How long before family/friends met your DC?

[mcjx]

Starting to somewhat "plan" the birth of my DS which will be happening in the next 3 weeks or so.

MIL seems quite insistent on being there as soon as I've given birth. I don't want this to happen, as skin to skin with my baby and alone time with just him and my partner at first is really what I want. I'm very keen on breastfeeding and understand that s2s is important in the first few hours is important.

I've only just recently made the decision that I want my mum to be present at the birth, never mind having MIL there too not long after. She's quite interfering and loud, although we do have quite a good relationship and I don't want to hurt her feelings by asking can she wait until we feel ready before she visits.

Am I BU and unfair seeing as my own mum will be there? How long was it for you before you had visitors? I'm a FTM so I don't know how to deal with all this

It might be a couple of hours before you get into recovery anyway, so problem solved. Or you could just not tell her the baby has been born for a couple of hours (you might do that anyway as time really flies in all the chaos!)

My mum came in when my dd was about 2 hrs old, then mil, bil andnephew came in that eve about 6hrs after she was born.

I stayed in overnight then we had no visitors 2nd day as we were being discharged then maybe 1 a day for the next week or so when we were at home.

I really liked it but i recovered from labour very quickly, day 2 up anf walking around and felt great to not have a huge bump anymore!

You won't know how you feel until after baby is born

From my (4) experiences, you stay in the labour room for a few hours after giving birth anyway; and they don’t allow visitors there. Only on the wards after; and only at certain times. Visiting time for us were 2pm-6pm for extended family with Dad allowed to be there from 8am-8pm.

My mum was there at his birth, my sisters were in the room directly after. I'd have been happy for PIL to visit directly after but they didn't want to for 2 weeks so there you go.

My best friend and other families visited us in hospital the next day.

Just have the baby with you and your husband. Then once you're settled and moved to the ward have visitors? Isn't that the normal way?

That's my thought too, but it totally depends on what feels right for you. With DD, DH and I had a couple of hours of time just the three of us and then parents / in laws visited briefly to say hi when visiting hours kicked in around 2pm (we were an early morning birth).

That said it definitely depends on your relationships with all these people. I'd never in a million years have had my mum in the room while I gave birth (prone to panic and drama) so DH and I were there alone and it was lovely. Although with my second I went into labour unexpectedly and MIL ended up basically catching him as the only person with me, so slightly different situation!

Both my dc were born at 11pm, both sets of grandparents came in to hospital the next morning, I was home by lunchtime and siblings came round afternoon/evening. Friends started visiting from the next day but I was also out and about showing them off as felt fine! Don't stress about it now, you won't know how you feel until it happens

Do you actively want your mum there? It sounds like you're a bit unsure about it. Don't have her there if you don't want to. I can't imagine anything worse - all I wanted was my DH.

I would say play it by ear - I felt awful after birth, I couldn't stand up because of blood loss, had a catheter in, etc. Didn't tell anyone that we had had the baby for several hours and my parents didn't visit until the next day when I felt more human. This time - I am expecting again in a few weeks - may be totally different and so I haven't made firm plans.

Skin to skin is great but it's like 5 mins. Your MIL could come maybe a few hours after birth without it being an issue. When it comes to that point, you may not want your DM either so I wouldn't make firm promises to get either.

10 days with our first, and our 2nd I have no idea, maybe 6 weeks? We were NC with MIL by that point and other family all live quite far away (would require an overnight stay which we wouldn’t have offered). My family lives abroad so they flew in both times when they were 6 weeks.

I don’t have a great relationship with my MIL. When I was pregnant with my first she told me she had the right to know when I was in labour. So when the time came time we told her after baby was born! She knew nothing of the labour or that baby was on its way. DH rang her 9hrs after I’d given birth and told her we would be in contact when we were ready to visit. In the end she visited around day 2/3 (I can’t quite remember). She had not bother to see us for several years and only wanted to see us when I fell pregnant so I told DH she was bottom of the pile to see baby and she could wait. We did the same with DC2 last summer.

You just have to do what is right for you both x

Fortunately I lived miles away from my family so it just wasn’t an issue . I certainly didn’t make any plans before the birth ( which was just as well as I had an EMCS and my baby had serious health problems.)

My MIL did come to the hospital about Day 3 I think, and my DM came when I was back at home, DH had gone back to work and she stayed a few days to offer practical help, maybe that was 10 days after DS was born.

My first was weird. On my due date, my entire family were on their holidays except my brother.
So no one was told I even went into labour.
I had the baby with just dh beside me and as I was sitting there I heard (through the open door - it was the hottest day in July) my mother in law. She only knew we had gone to hospital because my husband had left his wallet at work and a work friend had bought it round to her (he lived closer to mil) at which point mil bought it to the hospital as she knew we needed to pay for parking. I told the midwives to let her meet her grandson and she was overjoyed. I told her to ring fil, who also got to meet the baby before they left to go on holiday. My brother came the next day and everyone else met him about a week later.
My second - we were living with my mum waiting for our house to be built. Went to the hospital late at night, didn’t tell anyone. (My parents and my brother were there to look after our oldest) and I had the baby. They all (mil, fil, mum, dad, Nan and grandad) just got a picture of a little squished face and some dark hair and we left it. Refused to reveal gender/name until the nuggets had met his baby brother. Biggest son walks in “is that my baby sister?” “No it’s a baby brother” “oh it’s xxx then.” Very matter of fact regarding his brothers name. Masses of cuddles, then I let everyone else in. I needed my boys to have that first bond.
Don’t sweat the small stuff you never know!

Unless there's a huge backstory where you are close to NC with MIL due to some sort of bad behaviour then I think it's really unfair to not let her come to the hospital to meet her grandchild ASAP. If she's there for too long your DH can tell her to get lost so you can have some space. And you can always ask her to step out for a moment if you don't feel comfortable breastfeeding Infront of her.

Obviously it's completely up to you and DH what you do as you are the parents, but I really don't understand why people have recently started to deny close relatives access to their baby. I know some circumstances are extreme but generally speaking it just seems very silly and precious to me that you'd tell the GPs that they are not to come to the hospital when their GC is being born, and then they have to wait weeks on end before being bestowed the great honour of popping round for half an hour to cuddle the baby and have a cup of tea.

I think it's how your are feeling I guess ...

I said I wanted my mum all the way there but then changed my mind as I went into labour and I'm glad I did change my mind !! I got my skin to skin and then so did my partner , I gave birth at 3am and think we just did grandparents 3pm onwards and everyone else visited us at home , good luck !!

For me giving birth was an incredibly private and personal thing for us as a couple, we both did skin to skin and got to bond. I’m very close to my mother but would never have had her at the birth, I find that strange unless it’s a young teenager/single parent.
After having DS both sets of grandparents met him later that day in the hospital during visiting hours. We treated them exactly the same and always do.

I find that strange unless it’s a young teenager/single parent

It's not strange at all. It is natural for childbirth to be supported by other women.

It depends on visiting hours doesn't it? My DC were born early evening, didn't get to the ward until about 10pm so there was no visiting until the next afternoon when my parents in law came to see us. They were the only visitors we had in hospital, saw the rest of the family & friends in a trickle for weeks afterwards.

Exactly the same for me @MarySherry.
The birth of our son was something very special for DH and I. We made him.
I love my mam, she is my best friend, but me giving birth didn't include her. She came to the hospital and waited in a waiting room for hours because I went into spontaneous pre-term labour and they were worried about my health. She wanted to be close by without interfering incase anything happened. DH rang his mum when he was exhausted and needed support (again, as my health deteriorated). She also came to the hospital and gave DH some extra support. I needed him in tip top condition to help me, so whatever he needed wasn't a problem. Both sets of GPs sat in the waiting room. DH text them when I had DS (who was whisked away from us to SCBU). They only came up when we said we were ready for them.

My family all came up the same day my dc were born. My Mil was there within a couple of hours of my youngest being born as she brought my older 2 to meet their new sibling. But they didn't hang around for too long. They brought me food each time which was great as I was starving!!

Oh look, another grown woman who can't give birth without her mummy but expects her partner's mum to be completely pushed out because it's all about her. Remember you're having a son dear, have a think about that for a moment.

Remember you're having a son dear, have a think about that for a moment

Erm I have a son and I completely understand why my DIL would prefer to have her own mother there

Everyone got there as soon as they could but it was same day. But it’s not like you expect because there’s hours of boring stuff after baby arrives often before you even get to an official bed let alone anywhere people can visit. And often babies arrive in the middle of the night so nobody comes till normal daytime. You might be more delighted than you expect to show off baby for the short time people visit during daytime after hours of sitting mostly alone with your adrenaline.

I honestly think the best thing to do in these situations is:

1. Plan for what you - in theory - are comfortable with.
2. Be candid with family that your comfort and needs might change, and you will let them know when you are ready.

And as for:

Remember you're having a son dear, have a think about that for a moment

FGS, children aren't possessions you have access rights to, especially adult children! I would rather have my MIL around during birth than my mum (my mum is full of opinions about how 'easy' it is - my MIL very nearly lost my husband), but the truth is, I'd want neither!

Personally I wanted both DM and MIL to meet the DCs immediately. At the end of the day it was DHs mum so same to him as My mum is to me. It's not like they came in within seconds. I fed DS straight away then they took us back to the room and everyone came in to meet him.

I'm probably not the best person to answer though as I'm close to my family so cannot understand why you would want to keep them away.

Actually just realised that was with my first (huge complications so they were lenient with visiting times straight after),with my 2nd they took us to the waiting room to see Dm and MIL straight after I'd fed him etc.

Mil the same day as she came to visit me in hospital. I was so glad to see anyone as ward was awful. Mum and dad following week as they had to fly in.