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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby in cafe

658 replies

Ginnymweasley · 09/04/2019 18:52

Today I was out with my dd(3) and my ds (9 months). We went into a small cafe for lunch, sat down and decided what we were having etc. Waitress came over and we ordered and i asked for a high chair, she informed me there was only 1 high chair and it was in use. So I got ds out if his pram for a bit cause he hates being in it if we are not moving.
He sat on my knee and played for a few mins but then started to get grumpy. He is at that stage where he wants to be moving as much as possible. I got up with him and let him walk around the table a few times holding my hands etc. He wasnt crying or anything just a trying to get down and throwing toys.
A couple came and sat on the table next to us. I stayed stood up with the baby,I didn't go near their table just let him walk around the chair/table to his sister and back. He started shouting a bit, again not crying just babbling loudly. I shushed him, picked him up and tried to distract him. By this point our food arrived.
I strapped him back in his pram and gave him some food to eat. He was again babbling and threw a few bits on the floor. The couple next to us at this point got up,loudly asked to be moved as they didn't like noisy children and parents that couldn't control them. I apologised but they just turned round and said I should have left the cafe as soon as he started making noise but my dd was eating and i was alone so i couldn't do that.
I was so embarrassed, my dd is brilliant when we are out and my ds wasnt screaming just babbling loudly. Wibu?

OP posts:
tomhazard · 10/04/2019 06:40

I have kids and kids crying/babbling at cafes incenses me. Leave!!!! And let everyone lunch in peace.

Were your kids silent when they were babies? No babbling or talking? Or did you literally never take them out in public or out to eat?

Flatwhite32 · 10/04/2019 06:55

YANBU OP! My DD is nearly 9 months, and sounds like your baby. She won't sit still on my lap, but enjoys being in a high chair. She does sit fairly well in her buggy, but still prefers a high chair, so a place with only one high chair would put me off. My DD is also loud when excited. You can tell some of the comments on here (like a 'toddler running around' Hmm) are very likely from people without kids! A 9 month old doesn't understand being told to be quiet!

Flatwhite32 · 10/04/2019 06:57

@Lorrainekellysaccountant Try having lunch with a 9 month old! Thrown/dropped food is inevitable! Again, they don't understand.

Buddytheelf85 · 10/04/2019 07:31

I was just reading another thread about dog friendly beaches. Which was full of comments demonising dogs. And comments about dogs vs children.

And I realised that when I’ve been out in cafes, restaurants, and at public spaces such as beaches, it’s rarely been children OR dogs who’ve bothered me. It’s most often been loud, boorish, inconsiderate adults. I’d far rather listen to the sound of a baby babbling while I’m eating than some arrogant tosser droning on about himself at the top of his voice, or some idiot’s music played through a tinny speaker or whatever. Last time I went out to eat the man at the table next to us held a long phone conversation with someone on speaker phone. That was definitely more irritating than a baby babbling. But for some reason people are way more likely to complain about the behaviour of a child or an animal than the behaviour of a fully grown adult who should know better.

ScreamingValenta · 10/04/2019 07:39

A noisy baby would annoy me but I wouldn't say anything - it's not the baby's/mum's fault, it's just what babies are like. I'd move discreetly if I could, or else just hurry through my food.

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 10/04/2019 07:54

How would you describe a baby who is babbling loudly? I honestly don't know if others would describe it as shouting. Same with the food. I always pick it up which I have stated a few times. If I'm not meant to take him out till say 2/3 then my dd doesnt get to eat out either. It's not as simple as just leaving him with my dh as he is only home 1 day a week. He really isn't a bad baby just a normal 9 month old.

OP posts:
HenSolo · 10/04/2019 08:00

Anyone who isn't entirely welcoming of mums and babies are intolerant arseholes who don't care that mums and children have a right to be out in public not stuck at home right?

That’s right! Well done

Poppyputthekettleon · 10/04/2019 08:06

They were very rude, but while the noise wouldn't bother me the throwing food would have as I find it gross, I might have moved so I didn't have to see it but I wouldn't have said anything as I know it's something babies do.

IQuit3 · 10/04/2019 08:08

yanbu!!

ethelfleda · 10/04/2019 08:09

Can I also add, how are parents supposed to teach their children to behave well in public if they’re not allowed to take them out in public?

ittakes2 · 10/04/2019 08:11

I'm sorry with only one high chair they don't sound like a child friendly cafe!

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 08:18

OP you are definitely NBU. They sound like dicks.

It’s a shame that the UK is so child intolerant (illustrated amply on this thread Hmm).

Move to Italy. They’re so lovely with kids over there.

Piglet89 · 10/04/2019 08:21

Hi OP. I used to be quite intolerant myself of babies and toddlers in cafes and so on. But one Friday afternoon about 8 years ago, my mum and I went the British Museum for her birthday. There was a mother and toddler group out there with prams etc. And it suddenly got me thinking – what our mothers on maternity leave with babies supposed to do? Just stay at home all day? How boring! Like a mini prison.

The other big issue here is gender equality. Men, here in the UK at least, rarely have to consider these dilemmas at all. They entirely bypass them, despite these being their children too. They are seldom placed in the position of having to juggle small children in public places while dealing with the judgement of strangers. The OP has said that her own husband is only home one day a week. They really have very little understanding of this world and how stressful and tiring it can be.This is one of the many reasons I am pushing for my husband to take a month (which is not long in the overall scheme!) Parental leave when our son is born. He needs to understand this world, face these stresses and learn to deal with them and realise it is by no means a cakewalk!

OP, you were doing your best in difficult circs I think. The couple could have moved if it was irritating them that much, and by the sounds of it could also have been nicer about it.

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 10/04/2019 08:21

The highchair thing was apologised for and it was explained to me they were expecting more to arrive. I've never been there before but I'm guessing they have either recently changed management or had a refurb or something but I'm not sure. They gave my dd colouring pens and an activity book so they were prepared for children.

OP posts:
Bingandflop2019 · 10/04/2019 08:25

@user1493413286 That is a very, very entitled attitude you have there!
"I won't shush my child, I encourage interaction" in the same sentence as "Shouldn't have to avoid cafès?!" So in other words, you give ZERO consideration to other paying customers? You don't even attempt to keep it down slightly, you actively encourage them to be as loud as they like and don't give a toss about who's lunch you're affecting?
What about the lady who's just lost her husband and is coming out for a coffee with a friend for the first time? Or the separated couple who haven't seen each other for a few weeks and are having a serious discussion about their relationship? Or mother & adult daughter who are having their weekly coffee, which for the mother is the only adult interaction she has each week.....

My point is, respect goes BOTH ways. Learn some!!!!!!!

Bingandflop2019 · 10/04/2019 08:28

Ps, I am NOT suggesting ANY parent should ever have to 'avoid' cafès!!! (I have a toddler with ASD btw so I know how hard it is). I was merely quoting your words. Absolutely no parent should ever avoid a cafe! No way! But encouraging them to be loud?! Bang out of order

Sirzy · 10/04/2019 08:32

I think if you go to somewhere like a cafe with young children, no matter how family friendly it is, you need to be prepared to leave if they get too noisy/upset/angsty.

There is a differences between normal baby noise and loud frustrated baby noise.

user1493413286 · 10/04/2019 08:35

Bingandflop2019 and all of those things would be spoilt by a baby chattering loudly? Maybe I am a bit of an entitled first time mum but I guess that the sound of a baby chattering has never spoilt a coffee or lunch for me even before I had children.
I wouldn’t have encouraged my DD to be loud but I did used to talk back to her to encourage her interaction and to shush her would confuse her.
When I visit cafes and restaurants there’s often people talking very loudly or laughing loudly and it’s never occurred to me that they shouldn’t do this or that I should make comments to them.

Prequelle · 10/04/2019 08:35

I wouldn't want to be sitting down eating where a person was walking up and down with her kid and he was being fussy.

Bingandflop2019 · 10/04/2019 08:38

@user1493413286 Baby chattering? That wasn't what you said though was it? You said you "actively encourage" your child to be noisy! It's disgraceful behaviour. What are you teaching your child? To have no respect for anyone else but yourself 👍🏻

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 10/04/2019 08:39

The people saying I should leave as soon as he starts making noise. How do I do this if my dd is still eating? I am willing to go without my dinner but I cant expect he to do the same. I'm not arguing I just don't understand how it is possible with 2 children when I'm alone which I am most of the time. I had pnd with dd and I don't ever want to feel trapped in the house again tbh. I am just trying to juggle both of them like many parents out there.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 08:39

Why would a toddler walking around with his mother in a quiet corner be such an issue? Confused

Seriously, people need to check their own entitlement. You’re not king of the world, kids have a right to be in public spaces too.

Bingandflop2019 · 10/04/2019 08:42

@Ginnymweasley I think it's 50/50. They were unkind but I think you were being a little unreasonable by walking your baby round the cafè.... It would seem a bit like performance parenting to me if I'd been sat there. Like "everyone look at my baby!"

As for the noise your son was making, as long as you were at least attempting to quieten him down (ie: shushing him/attempting to distract him etc) then it wouldn't bother me much at all. What really bothers me is when parents sit there and do absolutely nothing whilst their kids are making all the noise they like, as loud as they like!!! 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 08:43

I had pnd with dd and I don't ever want to feel trapped in the house again tbh

This is a HUGE issue and one that’s totally glossed over.

With DS1 I could feel the impact on my mental health after just one day without leaving the house. My local coffee shops were a lifeline in managing myself.

LaurieMarlow · 10/04/2019 08:44

t would seem a bit like performance parenting to me if I'd been sat there. Like "everyone look at my baby!"

Oh great, let’s haul out this additional stick to beat mothers with.Hmm