer to mine.

This might all change on the day but my poor sister has a really bad relationship with her IL’s and they text to say they were outside whilst she was still pushing! Then barged their way in as soon as he arrived and took the baby off her and started fussing him. I think it’s better to manage expectations now then if you change your mind & want her there sooner you can ask her once baby is here x

Don’t put any pressure on yourselves.
Just inform everyone you’ll let them know as soon as you are ready for visitors.
My mum didn’t even visit until the following day in the hospital for the birth of my first last year.
My next is due in four weeks, and we’ve not even discussed visitors. It’s just a given that we’ll invite people when we are ready.

I think it’s just plain rude for family and friends to impose themselves upon you and assume they can turn up when they feel is fine.
Put in ground rules now. Your baby, your family, your say xxx

I felt harassed by various visitors soon after both dc1 and 2 were born. I felt very fragile and like they only wanted to cuddle the tiny baby, no interest in me or care for how I felt.

When DC3 and 4 were born, I basically told everyone to bugger off for the first week. Gave me adequate time to heal and bond with them. I actually hid upstairs in bed when some visitors came to see DC4 and let DP deal with it .

Dd born Tuesday morning. Discharged from hospital Wednesday evening. DM, DDad and DBro visited on Saturday and DMIL, DSIL and DBIL visited on Sunday. Although it was a lot having visitors two days running (they didn't stay over thankfulky) I really appreciated those first few days with just me, DH and dd. I would not have wanted anyone to visit me whilst I was in hospital.

Ds born 1:30am Saturday with just DH and I there, DH then went home for a sleep. Came back at 9am Saturday (we live a 5 min walk from hospital)

Advised we were being kept in overnight so MIL and my DM came to visit about 3pm Saturday, stayed for an hour or so had a cup of tea then left. Discharged at 4pm Sunday, Mil and Fil both at our house when we arrived - they had changed the beds, hoovered round and got some bits in for the fridge for us then went and collected Fish and chips. They left around 7pm. Didn't see anyone else for a day or 2 after that. I look back with fondness, and gratitude about the cleaning of the house for us! (I'd been in labour since the Thursday, and was bloody exhausted!)

5 days, we wanted some alone time. We didn't tell anyone when i was in labour to avoid getting a ton of messages, just called them when we were back on the ward which they loved as it was such a surprise, both sets of grandparents then visited 5 days later and were very respectful of that.

I think as you can see from all the different opinions, it really does depend on you, how you will feel, your relationship with your mum and MIL, and how the birth ends up going. Just don't over think it too much and don't be too hard on yourself. I've got 3 kids and the best advice I ever had was you need to be flexible and prepared for the fact that many things may not go as you expected.
I don't think it's weird at all that you might want your mum there and not your MIL....she's your mum after all!! I didn't want my stepmum or MIL there (I don't have a mum anymore - but anyway I would have wanted it to be just me and my husband), and that was OK. My MIL was a bit offended, but she got over it!! Get your husband to tell his mum that he'll call as soon as the birth happens to organise a good time for her to come and visit. You have no idea if the birth will be quick and easy, or longer and you might be exhausted and need a rest first. My first birth ended up being a c section which wasn't planned (but was OK!) and so anyway I was in recovery for a while first. This also meant (I gave birth abroad so it's probably different there) that I didn't have any skin to skin for a few hours, which I thought was really important before hand. It's great if you can do it, but what I'm trying to say is that if it doesn't happen, everything will work out OK anyway. It didn't affect breast feeding, and I have a great relationship with my kids!!! My other kids went straight into intensive care and so it took a while for me to get to cuddle them too....and they're also OK!
Be prepared that breast feeding might be hard with your first (it was so much easier with my other kids), but be chilled, get advise and help from an expert ASAP if it's tricky, rather than struggling alone.
Most of all, enjoy every moment, because it all flies by too fast. If anyone gets offended, they will get over it the second they see the new baby...you can't worry about other people at a time like this, focus on yourself.
Good luck!! xx

I had DS at 00.06 (emcs), in laws came to see him at around 1pm the next day (on condition I'd had a shower and catheter out!). My DM and sister came at 6pm as after work and my dad came a couple of days later as he wanted to allow us space to settle at home.

It worked really well and if I'd had DS at a more sensible time of day then we would probably have had same day visitors too.

Also I do know people who had their mother there, I'm very close to my mum but she wouldn't have coped well with seeing me in pain (and as it happened, needing the emergency buzzer pulled for dipping baby heart rate etc) and DH and I wanted to go through birth as something we did together as a couple.

But you are the patient and if you feel that you want your mum there then have her there, she wont be there for the baby during labour, she'll be there for her baby, you.

I wouldn’t worry about it. I stayed in the birthing room for at least a couple of hours after having all 3 of mine. It might not be visiting time when you do go onto a ward and can’t you just say your other half will ring her to visit once you’ve sorted yourself out. I wanted to show my babies off x

Mcjx it’s your preference, you won’t know how you will feel until after you have given birth... your going to be sore and shattered ( although high because you just did something amazing )so lots of visitors has to be something you are happy with and that can’t be decided until you are there.

As a woman who had given birth mums and mil surely should respect that?

My husband was my birth partner / he was perfect for the job he was amazing I knew he would be as he is a super calm guy and if he isn’t he still portrays that on the outside ... which I needed

My mum wasn’t there and she said she was relieved when I didn’t want her there ( though would come if I asked ) because it would be hard to watch me being in so much pain.

We waited 2 days before anyone else saw our baby ... and I thought that was pretty quick we had my parents come to us on the Monday after and then we went to partners parents the next day ... grandparents had a slightly longer wait ( we were shattered no sleep and I was trying to breast feed so getting out is a mission )

I was preparing people for longer but felt we were ready after 2 days.

It’s not me being mean but I wanted to get to know my son , I was shattered sore , bleeding heavily and basically had my boobs out for the first few weeks whilst trying to establish breast feeding ( which I had to give up on at around 10 weeks as my body just wasn’t producing milk / I was combo feeding after a while as poor chap lost loads of weight )

Aunts and uncles all held back until a couple of months / as well as cousins .

Friends again when he was about 2 months old they came to meet him ...

I visit mum/ mil ( with husband as she wants to see her baby ) grandparents every week now and they get lots of time with hi. But it’s easier as time goes on and you get a routine .

Don’t be guilted into anything , I found my baby was amazing but he didn’t sleep out of my arms for the first few weeks ... I was a zombie as was my husband until we took the night in shifts ... ( not all babies are the same hopefully you get a sleeper )

Take it as it comes , and yes my mum saw him first ... it’s my mum I can handle her seeing me at my worst a little easier as a trial run.

In summary they should hang back and follow your lead x x

By the way no one was battling to come to the hospital or fell out over it, my mum said she didn’t leave her house for 2 weeks after we were born either ... so it depends on how high maintance your family are I guess some people seem to see it as you being rude by not seeing family hours after birth ... I see it as they waited 9 months what’s an extra day or two x

I dont fit then ideal of shutting yourself away for days after the birth. DH was there for actual birth. My mum was in the waiting room and my dad and MIL and sister all visited almost straight away. I had a section and my best friend came the next day.

*mn ideal

1 day.

With my first child it was 2 weeks and my 2nd one week. I like to have a week to settle into a routine, recover etc. I said this to everyone before each birth.
I had a traumatic birth with my first so was in hospital for the first week, then at home the second.

Be led by what you want in the moment. I'm so close to my family but since we live 3 hours away from both them and in-laws it was 2 days before my parents came. They stayed an hour and then left as they could tell I was completely overwhelmed (difficult birth). My in-laws came the next day, brought double the amount of people they said they were bringing and stayed for 7 hours- I was in tears as soon as they left as it had all been too much. I get the sense your MiL is a bit like mine, lovely but potentially tiring to be around. When you've just given birth you and your little one are the most important- you get to dictate as to when your ready for which visitors and for how long. Hope all goes smoothly OP x

I was adamant I didn't want any visitors (especially MIL) to the hospital and I really wanted it to just be me, my husband and new baby. Thankfully, I had my daughter at 10am and was home by 6pm so didn't have to worry about it. We had a fully day and night to ourselves and then people slowly started to visit over the coming days.

If you don't feel comfortable with other people there, put your foot down. You won't get this time back.