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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to back out of house-sitting for my friend with 2 weeks to go?

145 replies

Alwaysunderwhelming · 09/04/2019 16:59

OK, I know IABU and I'm not sure I can go through with it, but I'm so stressed about this.

Me and this woman are mature students on a grad medicine course. I looked after her house for her last summer for a week. I stayed there and took care of her 3 cats.

She asked me to do it again this year. Initially I said it might clash with an event, but around December I said I would be free. She said "great, we can confirm the details nearer the time".

I heard nothing. In Feb I sent her a long message apologising but saying I could no longer help. The reason was: we now only have Good Friday - Sun 28th off university, and I need to have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist that week. I have bipolar disorder and my reviews every 3 months are integral, especially due to the nature of my course and its stressors.

She replied and said "oh no, we've booked all the flights!" and said she'd nearly had a heart attack at my message. So obviously I said "fine, don't worry, I just won't see my doctor". I didn't want to create drama and cause issues. She also said she wants me to take the dogs, which we hadn't previously agreed, and she has booked the entire holiday period (literally from midday on Good Friday until the Sunday afternoon), so I can't go home and see my own family during Easter and will be alone in her house for the entire period.

I really wish she has asked me before she booked. She does pay me but the pay is of absolutely no consequence. I just want some time with my family and to see my doctor.

She also lives in a tiny village with no bus services out, and I don't drive, so I will be isolated for over a week without anyone to speak to. With the current status of my mental health and the stress of exams, I'm worried about the effect that'll have on me.

I can't back out, can I? I should have said no to start with. I'm so unhappy.

OP posts:
Delatron · 09/04/2019 18:20

I think she’s taking the piss out of you and being cheeky, especially adding the dogs in. It’s not hard to get care for dogs and cats and she shouldn’t have made you feel guilty.

Tell her now though. Say your circumstances have changed and you absolutely need to keep your docs appointment and see your family at Easter.

modzy78 · 09/04/2019 18:30

I'd tell her you can't miss your doctor's appointment and that you are sorry that you must back out. I strongly disagree with those telling you to tell her your exact medical reasons. A classmate has NO reason to know your medical history, particularly regarding mental health. If she pushes for details about your appointment (likely to try and get you to put it off), explain that it's a need to know basis, as she's aware being on a medical programme.

Original poster
Alwaysunderwhelming · 09/04/2019 18:39

I sent the message.. she said she was sorry to hear about my health but now it's likely one of them won't be able to go on holiday and "we are both in a difficult situation now".

OP posts:
CottonSock · 09/04/2019 18:48

Try not to stress, she has to find a house sitter or pet sitter. It's not that hard

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2019 18:49

Well done.

It's not your responsibility and you do not need to feel guilty. She's trying to make you feel guilty in case it works this time and you change your mind.

I would just reply with a final message to say

"I am terribly sorry and I do hope you can find someone even though it's short notice. I think there are some agencies that could probably help and I can Google if you like. I hate to let you down but I'm sure you understand about my mental health."

As I said, as a health professional she needs to understand.

runsmidgeOMG · 09/04/2019 18:49

She's no friend to you OP. I know her sort, you'll be her favourite as long as you dance to her tune. Toxic. Do not engage

PotterHead1985 · 09/04/2019 18:49

She put herself in that situation when she booked before confirming with you. Her problem. Don't let her guilt you.

Texel · 09/04/2019 18:50

She didn't ask you before booking, she created this difficult situation herself. Don't be guilted back in to staying!

WarmthAndDepth · 09/04/2019 18:51

Well done, you! I'm so pleased that you sent the message. As a mentor once told me, "There will be no gold stars in heaven for..." in this case, going along with your friend's presumptuous plans, and risking your health in the process. Many people just cannot imagine living with a MH condition, and so are completely unable to empathise. Once you have managed to tune out your friend's outrageous attempts at guilt-tripping you, I hope you will be able to relax into the wonderful act of self-care you have just given yourself. Lots of love to you Flowers

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/04/2019 18:52

She's taking the piss, she could join a house sitting agency and get someone.

Wantmyflipflops · 09/04/2019 18:54

I cannot believe someone would expect you to be on your own over Easter regardless of you MH issues. Do not be emotionally blackmailed in to this. She changed the goal posts by not giving you dates and adding the dogs on so you are well within your rights to say no. Her pets are not your responsibility x

Fortheloveofscience · 09/04/2019 18:54

“I’m sorry to hear about your health but...” is not the response of a friend - she’s trying to guilt you into changing your mind again. Stick to your guns.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/04/2019 18:54

I sent the message.. she said she was sorry to hear about my health but now it's likely one of them won't be able to go on holiday and "we are both in a difficult situation now".

Rubbish. She hasn't even tried to find another house-sitter/cattery etc yet so she has no idea how "likely" it is. Don't feel guilty. You've made the right decision, OP so try to put it out of your mind now.

Well done. Enjoy the time with your family.

Orchidflower1 · 09/04/2019 18:54

You made the right choice op. She does sound like she’s making a drama out of it and being very unfair to you. She could get an agency/ use family.

You are important and she should appreciate your situation more. 💐

Original poster
Alwaysunderwhelming · 09/04/2019 18:55

Thanks for being there with me, all of you.

I once tried 3 times to quit a job in Tesco (a summer job), after they had sacked a manager for sexually propositioning me, guilted me into working twice my agreed hours, and generally made me absolutely miserable. I kept handing in my letter of resignation and they kept saying "oh come on, do one more shift, I don't have anyone else". Was awful. I definitely have trouble saying no.

This was huge for me. Thank you all.

OP posts:
MightyAtlantic · 09/04/2019 18:56

Well done OP! Flowers Don't engage with her any further about this, she created the difficult situation, not you. I can guarantee they will both end up going on holiday.
I hope you have a nice time with your family at Easter.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2019 18:57

You done good. Book your travel to see your family, or call them and arrange your Easter break. Make firm plans now that you can, so you are not tempted to back down again. Flowers

JamPasty · 09/04/2019 18:58

Well done OP, you've done excellently!! This person was absolutely taking the piss, so don't feel even a scrap of guilt about putting your health first. Have a cuppa/cake/treat and a hug!

gamerchick · 09/04/2019 19:01

I sent the message.. she said she was sorry to hear about my health but now it's likely one of them won't be able to go on holiday and "we are both in a difficult situation now"

Message her back this

'im sorry to hear that, hope you get sorted. Take care.'

Then ignore any guilt tripping.

werideatdawn · 09/04/2019 19:04

Please don't be guilt tripped. Your mental health is paramount. She is being extremely selfish.

Iseewhatyoumeanthistime · 09/04/2019 19:06

OP, she's still trying to guilt trip and bully you into changing your mind. ^^
Like many PPs have said there are kennels and catteries, that's what they're for. Don't apologise anymore. You need to look after yourself.

adulthumanwolf · 09/04/2019 19:07

Why can't the pets go into cattery/kennel if she has nobody to do it?

justmyview · 09/04/2019 19:10

I think there was fault on both sides -

you previously did house sitting for a week, you told her you were available, and it doesn't seem to me that your health has deteriorated since you confirmed that you would do the house sitting

she assumed you would take the dogs too, and booked flights without checking dates with you first

Having a house sitter that you know and trust is totally different from a stranger via an agency. I think it's too late to back out now

JamPasty · 09/04/2019 19:12

It's never too late to back out when doing something would put your health and indeed your life at risk. OP has done the right thing

werideatdawn · 09/04/2019 19:17

justmyview and if her mental health deteriorates to the level of a suicide attempt that's just okay is it?

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