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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby in cafe

658 replies

Ginnymweasley · 09/04/2019 18:52

Today I was out with my dd(3) and my ds (9 months). We went into a small cafe for lunch, sat down and decided what we were having etc. Waitress came over and we ordered and i asked for a high chair, she informed me there was only 1 high chair and it was in use. So I got ds out if his pram for a bit cause he hates being in it if we are not moving.
He sat on my knee and played for a few mins but then started to get grumpy. He is at that stage where he wants to be moving as much as possible. I got up with him and let him walk around the table a few times holding my hands etc. He wasnt crying or anything just a trying to get down and throwing toys.
A couple came and sat on the table next to us. I stayed stood up with the baby,I didn't go near their table just let him walk around the chair/table to his sister and back. He started shouting a bit, again not crying just babbling loudly. I shushed him, picked him up and tried to distract him. By this point our food arrived.
I strapped him back in his pram and gave him some food to eat. He was again babbling and threw a few bits on the floor. The couple next to us at this point got up,loudly asked to be moved as they didn't like noisy children and parents that couldn't control them. I apologised but they just turned round and said I should have left the cafe as soon as he started making noise but my dd was eating and i was alone so i couldn't do that.
I was so embarrassed, my dd is brilliant when we are out and my ds wasnt screaming just babbling loudly. Wibu?

OP posts:
BigGreyCloud · 10/04/2019 11:27

LittleChristmasMouse I suppose my point is even if there isn’t enough quieter places for people who need that, it’s not parents’ fault is it? You can’t blame them for using cafes/ pubs that are advertised as being child friendly, can you? I don’t really see what the solution is, other than more pubs/ cafes that are for adults only. But then pubs have moved away from that because it’s not profitable. Who’s going to run a business at a loss?

PRoseLegend · 10/04/2019 11:28

My first time out in a cafe with a young baby was at 6 weeks.
I was struggling to breastfeed as we had issues with tongue tie and fast let-down and I was using shields and kept dropping them and baby was crying.
I was there with another mum of a 6 week old, and her baby was relatively settled.
Anyway I felt awful about my baby being so noisy.
As I got up to pay after we'd finished, I found out that some lovely couple near us had paid for our entire meals!

It made our days.

This is the kind of response people should have to parents. Kind. We were all babies once, we can all show a little compassion.

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 11:29

Yes, when your child is little you want to be able to go out. You think they are the most amazing person to have ever lived.

But then they grow up and your needs as an adult change. You've done the sitting in whacky warehouses or macdonalds or harvesters picking bits of other kids smeared in food off the chairs and nudged the floor food that's been chucked there by the previous occupant to the side with your foot. Now it would be nice to go out for a grown up meal or to have a coffee with a friend and sit and chat. But now all of those places are full of children shouting, running about, chatting to you and showing you their toy while mum sits oblivious on her phone and you are expected to entertain her child so she gets 5 minutes peace.

I've had my children. I've done all that and now I would like to take my dad out for a quiet lunch or meet my friend for a chat somewhere that doesn't look like a playgroup.

BigGreyCloud · 10/04/2019 11:32

LittleChristmasMouse I understand that but again if places welcome children (and most do) you can’t blame parents for going to places that welcome their children. And you can’t blame businesses for not wanting to be adult only venues because they rely on the income families bring in. So I don’t know what the solution is. It certainly isn’t getting grumpy with parents who are doing nothing wrong using services aimed at them and their children.

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 11:33

BigGreyCloud

I understand what you are saying. But then mums with little ones equally need to understand that there isn't any choice for other people and they don't have the right to let their children become a nuisance to other people. Yes babbling and children chatting is normal. Shouting, screaming, throwing food and running around isn't fair on those around you and if you allow that then expect someone to say something.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 11:37

I've had my children. I've done all that and now I would like to take my dad out for a quiet lunch or meet my friend for a chat somewhere that doesn't look like a playgroup

Well the world doesn’t revolve around your wants frankly. Children exist. You don’t have more rights to be in public spaces than they do. Deal with it.

What if I said I didn’t want to see older people in a cafe because I want to enjoy a meal somewhere that doesn’t look like a nursing home? I’d never say that by the way, because it’s an awful thing to say, but to illustrate my point.

HauntedPencil · 10/04/2019 11:38

There are places you can go that you can do that in.

You can't expect people with young families to never go out.

I would expect having been there yourself a little understanding or tolerance would be easier for you.,

Did you never have a day where you ordered food and things went a little bit wrong? What would you have done walked out without feeding the older child? Taken their food off them?

I see this from time to time and I usually just feel sorry for the mum.

Don't conflate it with the small numbers of people who do let their children "run wild" and are not considerate. The OP did what she could under the circumstances.

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 11:38

If the older people were screaming, throwing food and running around then I would agree with you.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 11:41

if the older people were screaming, throwing food and running around then I would agree with you

We have already established (many fucking times) that the baby in question was behaving very typically for a 9 month old.

Older people probably do drop food more than younger people. Wheelchairs are bulky and take up space.

There are challenges with every demographic. A kind person accepts that and accommodates.

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 11:46

There are places you can go that you can do that in.

For the umpteenth time, where? Where are these places?

And no, my children didn't cause a nuisance. We didn't go out to cafes and restaurants when they were too little to sit still because, frankly, a child's idea of a good time is not sitting in costa with mum and her mates drinking lattes is it? And that is half the problem. They are bored and they want to be playing.

When they were older we went to family friendly places but I didn't go on my own. I went with someone else so that I could take 1 of them out if they misbehaved.

Don't conflate it with the small numbers of people who do let their children "run wild" and are not considerate.

If only it were a small number! If it isn't the child making the noise it's Peppa Pig on a loop playing on the phone, volume on high, so mummy can ignore the children and chat to her friends.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 11:48

when they were older we went to family friendly places but I didn't go on my own. I went with someone else so that I could take 1 of them out if they misbehaved.

And that’s not possible for many mums. How blinkered do you have to be to think that?

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 11:49

If it isn't the child making the noise it's Peppa Pig on a loop playing on the phone, volume on high, so mummy can ignore the children and chat to her friends.

None of this on any way applies to the OP so why are you bringing it up?

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 11:54

Because the OP doesn't exist in a vacuum does she? Maybe the couple who upset her have got fed up with the type of parents and children that I describe above and on this occasion they had just had enough.

InYerFace · 10/04/2019 11:55

YANBU. Some people seem to enjoy being pissed off at kids.

I once took DS1 (2) and DS2 (8 months) to a Giraffe for an early lunch - it had just turned 12pm. We were the only people in there, and they gave us a table at the window. A young couple came in and asked to be sat next to us in an otherwise empty restaurant which I thought was strange, but thought they might have wanted to be near the window too.

Through the course of the meal, DS1 who was a very quiet child, made no noise at all. But the baby was making typical baby gurgling noises. But I noticed the couple were not talking to each other at all.

When they got up to leave, the woman said to her companion purposefully for us to hear, "well that wasn't the relaxing meal we'd hoped for." And they both flounced off.

I was livid! They'd chosen to sit next to us in a completely empty restaurant, the kids never got up from the table and didn't cry or scream or throw food around. You can't really stop a baby making baby noises but if he'd have cried I'd have taken him out.

My point is, you can't please some people who just don't seem to enjoy being pissed off for some reason!

RhubarbandGin · 10/04/2019 11:57

Wow it is really sad to read this thread and realise just how many people hate young children. They have as much right to be a cafe as anyone else, noisey or not. If you don't like it then you should go to adult only venues, and leave eveyone else to it.

Katinkka · 10/04/2019 11:58

Maybe because the conversation has evolved to how much children can be a nuisance?

I pay £40 for facial each month which twice has been ruined by someone bringing children in to the salon. Which is all beauty btw. Not hair as well. It’s so bloody rude and inconsiderate. There is no escape from kids, none! I had 3 autistic boys. Try living with that! We didn’t go out to eat until they were old enough to behave. Yes, that took a long time but we coped.

I wish there were more adult only venues, I really do.

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 11:58

. If you don't like it then you should go to adult only venues, and leave eveyone else to it.

Again. Where is an adult only venue?

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 10/04/2019 12:00

I've just come back from playgroup so just reading the comments. My baby is a baby not a toddler. He can't run wild cause he can't run. He can't talk so his kind of shouting is different to a 2 year old shouting. I get that some people don't like children but I was there first and they chose to initially sit next to me. I cant always have another adult present it's just not possible I have no family close by and my dh is at work most of the week. Sometimes I need to go buy the kids some clothes etc so this means going out alone to the closest city.
Some peoples lives aren't as simple as others. I only moved to this area fairly recently so I only have a couple of friends here anyway.

OP posts:
MRex · 10/04/2019 12:02

@LittleChristmasMouse - so you had fun taking your kids out but now everyone else with kids must disappear. Well that's a pleasant attitude. All mums can't just go home at lunchtime to suit your convenience; even if it wasn't nice to get out there are times when the mum needs to eat and their children need to eat.

The answer for you is to go to a higher priced quiet restaurant, or eat outside baby lunchtime (11.30-1 is when almost every young child eats, just eat earlier or later), or go for dinner instead, or go to a less family friendly pub, or go to a restaurant with an upstairs and sit there (no pushchairs!), or look inside the cafe before you go in and either pick another venue, or get a quiet table away from families... You're the one being unreasonable by expecting public spaces to be quiet when you choose, so you should make a teeny tiny effort to avoid inconvenience that only upsets you. I strongly suspect you prefer moaning though, so you won't do anything to help yourself.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 12:02

Maybe the couple who upset her have got fed up with the type of parents and children that I describe above and on this occasion they had just had enough.

Well then they (and you) are being ridiculous for punishing the OP for other people's behaviour. She's not responsible for that.

teletubbies123 · 10/04/2019 12:05

Families spend more when they go out if you want an adult only space then go into a pub after 8pm when the families are tipping out.

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 10/04/2019 12:06

It does interest me that some people think I shouldn't take young children out to eat. I only see my parents about 5 times a year and they often want to treat us to a meal out when we visit. We always go somewhere family friendly at around 12pm ish for lunch. Should families not go out in this situation because of the young children. At what age is it acceptable for children to go out for meals? If it's at say 4 that will mean my dd will be 8 before she can eat outside the home.

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 10/04/2019 12:07

We go to cafes a lot and we never encounter children screaming, running around and throwing food across the room. We don't go at peak times so maybe those things do happen then but if you like it quiet then it is better avoiding peak times anyway.
Adults only doesn't mean it will be quiet. Ds who is severely disabled will be an adult soon but he still makes noises and does loud 'chatting'.

LittleChristmasMouse · 10/04/2019 12:09

so you had fun taking your kids out but now everyone else with kids must disappear.

Yes, if you class soft play, playgroups, Tumble Tots fun places to go. We did not go to restaurants until they were 4 or 5 and even then it was Pizza Hut or Harvester type places. Never ever took them to a coffee shop.

The places you describe just don't exist here. Mums are in costa/starbucks and wetherspoons from just after school drop off for breakfast. Then again as you say 11.30 - 1 and then another wave at 3.30 after school. No places here with an upstairs. Only pub is wetherspoons.

Roxyxoxo · 10/04/2019 12:11

It was rude of them, but they are just as entitled to find it annoying as you are to take your family out for food. It can be hard when you’re with your children all of the time to determine if the noise they are making is excessive. Either way you absolutely should not feel bad about it, it’s just one comment- although it’s hard try to move forward and forget it.