AIBU to back out of house-sitting for my friend with 2 weeks to go?

[Alwaysunderwhelming]

OK, I know IABU and I'm not sure I can go through with it, but I'm so stressed about this.

Me and this woman are mature students on a grad medicine course. I looked after her house for her last summer for a week. I stayed there and took care of her 3 cats.

She asked me to do it again this year. Initially I said it might clash with an event, but around December I said I would be free. She said "great, we can confirm the details nearer the time".

I heard nothing. In Feb I sent her a long message apologising but saying I could no longer help. The reason was: we now only have Good Friday - Sun 28th off university, and I need to have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist that week. I have bipolar disorder and my reviews every 3 months are integral, especially due to the nature of my course and its stressors.

She replied and said "oh no, we've booked all the flights!" and said she'd nearly had a heart attack at my message. So obviously I said "fine, don't worry, I just won't see my doctor". I didn't want to create drama and cause issues. She also said she wants me to take the dogs, which we hadn't previously agreed, and she has booked the entire holiday period (literally from midday on Good Friday until the Sunday afternoon), so I can't go home and see my own family during Easter and will be alone in her house for the entire period.

I really wish she has asked me before she booked. She does pay me but the pay is of absolutely no consequence. I just want some time with my family and to see my doctor.

She also lives in a tiny village with no bus services out, and I don't drive, so I will be isolated for over a week without anyone to speak to. With the current status of my mental health and the stress of exams, I'm worried about the effect that'll have on me.

I can't back out, can I? I should have said no to start with. I'm so unhappy.

She didn’t do you the courtesy of agreeing the dates, you already explained why you couldn’t do it, it’s her problem not yours. Your health and well-being is far more important

I think you should back out in the circumstances as you need to look after yourself. But I think this is a lesson for the future - you shouldn’t agree to things you don’t want to do. You will be leaving her in a much worse position than if you had just stuck to your guns in February.

Tell her your psychiatrist wants to see you asap and you cant put this off or you risk your place on the course

OP if you are going to practice medicine it is essential that you look after your own health.

This is a good time to start doing that.

I just wanted to say WELL DONE op. Saying no to her was obviously hard for you but I'm hoping you are realising it's ok to put yourself first and say no to things.

Your 'friend' is being a cheeky mare and needs to factor in the cost of pet care into her holiday cost.

If she replies with any form of pleas at all, have some responses ready - as a tip from me, don't get sucked into explaining why you can't do it because it'll give her a chance to find 'solutions' for you. Use stock statements - eg "As I said, I can't do it I'm afraid / I understand but I'm not able to do it."
If you're feeling particularly brave, you could add "you shouldn't have booked flights without talking to me first / It is unfair of you to expect me to spend the Easter break completely alone just so you can go on holiday."

Again - well done op 🥳

We all make mistakes. Sometimes you have to work through that mistake and learn never to get yourself in that position again. Other times, you have to admit your mistake and confess that you can't do what you thought you could.

You are doing the right thing by recognising your health needs and the potential impact on you. In medicine they use the phrase 'life over limb' for situations where there is no good solution to a problem, just a less worse one. Backing out is your 'life over limb' solution. Your friend will just have to accept it.

Well done OP. She’s not much of a friend for taking advantage of you like this, changing the goal posts, not confirming dates with you and then guilt tripping you.

Try to remember that and don’t feel guilty. You did the right thing.

Also, you both have the same uni conditions. She will be getting a whole holiday to wind down, and you have a whole holiday of isolation and responsibility. How is that fair??

Well done. As well as prioritising your health you will need to remember to be able to maintain clear boundaries with all manner of CFs when you work in medicine so you’ve made a good start today.

Enjoy your break.

Well done OP. There is massive relief in putting yourself first for once, especially if you are prone to bending to the will of others, as so many of us do.

The actual act of saying no is the easiest part, it all the worrying that precedes it, is far worse.

I know that you feel you have let her down, but she did bully you into agreeing, when more sensitive people would have said "of course you should keep your appointment". So, on balance I think that you have nothing to reproach yourself about. Have a lovely Easter.

I personally wouldn't back out. No way.

I think it's too late to back out now
So you think OP should miss a vital meeting with her psychiatrist and risk her mental health by house sitting because manners are more important than looking after yourself?

No one would want to be stuck the arse end of nowhere by themselves for over a week, when they had poor mental health.
The friend will easily get the animals sorted but she will have to pay properly.

I have a relative pet sit for me (they live at home with parents) and I have already booked them for my winter holiday, but I explicitly confirmed the dates before I booked a single thing.

So you are NBU in regard to her assumptions and lack of confirmation.

But you are being a bit U given your short notice cancellation. A cat is one thing but multiple dogs and cats is a much larger logistical challenge at short notice.

Well done OP, you have 100 percent done the right thing.

I have two cats that I wouldn't be willing to put in a cattery and I have maybe 6 or 7 different people I know would look after them, I would never rely on only having one plan as I know unavoidable stuff happens in people's lives and I would never make a friend feel bad if something genuine came up that prevented them from doing me a big favour (which it is, even if you pay them).

This person isn't a friend, the minute you said in Feb that you couldn't do it she should have said 'OK thanks for letting me know, I'll sort something else out".

When you said "oh OK I'll just miss my psychiatrist appointment then" she definitely should have said she'd make other arrangements.

This is a person using you who doesn't give a shit about you, who realises that you struggle with assertiveness. If you're on Mumsnet for long enough you see that Cheeky Fuckers seem to be able to sniff out people who struggle to say no.

Try not to give it another thought. She was never a friend to start with so you've lost nothing and you should block her contact details so she can't bother you again.

Maybe talk to your psychiatrist about being referred to a psychologist who can help you with boundaries / assertiveness?

Good luck with your exams OP, don't let this stupid shit distract you.

Someone on Mumsnet recommended "the life changing magic of not giving a fuck"

I read it and now practice the "not sorry" method - hence the username - I'm also now recommending it

no way should you risk your health - those saying that you should honour the arrangement clearly have no idea how difficult and possibly dangerous it could be for you

well done OP - don't feel guilty - when people choose to have pets they have a responsibilty to them, she will sort it

I was going to say if she's in my area I'd happily pet sit over Easter, as I actually like being shut away on my own with cats and dogs. But she sounds like a guilt tripping arse, so I don't want to.

The friend will easily get the animals sorted but she will have to pay properly.

Not with this little notice she won't.

It's Easter coming up as well as school holidays - everywhere will have been booked up weeks ago. Good kennels and catteries are booked up months in advance at the best of times!

A true friend would be more concerned for your mental health. I think you should consider this "friendship over"

Your mental health is so important, please take care of yourself.

adaline with respect, that's not the OPs problem, a pet owner (especially with dogs) should always have a plan B.

What if the OP had broken her hip? What if the OPs parent had died? Shit happens, the pets are the owners responsibility alone and if they haven't got back up then it's their own stupid fault if they miss the holiday.

You made the right decision. My DSis always arranges cat care with neighbours and as far as I know has never considered using a paid for service. This sometimes messes up her holiday plans. As a pp said, if you have pets, you have to have a plan B and it generally involves paying one of the many professional services. It is not your problem that she or her DH were trying to save £££ at your expemse (I doubt she offered what a sitter or cattery/kennel would charge).

It’s annoying but she’ll be able to find someone. And she totally guilted you into it in the first place!

Point her in the direction of trusted sitters - it’s quite amazing. Like airbnb for cat sitters and home owners to swap accommodation for free cat sitting. I have found all my cat sitters through there in recent times.

OP, this woman is no friend of yours. Please block her number before she starts sending messages to guilt trip you further. She's a nasty piece pf work. Your mental health is far more important. She has other options, she just doesn't want to use them.