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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to back out of house-sitting for my friend with 2 weeks to go?

145 replies

Alwaysunderwhelming · 09/04/2019 16:59

OK, I know IABU and I'm not sure I can go through with it, but I'm so stressed about this.

Me and this woman are mature students on a grad medicine course. I looked after her house for her last summer for a week. I stayed there and took care of her 3 cats.

She asked me to do it again this year. Initially I said it might clash with an event, but around December I said I would be free. She said "great, we can confirm the details nearer the time".

I heard nothing. In Feb I sent her a long message apologising but saying I could no longer help. The reason was: we now only have Good Friday - Sun 28th off university, and I need to have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist that week. I have bipolar disorder and my reviews every 3 months are integral, especially due to the nature of my course and its stressors.

She replied and said "oh no, we've booked all the flights!" and said she'd nearly had a heart attack at my message. So obviously I said "fine, don't worry, I just won't see my doctor". I didn't want to create drama and cause issues. She also said she wants me to take the dogs, which we hadn't previously agreed, and she has booked the entire holiday period (literally from midday on Good Friday until the Sunday afternoon), so I can't go home and see my own family during Easter and will be alone in her house for the entire period.

I really wish she has asked me before she booked. She does pay me but the pay is of absolutely no consequence. I just want some time with my family and to see my doctor.

She also lives in a tiny village with no bus services out, and I don't drive, so I will be isolated for over a week without anyone to speak to. With the current status of my mental health and the stress of exams, I'm worried about the effect that'll have on me.

I can't back out, can I? I should have said no to start with. I'm so unhappy.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2019 17:20

Regardless of Meme's perspective, the issue here is you're saying no because of your mental wellbeing / ill health. You're not a fllibbertygiblet who just can't be arsed. You're going to make yourself unwell if you do it and you're going to jepordise your course.
You told her about the doctor and she just guikted you into sticking.

Tell her you're sorry but you are not well enough to do it. You tried telling her in Feb but she'd booked the dates without confirming with you and you wanted to make it work for her. You can't. You hope she understands that you can't compromise your mental health by staying.

Shapesandshops · 09/04/2019 17:20

Absolutely back out. I was in a similar position once, didn't back out and I really regretted it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/04/2019 17:21

You absolutely can, and should back out. 2 weeks is plenty of notice for your friend to sort something else out.

OP, I was a nurse in a former life and over the years I worked with a lot of Junior doctors who cracked under the pressure and that's without a pre-existing condition like Bipolar. It's crucial that you practice good self-care. Your reviews with your Consultant are not a luxury that you allow yourself if you have time, they are absolutely essential. If your friend is on the same course as you then she really should understand that! If she doesn't, she's no kind of friend at all I'm afraid.

Please keep your appointment.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 09/04/2019 17:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FriarTuck · 09/04/2019 17:24

I'm going against the grain and saying you shouldn't back out. It would have been absolutely fine to do so in February - your mistake was going 'okay then'. Having committed like that I think it would be crap to turn around at this point and say no.
Look at it as an opportunity for some quiet time to study and to take some time for your mental health taking the dogs for walks (given that it sounds like a nice quiet area).

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 09/04/2019 17:26

You're not the only house sitter in the works, she's got 2 weeks to find someone else

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 09/04/2019 17:27

In the world!

Cliveybaby · 09/04/2019 17:27

I'm afraid I'm with @FriarTuck - you had the chance to back out in february, and let yourself be persuaded. Now you are committed, and you need to honour that.

RatherBeRiding · 09/04/2019 17:27

Tell her to get on the internet and look at the house-sitting sites - it's short notice but there are a LOT of house-sitters on these sites (trustedhousesitters.com, housesitters.co.uk).

I agree you need to back out if you can't do it but she really should have made firm arrangements in the first place.

Cliveybaby · 09/04/2019 17:28

Although if you found a replacement sitter that'd solve the problem. But if you can't you'll have to do it.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2019 17:29

Back out. She can use a kennel/chattery. Don’t be taken for a mug. How will you feel after a week in an isolated village?

JaneEyre07 · 09/04/2019 17:29

Hm I'm a bit torn here. It is way too short a notice for her to find someone else, and may make your course very awkward.

Like the PP said, would it be a good time to study, relax and get lots of fresh air walking......... could your family come and stay with you or spend time with you there?

NotSorry · 09/04/2019 17:29

I'm afraid I'm with @FriarTuck - you had the chance to back out in february, and let yourself be persuaded. Now you are committed, and you need to honour that

errr no she doesn't! would you say that if her physical health was ailing?

OP my friend is currently on holiday and she uses a reputable house sitter firm - the house sitter is even looking after the dog.

if you want to help your friend I can find out the name of the website to pass on

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/04/2019 17:30

Look at it as an opportunity for some quiet time to study and to take some time for your mental health taking the dogs for walks (given that it sounds like a nice quiet area).

Did you miss the part where OP said she has Bipolar Disorder? Bipolar is a very serious condition, it needs proper management by regular Psychiatric reviews. It's not something that can be managed with a nice walk Hmm

Obviously OP's friend doesn't want to pay for a cattery/house-sitter/dog walker when she can guilt OP into doing it for free but frankly, that's tough luck. I'm sure OP realises now it would have been better to back out in February but that insight isn't very helpful to her now. Her friend will cope, were talking about minor inconvenience vs. significant risk to someone's health. There's no contest.

Original poster
Alwaysunderwhelming · 09/04/2019 17:31

Notsorry could you tell me the website please?

Thanks for the replies.

Re: taking the dogs for walks being good for my mental health... I've got a past history of major suicide attempts resulting from isolation. I'm lucky to be alive as a result of them and nearly didn't survive. It worries me that I'll be alone.

OP posts:
almondykess · 09/04/2019 17:31

I think it's a mixed bag; you'll leave your friend in the lurch, but then again, your friend has been unreasonable in (1) pressuring you to take the job (2) not confirming dates with you beforehand and (3) leaving dogs, which are a lot more work to look after than cats. Your friend also has other options, such as a cattery or local teenager. I don't think you would be unreasonable to back out now (so long as you do it today), although, depending on your friend's temperament, it may cost you their friendship.

THEN AGAIN, would the friendship be ruined anyway, if you went ahead with it and sat in your friend's empty house over easter? You might well feel resentful enough afterwards that it would never be teh same again.

Belenus · 09/04/2019 17:32

So obviously I said "fine, don't worry, I just won't see my doctor". I didn't want to create drama and cause issues.

It's not obvious OP. It says a lot about how much you want to please people that you felt that at this stage you couldn't say "I need to prioritise my MH. I can no longer do this".

Two weeks is enough time. I house sit and will do so with less notice than this. There are plenty of house sitting websites she can use to get someone in. They'll be glad to get the work, she'll get a housesitter, and your mental health will be prioritised. Tbh she is quite selfish not to realise you need to get to a doctor, bit worrying given her intended career.

onalongsabbatical · 09/04/2019 17:32

Yes to getting her to post it on a sitting site - I do house sits, thing is as she's got cats and not dogs she just might get someone, even though it's short notice. Cats are easier and less responsibility, people like a nice easy sit, especially if she has a pretty house in a nice rural spot she might be lucky. Here's the one I use OP. www.housesittersuk.co.uk/

SingingTunelessly · 09/04/2019 17:33

OP does get paid for the house sitting she’s already said that. Way too short notice for her to get another sitter organised now. OP should have cancelled back in February.

onalongsabbatical · 09/04/2019 17:34

Sorry just read through to the point where the dogs come up! Less easy. Still worth a try. She has mucked you about though OP, and you don't have to do it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/04/2019 17:35

Re: taking the dogs for walks being good for my mental health... I've got a past history of major suicide attempts resulting from isolation. I'm lucky to be alive as a result of them and nearly didn't survive. It worries me that I'll be alone

You don't need to justify yourself, OP. You are the expert on your own mental health, you know your own early warning signs and what it takes for you to stay well. The very fact that you are feeling uncomfortable about this arrangement means you shouldn't do it. If this person is really your friend she wouldn't want you to risk a relapse of your illness just to save her paying a dogsitter!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 09/04/2019 17:37

Call her immediately and tell her you can't do it. If you're afraid she'll argue with you on the phone, send her a clear message that you can no longer do it and you felt bullied by her booking without consulting you, and she's added dogs, and you're just not up to it. Send her links to house sitting services/pet sitting services. Refuse to engage beyond telling her you can't do it.

NotSorry · 09/04/2019 17:37

I just checked - it’s the same one onalonsabbatical said

Apparently you don’t even pay the people - they will also say if they are happy to look after pets

Look after yourself OP, your mental health is important

HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 17:37

The fact is she was bullied into doing it and it will harm her mental health to do it. This woman could put her animals into a cattery/kennels. If she chooses not to then that isn't the OP's concern.

Piffle11 · 09/04/2019 17:38

PLEASE put your health and well being first. You said no in Feb and she guilted/manipulated you into backing down. She could find someone else, she just doesn't want to. She's changed the goal posts by throwing the dogs into the mix too … what did she do before she met you? I bet she used a cattery/kennel, but has decided that paying you is cheaper and she gets her house cared for, too. It's a real pain being effectively stranded/cut off in a house, especially one where you don't know anyone and have no means of getting around. Back out now, before any more time elapses. Any real friend would not let you miss a vital medical appointment.