AIBU to back out of house-sitting for my friend with 2 weeks to go?

[Alwaysunderwhelming]

OK, I know IABU and I'm not sure I can go through with it, but I'm so stressed about this.

Me and this woman are mature students on a grad medicine course. I looked after her house for her last summer for a week. I stayed there and took care of her 3 cats.

She asked me to do it again this year. Initially I said it might clash with an event, but around December I said I would be free. She said "great, we can confirm the details nearer the time".

I heard nothing. In Feb I sent her a long message apologising but saying I could no longer help. The reason was: we now only have Good Friday - Sun 28th off university, and I need to have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist that week. I have bipolar disorder and my reviews every 3 months are integral, especially due to the nature of my course and its stressors.

She replied and said "oh no, we've booked all the flights!" and said she'd nearly had a heart attack at my message. So obviously I said "fine, don't worry, I just won't see my doctor". I didn't want to create drama and cause issues. She also said she wants me to take the dogs, which we hadn't previously agreed, and she has booked the entire holiday period (literally from midday on Good Friday until the Sunday afternoon), so I can't go home and see my own family during Easter and will be alone in her house for the entire period.

I really wish she has asked me before she booked. She does pay me but the pay is of absolutely no consequence. I just want some time with my family and to see my doctor.

She also lives in a tiny village with no bus services out, and I don't drive, so I will be isolated for over a week without anyone to speak to. With the current status of my mental health and the stress of exams, I'm worried about the effect that'll have on me.

I can't back out, can I? I should have said no to start with. I'm so unhappy.

OP does get paid for the house sitting she’s already said that

Oops, must have missed that. It changes nothing though. If she was willing to pay OP she can pay someone else.

If I was OP's friend, even if I had to cancel my trip and lose money etc (which is unlikely anyway) I'd rather than than my friend miss an important appointment with their Psychiatrist at a time when they're already vulnerable to relapse due to feeling stressed. I'd hate to think I'd contributed to someone becoming seriously unwell and potentially a risk to themselves because they didn't want to inconvenience me.

Jesus Christ op I can’t believe she didn’t sort this out in February when you first alerted her.

You can and must back out how. Your life comes way before her holiday.
Send her a message now, whilst we are all with you and say your app with your doctor is now pressing and absolutely essential. Apologise and wish her a lovely holiday.

Do NOT get involved finding her a replacement. This is not your problem. They are her pets and she will work something out.

The fact she added her dogs is astonishing without asking you. She is a CF!!!!!

Op put your Mh first and go and see your family

Can people stop telling OP she should have backed out in Febuary. I'm sure she realises that now, but that insight isn't very helpful to her now is it?

It would be a bit shitty to back out now when nothing has changed since you agreed to still do it. 2 weeks is very short notice for the friend to make alternative arrangements. Why can't you still go to your appointment? Cats and dogs can be left for a few hours. Get a taxi. Or like others have suggested see if someone can come and stay with you. Your friend was stupid for not checking dates with you before booking. You cant miss your appointment.

Nothing too add that hasn't been covered OP, please look after yourself

Does she know about your history specifically around isolation? If nto you HAVE to tell her.

And if she's any sort of health professional at all she will listen and step up, no matter that it is inconvenient to her.

In fact, I am pretty gobsmacked that when you explained you needed to see a psychiatrist over that period she didn't offer to let you duck out.

Way too short notice for her to get another sitter organised now. OP should have cancelled back in February.

No it isn't. I house sit and I'm free those dates. No doubt others will be too. If the OP fell over and broke her leg, or came down with flu, she'd have to get someone else. The OP's mental health is paramount. You don't mess around with bipolar disorder.

Those saying you should do it clearly haven’t read your update op. You absolutely can not do it.

It is short notice but it is not the-day-before-leaving short notice.

She may have to pay a premium and/or accept a less than ideal situation.

But the OP shouldn't feel guilty about safeguarding her mental health. If isolation is a trigger for her then she should not put herself in that situation. End of.

you poor thing.

Definitely back out. Your health is so much more important. Ignore all the posters who are being nasty and dismissing your mh concerns.

When you messaged in December she said she'd confirm dates. She didn't do that. She just went ahead and booked. Then in Feb she used this to guilt you into agreeing.
She's booked the whole hol off, what about you, do you not deserve some time in your break from a hectic course to do what you want and see family etc - especially as you don't drive and she lives isolated. You can tell she has only thought about herself and not you.
And then adding dogs and moving the goalposts further.

She is NOT a friend. She is a USER. She will only have time for you as long as you are useful to her and will drop you like a hot potato when you are not.
Do NOT feel like you are going to ruin a friendship, there isn't one there to be ruined. You are a decent person. She is not. She is taking advantage of your nature.

Back out. Be firm. Give her and house/cat/dog sitting service info anyone has passed onto but then it's up to her. Do not feel like you are doing anything wrong.

Then take your break to see your psychiatrist and get your mental health check. Go see your family. Do whatever you feel like doing and most of all relax and enjoy yourself.

Hugs. 🤗

She can easily find other options

Your health goes first - please tell her that and see your family and consultant.

If she doesnt understand she is not your friend she is taking advantage

As a medical student you need to practice sticking up for yourself and creating boundaries. The pressures will get worse once you qualify. Saying no, I've have plans or I need to do xyz is a vital skill needed for survival.
If you'd become medically sick or broken a leg you'd pull out due to illness. Mental health is just as important and just as serious. You are unwell, you must look after your own health before seeing to others.
Call her now, apologise say your unwell and not going to be able to do it. If this is scary, blame your doctor and say that they have said you must see them.
She is not a friend if she thinks her house sitting is more important than your health.
You've both made mistakes here - she by pushing you and booking without confirming. You by not saying no then.
None of that matters. Your health comes first - whether physical or mental. You need to pull out.
She'll cope. Kennels can take pets and houses can survive without being occupied. She'll manage without you no matter how inconvenient it is to her. You won't manage if you do it.

Also, I agree with PP that she's displaying a monumental failure of empathy. Why does she think you'd be happy to sit alone in her empty house for the whole of Easter for a pittance while she goes on an expensive foreign holiday? Would you ever ask anyone to do that?

Absolutely fuck that. There is no way you should put some bloody cats ahead of your health. Tell her you’re very sorry but circumstances have changed, you are not healthy enough right now and cannot do it at all. Do not break. Send her a list of cat sitters or catteries if you want to be helpful but that’s it.

Definelty pull out, she didn't tell you the dates, then when you contacted to say no she pressured you into it. Pull out, your mental health is the mos t important.

OP I'm just adding my voice to the others tbh, you absolutely must back out. This is not a choice, you just have to. Fair enough, it's far from ideal timing but this is your health at stake. Please don't do this, look after yourself.

She can easily get a pet sitter/ dog walker if she pays, no problem.Tell her to put a request on facebook for her city.
Don't worry about it just tell her now and don't be available for any more of these type of things. You know they are not for you.

I think neither of you is unreasonable.

She's not being unreasonable because it might depend on where she lives. The kennels and catteries may already be booked up, and would have probably required notice far in advance (with vet paperwork) that she may not have enough time now to get places for her pets. I have been in this position and luckily I called around before I booked plane tickets.

You are not unreasonable either, because she is quite isolated. Could she not give you the money for a taxi to go to your appointment and back? Also she should have checked with you on the days in question. You'll need to have an honest conversation with her that you want to see your family. Maybe she would also be willing to fund your transport to see your family as well? Maybe you can give her these suggestions and try to come up with a solution that you feel OK with.

Oh yeah, like noholidays said, would it be possible for you to do some of the time (e.g. 4-6) days and have her sort something else out for the rest? You don't have to do ityour mental health is the most importantbut it might be a good compromise solution.

Your health is so important. Tell her you can't do it. There are agencies for house/pet sitters. She will have to book one, or she can put her animals into kennels and lock up her house.

Just explain that the doctors appointment has now become more urgent than you initially thought in February and you can no longer house sit. She may be annoyed but the response should be more understanding. If it's not, you know she wasn't worth it as a friend anyway.

With 2 weeks, she has time to get an alternative arrangement in place if she can be bothered. Don't be convenient to someone else at the expense of your own health.

Yes absolutely back out. I’m sure she’ll be able to find someone to feed her cats eg a neighbour. You need to look after yourself in this situation. I can’t believe she bullied you into it after you said you needed to see your doctor. Cheeky cow. She’s not behaving like a friend at all.

You can absolutely back out now OP, all you need to say is 'somethings come up and I can't help'. End of. 2 weeks is not even really short notice, its not like its the day before. If she never speaks to you again, so what, she'll get over it.

Ok look, your health has to take priority here. Yes it is not great that you've left if late to tell her however she does have time to make alternative arrangements.

Text or call her now, once it's done you'll feel better.

OP your whole post screams that you SHOULD back out. Your friend can kennel her dogs or ask somebody else to have them. For her it's not the end of the world for you to back out. I know you will initially feel bad for doing so but you need to see your family and your doctor. There is nothing more important than your health be it physical or mental. Good luck!